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Naomi Mesbur's picture

Keeping It All Inside (Revised and Rewritten)

By Naomi Mesbur in Scare Us

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Description

This is a revised version of a story I had posted earlier during the contest period.

A million thanks to Gary for the line-by-line comments and guidance - Gary, you made me jump into the deep end of a pile of muck from my past that I had been avoiding for many years - thank you for that! I hope I haven't disappointed you (or anyone else who read the first version and is now choosing to read the revised one). I am happier, well, let's say more satisfied, with this version. I'm not sure this is exactly a happy story. 

Again, in case you missed the first version, this story is based on true events.

Enjoy, and I look forward to more comments/criticisms/compliments/general help.

Comments

David Ireland's picture
David Ireland from London is reading Confessions of an English Opium-Eater July 30, 2012 - 5:52am

Hi Naomi,

I didn't read your earlier version, but I enjoyed this.

I thought the dream visions were very effective, and the ending was filled with lovely imagery and a great vicious ending.

Like I said, I don't know what the differences were between your versions, but I'd be interested to find out what approach you took. It felt as I was reading that the build up was *slightly* muted to the climactic points in your story. I wonder, with perhaps another revision you could boost this somehow? I hope you don't mind my suggestion, but I wonder if you could make a few more 'horrific' allusions in these build-ups? (The driving lesson, the classroom.) Just to raise the levels of unease in the reader.

In any case, I enjoyed the read. Thank you very much and it's a thumbs up from me.

David

Mess_Jess's picture
Mess_Jess from Sydney, Australia, living in Toronto, Canada is reading Perfect by Rachael Joyce July 30, 2012 - 5:59pm

Hi Naomi,

I didn't read the other versions or comments either, I get worried they'll bias my reading of a story!

I enjoyed your story. I moved to Toronto a couple of months ago from Australia, so when I read Newmarket I got excited - somewhere I know!

I went through and made comments in the body of the document, I hope this helps. Please let me know if you have any questions about my comments.

Thanks

Jess

Naomi Mesbur's picture
Naomi Mesbur from Toronto, Ontario, Canada is reading Burn Baby Burn Baby by Kevin T. Craig July 31, 2012 - 9:02am

Thanks, David and Jess. This was my first foray into horror, and I put myself far outside my comfort zone. It makes me happy to know that you enjoyed the story.

Jess - thanks for taking the time to do an LBL. It's too late for me to revise this for this contest, but I'm always looking for ways to improve my communication.  And even though I didn't talk about it in the story, the Newmarket I grew up in was very different to the suburban big-boxed wasteland you see before you today. (that's the real horror in my opinion but I won't editorialize any more).

Scott MacDonald's picture
Scott MacDonald from UK is reading Perfidia August 1, 2012 - 1:16pm

I generally liked the story, the anxieties that were expressed through the dreams and the tensions of the driving lessons adding to the discomfort your main character clearly lived in.

I felt that the beat of the of story could be worked, to give it a kind of rhythm between the dreams and the waking world.  I thought that some of the parts could do with a bit of a trim down to make the writing a bit more tight and help with the flow.

However, I liked the dreams and the confusion that it created.