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Johnny Kirk's picture

human disintegration

By Johnny Kirk in Scare Us

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Description

The absolute terror: letting free the demons within. a sick and dying man, betrayed by his wife, takes off into the lonesome desert, a spiritual quest to find absolution, instead finding the darkest creases of himself.

Comments

Emma C's picture
Class Facilitator
Emma C from Los Angeles is reading Black Spire by Delilah Dawson July 18, 2012 - 9:22pm

The jerkiness of the style really conveys the narrator's sense of despair, frustration and urgency, and your descriptions are appropriately gritty/gruesome and absolutely turned my stomach at some points. The picture painted is bleak and detailed, great horror stuff. Nice twist with the monster, I was really left wondering.

The only changes I'd suggest are spelling and grammatical.

Johnny Kirk's picture
Johnny Kirk from orange county, ca is reading lord of the rings July 20, 2012 - 7:22am

Thanks emma, when creating him i visioned is mind fractured and barely able to focus, running off of stimuli and emotion. yeah, my spelling and grammer have always sucked, ill have a friend edit it if i find time to write a second draft. Ill also fill out alot of the holes. Thanks for your comment. =)

Lawrence's picture
Lawrence from Dallas, Texas is reading Mr. Mercedes - Stephen King July 19, 2012 - 6:17am

Johnny, that was a fun story. You did a great job of painting a creepy landscape. As Emma pointed out the suggestions are mainly grammatical. The narrative was hard to follow at times but I could keep up with it.  I think if you take the time, go through and edit, the story could be really good. 

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Consider Phlebas, by Iain Banks July 19, 2012 - 8:22am

I think this story has its powerful moments, so I gave a thumbs up. It really needs work on all the grammar/ proofreading mistakes, though. Also, and I'm groping for words here, it somehow seems too grandiose. I know the protagonist is a man consumed by a grandiose vision, but the writing shouldn't come across as grandiose. I did like the suggestion that the monster is spawned by a combination of his desperate illness and his discovery of infidelity. Strangely, I liked the story a lot better at the beginning, when it is grounded in reality, than I do at the end, when it has spiraled off into LSD hallucinations and apocalyptic visions. But maybe I just don't get what you're trying to do here. For example, I didn't understand the Poe thing at all. Poe, as in Edgar Allan? I don't get it. Maybe I'm just dense.

Johnny Kirk's picture
Johnny Kirk from orange county, ca is reading lord of the rings July 19, 2012 - 1:40pm

first id like to say thank you so very much for your comments. this is the first thing ive ever showed strangers, let alone publicly. thank you.

jane: you are not dense in any way. i would be a little frightened if anyone was able to understand poe. simply put: poe is a character from a trilogy of novels i have been writing for a few years. and yes, poe as in edgar allan. he was a huge inspiration for the character.

now.. without going into a hour long rant. poe is the physical/mental manifistation of a viris. only showing to a select few people. and this man is the first to ever be approached by poe. and yeah my writing is a bit grandiose. but in a desperate defense, this man starts the apocolypse. through the radiation and exparimental drugs from his diagnosed cancer, a dorment viris mutates within him, then the act of spitting into his dead wifes eye, transfers the viris into a clean corpse, thus starting the zombie apocolypse.

this never intended to go into the universe i created for my books, just happened that way. so much is left out, but i was limited to 4000 words (my writing usually expands quickly without my consent.)

i deffinatly hope to write another draft and make it a hell of a lot more consise, though i am moving to wa state in a couple weeks.i did create this story within my head at work, then typed it out quickly within a couple hours, it is a first draft.

Ethan Cooper's picture
Ethan Cooper from Longview, TX is reading The Kill Room, Heart-Shaped Box, Dr. Sleep July 20, 2012 - 9:25pm

Excellent work with the writing style. I think it served the story well. A very intriguing idea.

Others have pointed out the grammatical stuff, so I won't go over that.

I think a good editing pass and you'll be able to tighten up stuff. The story got confusing when it hit the desert. Your writing is very poetic, and my only advice would be to make sure that the clarity of events isn't lost as you paint your pictures with all those pretty words. At times, I was struggling to understand what you were trying to communicate.

I think it's a solid first draft. Keep at it.

Amandeep Johal's picture
Amandeep Johal from london is reading Choke July 21, 2012 - 9:22am

I adore the sinking narrator, reminds me of the movie Falling Down.
 

Also the writing style, to me, is presented well, I felt like I was really falling with the character on his journey of self satisfaction.
Many of the readers including myself can relate to his madness and mental state, he actually sound like a well thought out villian but at the same time sharing some sympathy.
Also the claustraphobic reference make my spine chill, I really felt like the narrator was in my room, bearing in mind reading this at noon was not at all a great idea!
Very good cinematic sentences, describing him and his wife.
my favourite line is "To strike history into existence once again.
Like dropping the atomic bomb.
Or eating a sandwich to start WWI" beautiful :)

 

I hope to read more of your stories, horror is one of my weaknesses.

First story I've read and I think it's brilliantly produced
OH and I love the cranberries, Zombie is about the only song I can sing. Very well done Sir