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szainabwilliams's picture

Little Idols (3700 Words)

By szainabwilliams in Scare Us

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Seldner was the safest street in East L.A. until three friends dug up three charms in their backyard. Alicia, Rashmi, and Mirabel take the charms as symbols of their tight bond, not knowing they've awakened something that will unravel it.


Andrew Kelly's picture
Andrew Kelly from Florida is reading Kiss the Dead by Laurell K. Hamilton July 3, 2012 - 8:23pm

This story was awesome. I liked how it was written and I liked the content. The only qualm I have is the stipulation that the necklace can't come off. Two things: one, how'd she add the other charms if she couldn't do this; and, two, wearing a cheap metal necklace has health complications all on its own.

szainabwilliams's picture
szainabwilliams from Los Angeles is reading Beyond Good and Evil July 6, 2012 - 9:29am

You're right--it's not clear how she puts the charms on without taking the necklace off. Jump rings is the answer, and I'll add that to the revision (put my failed attempt at a jewelry making hobby to use). Thanks!

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres July 4, 2012 - 8:12pm

I agree with Andrew, I thought this story was really good.  Very well written, I could very clearly imagine my own images of what was happening based on what you showed me in your writing.  I'm quite often put off by children being the main characters in horror, but you made me forget that it ever bothered me.  It was like the Stand By Me of horror writing, except so dreadfully different.

I also agree, to a point, with Andrew's #1 "thing" he points out, and that goes back to the charms on the necklace and the resulting doom.  Obviously this challenge has a specific word count, so it's tough to get into this, but I guess I wish that the impetus for the creatures' appearance could be a little more detailed.  Maybe they appear once the girls have lost interest in the charms, and have decided to not wear them anymore.  Or they appear because of the obvious neglect by the girls.  I feel that this would add just the slightest detail and background into what, exactly, we are dealing with and would make it just that much creepier.

However, please don't take that as a damnation.  This story really is great, I loved it!

szainabwilliams's picture
szainabwilliams from Los Angeles is reading Beyond Good and Evil July 6, 2012 - 9:32am

Thank you! I definitely want to add more to this story, particularly about the charms. I'll keep your comments in mind when I do.

Tmar78's picture
Tmar78 July 5, 2012 - 4:26am


This is a good story, but I found it a little bare, it needs more meat, so to speak. There are some points in the plot that I thought as a bit iffy, but over all, the story is well written and the idea good.

szainabwilliams's picture
szainabwilliams from Los Angeles is reading Beyond Good and Evil July 6, 2012 - 9:34am

Thanks for the markup!

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Look to Windward by Iain M. Banks July 6, 2012 - 8:13am

I love this! I love the three girls, love it that they are from three different ethnic backgrounds. You begin your story with a few details about the neighborhood, which were great, but the story is too short for loads of description and background. So, very subtly, just by identifying the girls as coming from these three separate groups, you indicate more than pages of description could have just how rich the background of your story is. And you don't even do this in a heavy- handed way. The last names and a couple of other telling details are enough to do the job. I admire this so much. These are not any little girls. They are individual little girls. The story is short and has to be, but in a few deft details, you've given it a background as rich as a novel's. I mean, the girls themselves don't even notice this, because little girls growing up together wouldn't. But we do. Love the narrator especially. I agree with the other commentators that a few of the details about the necklaces need more thinking, but this is mere engineering. You'll get to those. I must say that I, too, had the distracting worry about the damage a cheap necklace chain like that is bound to do to the poor kid's skin if she keeps wearing it. Maybe you could work that into the plot!

Ok, this is just perverse, because I know the assignment here was to write horror, but the gory details of Rashmi's death hit the only false note for me. I'd like to see fewer graphic details, not more, but then, I'm not really a fan of the horror genre. The thing is, I loved the relationship you draw among the three girls. These are real little girls to me, not some wooden characters that are simply the setup for the easy boo.

Did I mention that I love your story? Seriously, I'm in awe. If I could have given it more than one thumb's up, I would have.

szainabwilliams's picture
szainabwilliams from Los Angeles is reading Beyond Good and Evil July 6, 2012 - 9:42am

Thank you so much! I'm so glad each girl's individual personality was apparent to you, and that you enjoyed the story. Now I'm actually excited about revising it--I'm never excited about revisions. 

Emma C's picture
Class Facilitator
Emma C from Los Angeles is reading Black Spire by Delilah Dawson July 13, 2012 - 9:04am

Excellent premise and characters I connected with. You paint a fantastic picture!

szainabwilliams's picture
szainabwilliams from Los Angeles is reading Beyond Good and Evil July 15, 2012 - 10:45pm

Thank you!