Soup of Life

I enjoyed reading this. Good job. I thought your descriptions were very good. I thought your monster managed to be disgusting, terrifying, and completely believable - making it that much more scary.

One minor criticism and one small suggestion...

I had a hard time believing that three of the four characters would all have hemorrhoids simultaneously, that their friend would have just died from an anal blood geyser, and that none of them would at least start scratching thier heads. Maybe hemorrhoids are just that common and I'm being an insensitive asshole (heh). I don't know. It just struck me as odd. Then again, that kind of behavior is a horror staple. Maybe you just ignore me.

I would think about trying to spread out the scene with the researcher a little bit. There's a large amount of information communicated at the front end of that scene. You handle the information well. I wasn't every confused or overwhelmed. I think the problem is that it gets a bit expository. At the very least, you might want to think about breaking up the largest chunk of the researcher's dialogue into two distinct pieces. It might lessen the expository feel.

Again, great job. I really did enjoy reading your story.

This was impressive. By the end, I found myself gripping my stomach and fearing going to the bathroom. It was a rather disgusting read. I found nothing wrong with structure. Grammar, flow, and punctuation was all on point. Or maybe I was so involved with thes tory that I didn't notice. Anyway, good job.

The monsters reminded me of "Critters", which scared the crap out of me as I when I was a kid, although they were always cartoony. Your creation was not cartoony at all, and they way you explained them on the end was well thought out and believable. I enjoyed it.

A few suggestions:

I felt that some lines, although funny, seemed out of place in the beginning so soon after Andy's death. I get they were trying to liven the mood, but it still didn't feel natural. I'd tone it down a little.

Second, I get that the maturity of the creatures can vary, and I tried to take in mind when reading, but I just couldn't believe that Max's took two days longer than the rest (I think it was two days). I also think the fact that Jim and Sarah's simultaneous attacks were too close together, which makes Max's attack that more unbelievable. I'd spread Jim and Sarah's out slightly, maybe within minutes, and bring Max's closer. I understand that this would make it difficult, due to timing issues, with the end's reveal.

Lastly, I think the fact that the gang never put everything together before Jim and Sarah's death was a little frustrating. I can understand when there was just a bloody hole by where Andy's bed was, but after Max saw the creature trailing blood I draw the line. I'd be running to the emergency room. Or at least blowing up Jim and Sarah's phone lines.

However, all in all I really enjoyed your story. I think the issues I had, if you agree with them, could be easily fixed. A few things I thought as I was reading it are below:

Before I forget, I thought the sentence below needed something:

“Yep, you’ve got them,” she says, removing her gloves. The snap of her gloves made my butt cheeks clench.

This next sentence made me laugh out loud. I'd italicize the "punch line", though:

“What, they get in an argument and she shoots him in the ass with a shotgun. From under the bed?

Great job of quickly and clearly jumping into a premise where the frenetic pace of the story matched some of the frenzy and internal turmoil(no pun intended) of the protagonist. A good, cringe-worthy read that takes the term gut wrenching to the extreme. As far as suggestions, I'd say you could tighten up some of your sentences and I thought the researcher was forthcoming with information a little too easily. Maybe the guy could have held onto the knife as well as the tail and used it for persuasion. And I'm not sure why or if it was intentional but a get an odd sexual tension between Max and Kat that seems a bit out of place. Maybe that's just me. Overall, very enjoyable.

Hi pushpaw,

Great story here! These creatures you’ve created are truly horrific and disgusting.

I loved your story for three main reasons:

1. It’s unashamedly gross (and please take it as a compliment where I have said something like “ew” or “gross!” in your story);

2. I moved to Toronto a couple of months ago so it's cool reading about a place I know. And I am rather glad I’m swimming in Lake Ontario and not Lake St Clair right now; and

3. Your gene splicing creation. I am a massive Margaret Atwood fan, and the gene splicing reminded of the wolfogs and the rakunks in her MaddAddam trilogy.

My suggestion for the story is to perhaps streamline the amount of your characters. I couldn’t distinguish between them easily. You could just gave Max and Kat and Andy, or Max and Jim and Sasha. With the words you save on the extra characters, you could give a bit more depth to your remaining characters. I feel like I didn’t know much about them.

Usually I'd harp on about characters, but your creature was so vivid that the character issues didn't detract from my enjoyment of your story at all.

I went through your word document and made some comments where I liked things, or where I was a bit confused. 

Thanks,

Jess

 Ooo, that's wonderful. It is almost a prequel to Oryx and Crake. Your monster is kin to Atwood's monster, the snat. Loved it!

P.S. now I'm adding this after just reading the comment above mine. Yes!!!!

Can't quit adding to my post. Your monster also feels akin to the truly frightening monster in Alien, the Ridley Scott one, not the sequels that just went for the easy boo.

I wrote this a realy good review last night but for some reason it did not post. I dig this story. I'm busy reading others but i'll read yours again soon so i can give you a proper review. again.