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DaJoHi's picture

Fragments

By DaJoHi in Scare Us

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Description

A muscular bouncer gets hired to keep an eye on a vacant house for the weekend. He stumbles upon some scary shit in the basement. In the end he's so freak out he's not sure if he imagined it after an accident or if it really happened.

Comments

Jeff's picture
Jeff from Florida is reading Another Side of Bob Dylan by Victor Maymudes July 31, 2012 - 9:41am

From the foul puddle that oozed under the oaken door, to the head crushing "pale claw", to the "oversized, veiny head" -- you effectively constructed a horrible creature.

There was an extra sentence in the description of the door explosion. The 3 cops, conducting their interview on pg. 5, need to be differentiated better. 

The writing is visceral and dramatic.

 

Pushpaw's picture
Pushpaw from Canada is reading Building Stories by Chris Ware August 2, 2012 - 8:38am

The creature had me interested and I was kinda disappointed when it ends with him in hospital. Almost seems like it needed to end with another encounter, maybe when a bit more is revealed about the origin of the monster? Some action-packed writing though.

jmo125's picture
jmo125 from Plainview, NY is reading Short Story submissions From class 'Between the Sheets' August 2, 2012 - 10:35am

I like it.  It had good action and had me really wondering about the monster.  If I may, I think the end was a bit drawn out.  Would have loved to see the thing, or a different thing, grab him through the hospital window!  (I know, I know...everyone's a critic!)

TigersMS's picture
TigersMS from Australia is reading House of Leaves August 3, 2012 - 9:46pm

Nice! Frenetic writing, to me it seemed like a prologue in a creature feature film. Certainly something you could expand into a full novel!

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Look to Windward by Iain M. Banks August 4, 2012 - 12:09am

The monster was horrifying, but I couldn't figure out why the main character doesn't let the poor people out of the basement when they're screaming for help. From that point on, the action gets pretty confusing, the main character gets sent to the hospital, and the story just stops.

Regina Peacecraft's picture
Regina Peacecraft from the Philippines is reading Android Karenina August 4, 2012 - 12:58am

The first parts were really good but the ending was disappointing, and the information about the creature, and Jacob's boss were lacking; a little more would have made it more realistic and hence scarier

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. August 5, 2012 - 10:47am

The ending does need a touch more work  but I think this was overall a pretty decent story.  I found it a little troublesome that a guy working security would not have explored the basement as soon as he arrived.  Figuring out the lay of the land should have been the first thing he did, if for no other reason than to know what he had to cover.  Also, his reaction at seeing the monster was a little bothersome.  It felt wrong that he kept holding the door after seeing someone's head get crushed.   I would have liked to see a little more in the ending though, seemed to fade out too quickly.  Otherwise, this was a very well written story.  Good job!