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Creeks
How It Rates
Description
Hopefully, three different perspectives/narrations from the same location. Each scene is set years apart. Hope you like it. I just realized I'm not really good at describing things. I may have rushed a couple things at the end to meet the deadline. But I did a quick spellcheck. Happy reading.
-dTe
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Comments
I think you did a fine job with this story. I'm amazed you were able to pull it off in 4k words. Just goes to show you that you can get a lot of characterization done with only a few words.
**SPOILERS**
Your plot structure is fine, and I was very pleased that your story ended with victory instead of despair. Made me feel all warm inside after reading all these horror stories with depressing endings! (not slamming anybody's ending)
I'd like to see the ending fleshed out better, and I think you would benefit by connecting the three sections with a stronger thread. This story is almost begging for a revelation or twist in the end. I know there's something element that can tie the sections together and make them seem like one cohesive story instead of 2 murders and an victory. I'm sure what you were going for with the "where was its darkness?!?" in the end. It sorta seemed like the creature was looking for "darkness" within its victims--and this was how Heather survived. If this is true, then this can be explained in the first two sections by giving the original two victims some sort of human flaw that it feeds on. Something Heather has overcome. Ultimately, if Heather defeats the monster, I want to know what made her so special compared to the others. This is the common thread that will tie your sections together.
I hope that makes some sense and helps. I enjoyed the story. Keep at it.
Also SPOILERS in this reply.
I guess the only thing that differentiated Heather from the other two in my mind was that she was partially deaf from her tours in the middle east, and so the creature's reverberations didn't effect as totally as they did the other two. I was trying to make that the twist I guess. I didn't actually go as deep as finding any moral difference between the three people, but I really like that idea.
With the story itself, I basically went with the three scenes showing just a little bit more of the creature. With scott it's just a glimpse and a sound that the conductor hears, with chad it becomes more involved from the creature's narration, and with heather it was the full reveal at the end.
But yes I definitely rushed the ending to meet the deadline, and when I wrote out the line "where was it's darkness? My head told me to stop, because I really liked that as the last line of the story.
Thanks for much for the help Ethan. I'll do my best to put the ideas to use.
-dTe
Good use of POV to show the creature's power to get in between synapsises. Heidi was strongly drawn.
You definitely pushed the envelope by using the same motif -- two concrete tunnels and a creek -- for all three scenes.
I had trouble with this story, because it hopped around from character to character, even though they were interconnected. I think in a story this short, that's probably a confusing strategy. Likewise, the pov shifts around, sometimes within the same paragraph, and your pronouns don't give me much help. I found myself going back to sentence after sentence, just trying to sort out who (or what!) was being referred to. Believe me, I have struggled with this same point of view problem in my entry, so I'm not saying stuff like this is easy to do, but I think these issues would need to be fixed before the story would truly affect me. I was also kind of puzzled by the ending.
The stories are separated years apart. Scott was around 10, Chad 22 or so, and Heather early 30's. The stars were meant to separate each time shift. I tried to put in as many reminders to the time frame through the conversation. Maybe what would help is a date and time before each new narration?
the switching POV's at the end were meant to be kind of like fast cuts you see in horror films. It switched back and forth between the creature and Heather.
the last line "where was it's darkness?" was referring to the fact that it had just gotten wounded and (though not explained) destroyed from the flashlights' beam. I tried to put in enough lines showing that he was only habitating darkness. I liked the poetic sound of the phrase as the last line.
I'm sorry you were confused with the story. I don't think it's a bad strategy to try to write an intimate storyline when you only have so many words. It seems like the most viable option to me. The story, to me, becomes more personal.
Thank you for the mark-ups. I'll check my data and fix what is needed.
-dTe
Well thought out plot with full bodied characters and fantastic discription - very nicely detailed and yet straight to the point. I found the story line easy to follow. Sure, you might add dates, just to help with the flow. I feel it was brilliantly simple. I didn't have to review or re-read, just sat back and enjoyed! Intense and suspenseful thrilling point at the end, with Heather battling to take control of her own body... wonderful job!!!
For Chad and Heather I think I admittedly forgot to give a lot of visual descriptors. I gave them plenty of thoughts to make their own opinions come out, but I think I need to work on the visuals. Thank you so much for the words, Prattle.
-dTe
I respect & commend your daring here, squeezing 3 separate scenarios with 3 different POVs (4 including the monster) in this limited amount of space to tell your story. And I think, for the most part, it worked. I loved that Scott said this was where the kids would come and hang out and smoke cigarettes, then Chad talks about how he used to go there and smoke cigarettes. It's references like this that keep the separate scenes linked just enough. I'd like a little more tie in with Heather. We have the flashback, showing Scott was her little brother, but maybe make it a little stronger; unless I missed it, Scott's part nevers mentions her, only his other sister.
I almost want to say take out the section between Chad & Heather where we have the monster's point of view. I think that's what throws it off a bit. If you could somehow take the essential parts of that section, and sprinkle them into the 3 main sections, I think the whole story would flow smoother and be all the better for it.
I'm also a big fan of the Final Girl scenario in horror movies, so I like that the one to stop the monster is Heather.
Nice work here.
That's a good point with referencing Heather in the Scott's story. I vaguely reference it as Scott talking about his sisters I think, and then only talk about Heidi. I figured it would have tied in better. I should just find a way to add her name once in there. super subtle.
Taking out the creature's POV will be hard. I can see what you're talking about. There'd be less of a switch between narration, but then I would have to possibly delete that last line of the story, and I REALLY like that last line. Maybe if just the last narration you hear is from the creature.
Thank you for the comments my friend. As soon as I get some REM cycles in me, I'll take a gander at your story.
-dTe
You did a real good job with this. Each section of the story carried it self well and the little clues dropped in each section linked them together nicely.
I'm a little confused about how many different creeks there are. I think the first two scenes are the same creek and the third is a different one maybe i need to go back and re-read. I'm pretty sure that all three sections take place in the same town. Is it common for a town like this to have two seperate Creeks. Or are Cricket Creek and Snakey Creek sepearte portions of the same creek?
I think you handled the ending pretty well too. One of the other readers commented on "what made Heather differen?." With your finishing line you have so much wonderful stuff to work with. I know you said that her hearing impairment made it more difficult for the monster to penetrate her thoughts. That's a good idea. I think you can do a better job of bringing that out in the story. But, oppisote of heather being "pure" and the other two being flawed, like one reader suggested, I think that Heather is strong and has experienced alot in war. I think that she is too dark. Maybe it's easier for the monster to penetrate the innocent. Maybe Heather has some of the "Creatures" darkness that it is looking for in the end. Your story is really good so please ignore this if none of it is helpful. Thanks for the great read,
--Jonathan--
Yeah, admittedly I didn't do the best job in describing the location of the creeks. They have essentual the same look, but they are three different creeks. Part of it is that I'm not in my hometown, so I can't remember some specific parts. Also, I'm going to have to change the bridge to something like "wooden underpass" because I think that makes more sense.
I like your idea on the play with innocence and darkness with Heather. I should find a way to maybe not directly state that, but at least have that as Agent Smecker from Boondock Saints would say, "Symbology".
Thank you for your comments. I haven't slept for a while so I'm going to do that. Once I'm done with that, I'll give your story a proper read.
-dTe