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Shot in the Dark
How It Rates
Description
In the blink of an eye, the world is different. All the children in Tahlequah, Oklahoma have suddenly become monsters and no one knows why.
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Comments
First off, I love the kids all freaking out and eating people. Secretly, we all know that kids are evil, so it makes total sense...the little devils!
If I could change anything, I'd say the shifting time-thing is a bit intense. As I have read this a few times now, I have it straight, but not without some effort. I would rather you just focus hard core on the present...the background is nice, but without it the story still works pretty well.
On my story, for example, I ended up cutting all the internal thoughts without it taking too much from the story. In the end, it was almost more for me than the reader.
THUMBS UP MALZ!
I liked a lot of this. I like where it starts and then how it moves backward and forward in time. That device is a bit distracting, especially in a story this short, but I'm sure you can smooth it out. Overall, it really effectively weaves the horror plot into the stuff about the main character's personal and family problems. The ending bothered me a bit, though. I guess I can buy the idea that the monsterlings are distracted by the horse, but they're so vicious and preternaturally speedy that the other characters seemed too calm and unpanicky in the last scene. Likewise, the other girl in the truck seemed too cheery given what was happening to her. Just my two cents. I really liked it overall.
@Jane, I was really trying to experiment I guess with that device. I had never written anything like that before, or any kind of horror, so I kind of went all out. I'm glad you liked it but I know I can improve. Thank you for your insight into the last scene. I was going for sort of a numbness/desensitization, but if it didn't come across, I definitely need to work on it! I think if I had introduced truck girl sooner it wouldn't be so odd. This word count was so hard! Thanks again for your comment.
Molly, I'm conflicted. I had a rough time with the time-swaps but it was pretty effective.I had to keep flipping back to job my memory. The charachter Riley's back story with her family is important. I think about how it would read if it was in chronological order and i feel like it might take too long to get to the action. I think this kind of moving arround in time is more effective in movies ie Terintino films. Just a suggestion. What if it you start where you did. Then unite Riley with Chase. Then start one long coherent flashback leading back up to the present. It would be easier to follow and also you would start with great action and end with great action. Also, I'm assuming the sex of your protaganist is female but i don't think you ever told us. Also, RIley tells chase that she/he grew up on the farm. If you want to keep the flashbacks as is, how about you show us things he/she does on the farm that would make it beleivable that she can handle herself later, instead of having to tell Chase. All that said, I think you have an original monster, and very good story. The action early did draw me in. And the flashbacks were just as good,(distracting though) And there was some really good writing. The very last line about the shovel and the dirt would be awsome if i had just a bit more about how Riley is used to death and that digging the hole is just part of life for him/her. I give this a thumbs up. Thanks for sharing it.
--Jonathan--
@Jonathan, I thought about the fact that this device was cinematic after the fact. I guess I just wanted to see how it played out and it has been good to see what people thought. As a writer, it's hard to remember that something that makes perfect sense to you may be completely crazy to other people.
I guess I never did explicitly state Riley's sex, but yes, she is a woman. I specifically chose the name Riley because it was androgynous, but I didn't realize it was so vague.
Thanks for the suggestion about showing her doing stuff on the farm. That makes more sense.