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drmshade's picture

Good Knight Morpheus

By drmshade in Scare Us

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Description

You're wondering who I am and how I got here aren't you?  Don't bother trying to deny it cause that's what I wondered the night I first saw him.  You don't even recognize me even though you've just read about me.  Sorry, I suppose I'm not really answering your questions am I?  I just miss talking to people.  Alright, alright, let me see...  it all started with him showing up at my house.  Actually, now that I think about it, I think it started before then and I just hadn't noticed.  Like you won't.  Hmph, seems so obvious now.  Anyway, you want answers so I'll just start where I think my story really begins.

Comments

BridgidC's picture
BridgidC from Ohio is reading The Seduction and Other Stories by Joyce Carol Oates July 30, 2012 - 11:45am

I think the monster you created and the plot are your strengths; I particularly liked the reveal at the end. I was a little bit confused about the narrative voice, though - at the beginning it's vague and weird and difficult to follow, and then the tone shifts and it feels like we have a completely different narrator. At the end it makes more sense, but there might be a way to rewrite it so the different sections of the story don't feel so disjointed.

Some information you included didn't seem all that relevant, and yet there are other parts that I would really like to be a stronger part. For example, the narrator talks at length about Brian, but her relationship with him doesn't seem all that important. Far more important is her relationship with Barnaby, but after a certain point he isn't mentioned again. I'd also like to know more about how the Tollund man and Otzi prints could fit in - like the narrator, my interest has always been piqued by bog bodies, and I think they could be incorporated into a stronger motif in the story.

All in all, very creepy. It's not the kind of scary that makes you jump but rather the kind that gets under your skin.

drmshade's picture
drmshade from Currently living in Scotland is reading A Dance of Dragons July 31, 2012 - 3:43am

Thanks for your comment. I originally wrote a shorter different version of this story several years ago and when I read about the challenge I thought it would be good to revisit and update. As I rewrote to fit the challenge criteria, I saw a need for more detail and information which I agree with you that I haven't got right yet. I didn't think I would manage everything that was coming to me in under 4000 words and by deadline so I stayed to those restrictions as this is the first story I've submitted for others to read and that was something I really wanted to experience.

I'm definitely going to do more work on this story and develop it.  Could you give me an idea as to when you felt the narrative voice changed from being vague, weird and difficult to follow? You mention the beginning and wondering if you mean just the first paragraph or more?

Thanks again for your feedback and help. I really appreciate it.

BridgidC's picture
BridgidC from Ohio is reading The Seduction and Other Stories by Joyce Carol Oates July 31, 2012 - 5:59am

It corresponds to when the narration shifts from second-person to first-person, at least in my opinion. Second-person is always tough to pull off, because it's tough to read, but if you finessed it a little I think it could work a lot better.

drmshade's picture
drmshade from Currently living in Scotland is reading A Dance of Dragons July 31, 2012 - 7:24am

You know, I was thinking of it all as first-person but now that you have mentioned that, I see the two different perspectives. Duly noted and I will see about getting that switch better and perhaps a bit more clear.

Thanks again.

Ethan Cooper's picture
Ethan Cooper from Longview, TX is reading The Kill Room, Heart-Shaped Box, Dr. Sleep August 1, 2012 - 9:25pm

Good job with this story. Very enjoyable. And the ending explains the beginning. "You don't even recognize me even though you've just read about me." Awesome stuff.

I read the entire thing as first person, though the sentence "You didn't walk to your car, you swam to it." is possibly the start of the confusion.

After I was done, I was wondering who the woman was talking to. Not sure that person's identity is important, or if she really is talking to the reader. Did you ever consider making that person Brian? I think we'd have to care more about him as a reader for that to really work.

Ghostly apparitions are my weakness, so that is creepy enough for me personally. If the ending infers that the woman now performs the same function that the apparition did...then I'm REALLY creeped out.

Good characterization, and some interesting details in there. I felt like the woman lived in a real place.

drmshade's picture
drmshade from Currently living in Scotland is reading A Dance of Dragons August 2, 2012 - 7:17am

Thanks Ethan.

BrigidC's comment about the change of POV has me thinking and your note about the "You didn't walk" line makes sense and is something I need to look at.  I always considered her talking to a stranger until just recently when someone else asked if it was Brian to whom she was talking. I think as I look to add more detail, I am going to review this and see whether it should be Brian and if not, add a bit more in so that it's more obvious that it isn't him.

And you can be really creeped out because yes, that is the woman now having become an apparition. ;)

M.E.Prince's picture
M.E.Prince from Georgia is reading A Stir of Echoes August 2, 2012 - 12:55am

This was very entertaining to read, and I like the concept. I think you should have kept the more harried tone that appears in the first paragraph. Personally, I would have liked a higher level of detail in some scenes. For instance, what questions did she ask him? It could add to the creep factor to slow that scene down.

Good job on the setting, and the ending was just awesome!

drmshade's picture
drmshade from Currently living in Scotland is reading A Dance of Dragons August 2, 2012 - 7:24am

Thanks for reading.  I agree I need to get more detail in and I like your suggestion about what questions she asked him and expanding that scene some. I keep changing my mind as to whether she accepts the figure a bit too quickly.

Thanks again and glad you enjoyed.

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Look to Windward by Iain M. Banks August 2, 2012 - 8:13am

This story was really interesting. I don't quite understand about the cat, though--unless there's a feline wraith guardian out there too, just for the kitties. I didn't feel that the story wags disjointed, and I really like the ending, when we discover why the narrator is talking to us. I do agree with the commentator who suggested you tie the big man idea into the story more, and yes, I too would like to know a bit more about Brian.

drmshade's picture
drmshade from Currently living in Scotland is reading A Dance of Dragons August 3, 2012 - 3:43pm

As I re-edit the story, I'll need to explain the cat better as he is protecting her. One of my early readers wasn't sure about what is happening with the cat and I thought I had added enough to make it clear. Good to know I need to add more in at that point.

Thanks for reading and for your comments.

Sancho LeStache's picture
Sancho LeStache from El Paso is reading Hunger August 7, 2012 - 10:50am

Maybe it's because i read this before I went to sleep and was a little dazed, but there were several parts where it kind of seemed like the figure didn't so much appear when she was asleep as just at random moments when she was in her bed, which kind of created a bit of inconsistency for me with those parts and when she sees him when she's supposedly awake. Like I don't know anybody who nods off when they're having sex. Again, I might just need to re-read it, but that was my first impression. I did really like it a lot overall, though. The bookending paragraphs were really cool, and I liked the creepy atmosphere the whole thing carried a lot. Good story!