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IanAnthonyG's picture

Preacher Tom

By IanAnthonyG in Scare Us

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Description

Very rough draft. About a boy, a girl, a father, and a preacher.

Comments

Eric P's picture
Eric P from Pennsylvania is reading Books July 30, 2012 - 1:58pm

You were very close to a thumbs down after that ending, but the strength of the opening saved you.  You did a good job building atmosphere and characterization, but it ended with a whimper.  I wanted more of a fight with preacher Tom.  More description of how he escaped.  More of a reaction from the community.  You build up how important he is to the town, but there's no fallout.  No residual fear that he might come back and fill the hole he left.  Still, great build-up.  Just try to follow through on it.

IanAnthonyG's picture
IanAnthonyG from Los Angeles July 30, 2012 - 4:04pm

Eric, thank you so much for your notes. You've given me some very clear targets to aim for in the next draft. I appreciate it very much.

Dino Parenti's picture
Dino Parenti from Los Angeles is reading Everything He Gets His Hands On August 1, 2012 - 5:20pm

I was on the fence here to be honest. What I most liked was the kind of "Goonies" feel going with the kids being very proactive in the mystery. I liked a lot of your descriptions about the town and some of the things you said, esp. about how as a kid, you'd think it was the same thing people going to church out of obligation vs. them going because they had to. Really good unspoken truth there. Where the problems seem to arise are in the end, and with the revelation of the monster. You did start to hint at his motivation, which had an intriguing, sinister quality--the thing about wanting the girl not for who she is, but what she's to become. I think exploring more of that would give the monster a scope and dimension and evil that's beyond a kind of boogie-man thing. The ending also feels a bit abrupt, though I'm sure on a next draft you could flesh that out. I like the relationship the two kids have. The monster needs a little beefing up. I certainly dug the effort.

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from Danville Virginia--now living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Kindred, by Octavia Butler August 1, 2012 - 11:29pm

I agree with the previous two commentators--nice beginning,but the story just sort of stops. You warned us that this was a very rough draft, though. And I do agree with Dino, the most interesting thing toward the end of the story is the notion that this monster wants Sally for what she will become. Sally is an incredibly spunky character, so that rings true. But you need to do something with that idea!