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Amandeep Johal's picture

Jenny's FarmHouse

By Amandeep Johal in Scare Us

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Description

""If there was anytime to get away I could of and I should of, I should of told someone, but that dream scream came back again and I couldn’t say a word.""

 

A school trip to King George Park's City Farm in East London turns into a farm of many secrets
something eerie hits the air which changes the way the visitors think and even the animals.

Comments

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from Danville Virginia--now living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Kindred, by Octavia Butler July 21, 2012 - 5:16pm

I liked some of this story. It had a strangely surreal quality. In the end, though, i found all the grammatical errors and the chaotic plot just too confusing and distracting. Is the narrator a tiny child? An adolescent? Is the teacher real? A fantasy? There doesn't seem any way to tell, and i think we should have some sense of what's going on. I loved the illustrations, though.

Wonder Woman's picture
Wonder Woman from RI is reading 20th Century Ghosts July 25, 2012 - 4:22pm

I found the story difficult to follow. The plot gets muddled along the way and the grammar makes it hard to get through. I got the sense that the narrator was a child, but I felt like many of the descriptions were almost from an older perspective, (almost as though the narrator was a young adult looking back on a disturbing childhood incident). We need a clearer sense of the character and plot, but I like the idea of a frightning field trip, which seems to be the direction you took us in with your story. 

Amandeep Johal's picture
Amandeep Johal from london is reading Choke July 27, 2012 - 4:01am

thanks for the comments guys
I do admit my grammer has always been quite poor, I'm constintly being nagged about it but I'm slowly (...ok very slowly haha) improving.

If it helps, I'm making the narrator speak through a child but being muddled was kind of the way I was going with it

and I was going to suggest when you take each paragraph, you can switch them around to recreate a story. The first and last stanzas stay and the rest change.

Anyway, I'm just fixing the errors now.

 

Thanks for reading :)

Emma C's picture
Class Facilitator
Emma C from Los Angeles is reading Black Spire by Delilah Dawson July 28, 2012 - 10:26am

This needs a lot of work, and I was unfortunately unable to follow the plot, though it feels like it's about a child molester?

Your grammar and punctuation need a lot of help, as do your word choices. Many of the words feel like they were pulled from a thesaurus, for example: "he circulated me", "i am bemused". 

I know you're going for a first-person narration by a small child but it doesn't read that way for me. Either change the POV or write much more simply to get your point across. 

It may help you to rewrite by breaking down the story into much smaller "scenes". Write each scene as simply as possible using words you're comfortable with, then build from there.

Keep it up, the only way to get better is to keep writing!

 
Scott MacDonald's picture
Scott MacDonald from UK is reading Perfidia July 29, 2012 - 2:07pm

I really liked the surreal aspect.  Yes, the spelling needs a bit of work, but once you see beyond that there is an eerie story here with a really quite devastating ending.  I think the voice you give to the child-narrator and the sense that you're never quite sure how terrible the events have been is disorientating, but in a good way.  It is a story that keeps the reader off-balance and the damaged nature of the child really came through (especially like the stream-of-consciousness rant about the teacher that ends with "Scratching my brain clear of the parasites in my head which mumble chants: port, roger that, command, yes sir, no sir RAR RAR RAR!").  Definitely in need of a bit of a tidy up, but there's some excellent stuff in there as well.