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Brandy Batz's picture

Attack of the Pawn Beast

By Brandy Batz in Scare Us

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A young girl faces a life of working at the pawn shop, when she gets mad, really mad. That's when chaos and carnage ensues.  Revealing a beast of mythical proportions...The Pawn Beast.  

Who will win in this battle of light and dark, good vs. evil, Ms. Cleo vs Snoop Dog? Read to find out! 


Emma C's picture
Class Facilitator
Emma C from Los Angeles is reading Black Spire by Delilah Dawson July 28, 2012 - 4:57pm

The good: definitely an original monster, and I actually like your style. Whimsical isn't the word I'm looking for, but it's close. 

The bad: the whole thing feels like a caricature of a parody. The characters feel one-dimensional and cartoonish, as does the dialogue and many of the descriptions (and over-descriptions). The first-person narration provides no explanation for her actions and I couldn't find a plot to speak of. Finally, the pop culture references were a bit overdone (which fits into the parody theme). 

Sorry I didn't like it. I'd be interested to see other things from you because I do think you have a unique style. 

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland July 28, 2012 - 6:33pm

I feel like there is a middle and an end to this story but know true beginning. I want to know what drives your main charachter. I was more afraid of her than the monster. I'm not sure if that is what you intended. I did like alot of your descriptions. I actually know a few people who still use the same slang. She did feel real to me. Just being "pissed off" doesn't seem like a reason for a mass murderer. Unless maybe the monster get's payback in the end.

I did like the stuff about the playstation and the weed. i used hide things in batery compartments all the time lol. Good stuff.

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland July 28, 2012 - 6:40pm


Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from Danville Virginia--now living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Kindred, by Octavia Butler August 3, 2012 - 5:45pm

Well, let me be the first to say it. I adored this. Cartoony? Sure. It was fantastic. I loved every moment, even the references I'm too old and uncool to get.