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saintkeeley's picture

Solace

By saintkeeley in Scare Us

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Description

On the eve of his grandmother's death, something is stalking Kevin outside of his house.

Comments

Brad's picture
Brad from Australia is reading Speculative Fiction Quarterlies July 25, 2012 - 8:10am

I like the way you set up the main character with the sympathetic backstory before he exploded in a blur of gore.

I also liked how the drunken stranger was selfish and escaped, made the gore more significant because it lacked any morality - the selfish guy escapes.

A short, entertaining read.

Not much I can suggest as improvements/changes. It would be cool if maybe the grandma mutters some foreshdowing quote on her way out at the start, but only if it doesn't give away the randomness of the later brutality.

saintkeeley's picture
saintkeeley from Baltimore is reading Either/Or July 25, 2012 - 8:22am

The grandmother offering some foreshadowing is a great idea.  Thanks for the feedback.

Wonder Woman's picture
Wonder Woman from RI is reading 20th Century Ghosts July 25, 2012 - 4:40pm

I bet Dad is going to be surprised when he picks Kev up later!

I enjoyed this freaky, random monster attack. I almost wondered if Kevin was going to wake from a bad dream after consuming the vodka, but I'm (guiltily) glad he didn't. I have to say that, having had a close relative waste away due to cancer, your descriptions were very powerful. I did sympathize with Kevin and his Dad, which really helped pack a punch at the end. It was gory and frightning; just the kind of story to get your heart pumping when you're reading it alone at night. Nice work. 

 

Scott MacDonald's picture
Scott MacDonald from UK is reading Perfidia July 30, 2012 - 1:50pm

I liked the story.  I especially liked the set-up and there were strange (thankfully unexplained - I hate too much explanation, it makes the reader lazy), quite unnerving parallels to be drawn between the grandmother and the creature - almost as if the grandmother's anger at being left helpless and fearful in her final moments were being embodied in what, for all other accounts, seems a random attack (or maybe I'm over analysing - I have a tendency to do that).

Selaine Henriksen's picture
Selaine Henriksen July 30, 2012 - 2:59pm

The creature was creative and unusual. I'm not clear if there is a connection between the grandmother dying and the creature's brutality. It could be better if that were further expanded upon. I found the sentence structure detracted from the story at times, but found it enjoyable overall.

Emma C's picture
Class Facilitator
Emma C from Los Angeles is reading Black Spire by Delilah Dawson August 6, 2012 - 1:01pm

Needs a bit of polishing with some punctuation (missing a few commas) and missed letters/words here and there. I had to reread the first page a couple of times to work out the relationships here, and who the woman was. I felt the present tense was a bit of a stumbling block.

The description of the creature on page 4 is a bit clunky and you start 2 sentences in a row with "A pale...". However I was still able to picture it, and it's awful and horrifying. One of my favorite creatures in the contest.

Very open-ended, and I don't have a problem with that. I'd love to know what happened to the dad, as I suspect the creature is tied somehow to grandma's fate.

Entertaining read, thanks for sharing this!

 
saintkeeley's picture
saintkeeley from Baltimore is reading Either/Or August 7, 2012 - 7:57am

Thanks for the feedback.  I'm definitely going to be working on fine tuning and language structure for the rewrite.