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sirstevenhughes's picture


By sirstevenhughes in Scare Us

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The walls began swaying back and forth, back and forth. The ceiling tapestry formed new mazes previously undiscovered, previously impossible. Red turned to pink, black switched to blue, reality flirted with insanity. There was knocking at the door. Or was it just a distant sound? No, knocking. It was knocking. Someone was there, someone knew. But they couldn’t know. Nobody could know. It was still the infancy of his evil. He enjoyed doing this. His psychosis made him feel good, made him feel at ease. After a life of strict protocols and difficult rules, this madness was so simple. He was a child again, finding fulfillment through his wildest fantasies. The darkness yielded a light he had never before seen. It couldn’t come to an end, not yet at least. He approached the door with a dripping wet blade in hand. He slurped the blood with an eager tongue. And then it hit him, as the salty liquid traveled down his throat. He had released the monster, engulfed by the fiercest demons. He wasn’t always like this. He was, yet again, delirious.


dfresh52x's picture
dfresh52x from New York is reading The Weird July 24, 2012 - 9:22am

Interesting idea. you need to break up the paragraphs more. The ending needs a lot of work, you should bring it out to more than just a few sentences.

All the stuff at the beginning should be intermingled with the other paragraphs below to build to the ending.

Scott MacDonald's picture
Scott MacDonald from UK is reading Perfidia July 31, 2012 - 2:10pm

Hi, I read the story and found it a little too straight forward.  You're style has a lot of promise and I could feel the delirium of the title that you were trying to create with the staccato sentences.  However the pace did feel a little staid, and the interesting idea, I feel, would have benefited from a bit more build.  I thought that the jump into drugs and then the blurring of reality and fiction happened a little too quickly and there was room to stretch out the unsurety of whether his actions were real or virtual.

That said, there were some good parts to it - particularly liked the line "virtual is reality when reality is virtual" and I liked the characters non-interaction with real life and the voyeuristic life that the internet can provide.  I think that there's a lot of promise here, I just think it needs some honing.

Dino Parenti's picture
Dino Parenti from Los Angeles is reading Everything He Gets His Hands On August 1, 2012 - 11:51am

You have a lot of wonderful descriptions and little moments that, if massaged a bit more, could tie the story together a little more. I think my biggest challenge was trying to keep it all together--the sleeping (or lack therof), the games, the stalking, the killing. If perhaps it were broken down into a series of days or categories, it might give it the skeleton that would allow all this crazy, creative flesh to be attached to. All this said, you definately have an ear for this character. As a reader, I would ask to know him a bit more. I hope you work on it, as I think you can really generate some surprises here with just a bit more structure.

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. August 1, 2012 - 7:50pm

Very clean text in comparison to most of the stories I've read.  (That's a big plus in my mind right there.)  Your main character starts out as someone who, I think at least, most highschool techies/loners can identify with and then hits a tipping point.  Slopping decent into madness is rather disturbing and shocking to read through.

I think the fact that it seems to blend together as you read it lends something to the feel of the story.  It puts the reader more inside the characters head and allows them to experience some of what he is experiencing a little more.

The story is very well written but I don't think it is written for everyone.  Riding inside a killers mind might be a touch too disturbing for some.  I know I couldn't read too much of that  . . .

Good job though!

Ethan Cooper's picture
Ethan Cooper from Longview, TX is reading The Kill Room, Heart-Shaped Box, Dr. Sleep August 1, 2012 - 8:59pm

I really liked your writing style for this story. The constant, repetitive words really worked (for me) to portray the addiction. This was really effective. There were times there where I felt like I was reading a poem. Thank you for that. Your delivery was enjoyable.

I loved the blurring of lines between reality and virtuality. Great stuff there.

To me, the only thing you're missing is a plot. Put what you've got into a story with a start-middle-end, and I'm seriously with you all the way. Since I can't tell you what that plot should be, here are my non-plot-related suggestions:

- One thing you might consider is changing this story to first person. I'd read it out loud to yourself and decide if that works.
- Consider explaining how the character gets possessed (and why)
- In the end, make the shotgun go BOOM as opposed to bang. :)

I hope this helps. I'd love to read a revised version.