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Naomi Mesbur's picture

Keeping It All Inside

By Naomi Mesbur in Scare Us

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Description

This story is based on true events. I'm not even kidding about that. This is the first time I've ever summoned up enough courage to write (or even talk) about it.

Comments

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Consider Phlebas, by Iain Banks July 14, 2012 - 9:54pm

This is a very frightening account. I think you did an effective job in helping us understand the narrator's fear and despair, and I like how you weave her family's story into her own.

GaryP's picture
GaryP from Denver is reading a bit of this and that July 15, 2012 - 9:06am

Your writing is good, but for me, the story was lacking a bit. I didn't feel any anxiety or tension towards your main character, nor did I get enough of an idea of what was behind her dreams. I needed more of a hint as to why she had these dreams.

Pros:

The writing is solid (i.e., your technique is good and quite readable). Your main character was drawn fairly well. You showed her emotions instead of telling us (GOOD! ... though I wanted a lot more reaction from her throughout the story). 

Cons:

Work on story. I never felt worried for your main character. The closest I came to worry was when she was driving 400 and passing the big rig during her lesson. I didn't feel that her dreams invaded her waking hours. I want to feel as weirded out as she must be feeling. When her mom drops a bombshell about her dad having an affair, I want her to react, not just go to bed. I need more about where these dreams are coming from (is it all just her? is there some outside force?). If it's all just her, need an indication (a hint) of why (why now? what was the catalyst? had she had prescient dreams before?). 

Overall:

After reading your bio I want to make it clear. Your writing is GOOD. Solid. Don't worry about that part of your craft. Now concentrate on story/character/tension. From past experience, I've seen it difficult for writers to create a cohesive work of fiction when basing it on a true story. Reactions from other writers have been: How can this be wrong, it's TRUE! But even when based on a true story, you need to make the story work as a piece of fiction.

FYI. I didn't click either the thumbs up or down. This story wasn't bad in the least, so it doesn't warrant a thumbs down. However, there just wasn't enough there to deserve a thumbs up ... yet.

I've attached an LBL.

Naomi Mesbur's picture
Naomi Mesbur from Toronto, Ontario, Canada is reading Burn Baby Burn Baby by Kevin T. Craig July 15, 2012 - 11:26am

Thanks, Jane and Gary. I have never dabbled in horror writing before, and I took up this challenge to really push myself out of my comfort zone. Gary - thank you for taking the time to do an lbl for me! I just hope I can get a rewrite done before the 30th.

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Consider Phlebas, by Iain Banks July 15, 2012 - 12:24pm

I've never done it before, either, or even read much of it (although I am trying to educate myself by reading Lovecraft!). I just hate to see writers sacrificing character to the easy boo, and I don't see you doing that, which is one of the reasons I like your story. But as I say--I'm no expert!

Naomi Mesbur's picture
Naomi Mesbur from Toronto, Ontario, Canada is reading Burn Baby Burn Baby by Kevin T. Craig July 28, 2012 - 4:58pm

rewrite done and posted! thanks ( I'm typing this on an iPad. hence the lack of caps)