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Bryan Oliver's picture

Grace and Elvis

By Bryan Oliver in Scare Us

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Description

This is a story about Grace and the new friend she makes.

Comments

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland July 29, 2012 - 8:45pm

I'm not sure where this story takes place. I live near memphis and with that title I expected maybe memphis was your setting. "Elivis" and "Graceland"  I like the little girl. I liked her innocence alot. I think her comment near the end was out of charachter though. You did reference that she had grown up when she dropped the bottles.

--Spoiler Alert--

Maybe Elvis didn't hurt her when she was "pure" but now that she has been corrupted she became a mark as well.

You have some really great metaphors. I love the "bully uniform" I would love to see more stuff like that throughout the story. I think you have a neat plot and with some work you could have a good story. Thanks for sharing.

 

--Jonathan--

 

Bryan Oliver's picture
Bryan Oliver from Michigan is reading the back of a shampoo bottle July 30, 2012 - 8:17am

Thanks for taking some time and reading my stuff! I love feedback. You have given me some things to think about. Thank you

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from Danville Virginia--now living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Kindred, by Octavia Butler July 29, 2012 - 9:39pm

I think this is a promising idea, but there are a lot of distracting grammatical errors--for example, verb tenses shift around kind of at random. I was also uncertain why Grace would name the monster "Elvis." Maybe you could prepare us a bit more for this. Early in the story, we find out what kind of music Grace likes--nothing about Elvis. Maybe she could like Elvis, too, or maybe her mother does. Or maybe something about the monster powerfully reminds Grace of Elvis. I think we need to make those connections, but you need to give us more information so we can. What Jonathan said above-- if the setting IS Memphis, play that up more. Everything in Memphis is Elvis this and Elvis that ( or was back when I lived there ), so that would make Grace's reference to Elvis seem more natural. I also think you need to connect the "pit bull" thing more closely to the Elvis references, although I don't see how. But the story really does have these two powerful themes or undercurrents: pit bulls and what that whole experience says about danger, the theme we encounter first, which fits right in with the danger Grace confronts--and then the Elvis theme, which seems to come out of nowhere.

Bryan Oliver's picture
Bryan Oliver from Michigan is reading the back of a shampoo bottle July 30, 2012 - 8:15am

Thank you for reading my story. I also want to thank you for taking time to give me some feedback! I really appreciate it.