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Shawn LaSota's picture

Dreadful Secrets

By Shawn LaSota in Scare Us

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Description

When writer John Spencer goes back to his home town of Franklin, KS after 11 years to visit his ailing mother, he learns that all small towns have their secrets, some of them are much more deadly than others...

Comments

Ben Court's picture
Ben Court from Brighton, England is reading House of the Spirits July 29, 2012 - 8:30am

I love the concept for this story. The characters were very believable, I almost felt like you were reminding me of people I had met long ago.
A few things bugged me, firstly the flow of it didn’t feel natural in some places, secondly (and I know there was a word limit) some parts needed expanding, the end of the scene at the hospital defiantly. There were also a few minor continuities there as well. I think it would be a perfect story if you had a few thousand more words to play with.

Selaine Henriksen's picture
Selaine Henriksen July 30, 2012 - 3:19pm

A good sense of atmosphere was developed early on and the characterizations were very compelling. I enjoyed the story, although I felt the ending was slightly rushed. 

 

Scott MacDonald's picture
Scott MacDonald from UK is reading Perfidia July 31, 2012 - 1:52pm

Enjoyed the story very much.  Definitely a touch of Stephen King to the writing style (Clarence Busch reminded me of an evil version of Judd Crandall from Pet Sematary).  The setting is great - what isn't spooky about old, flooded quarries riddled with mine shafts, and the secret of the sinister townsfolk had an air of The Wicker Man about it.

The only comment I would make is the monster at the end.  The story had built so well, but the word "chomp" seemed out of place in context of the rest of the piece - slightly too cartoonish - and it brought me out of the story right at the conclusion and I wasn't sure about the description of it looking at the people "with pleasure" - again this seemed a little cartoonish, and maybe a touch too human for this reptilian nightmare.

But that's probably me being too picky.  On the whole, really enjoyed it and think you have an excellent way of building character and very good delivery of dialogue.