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Serafine's picture

A fertile time of year

By Serafine in Scare Us

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Description

There is a small town that was once a fertile rainforest, maybe it should be again.

Comments

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Consider Phlebas, by Iain Banks July 31, 2012 - 9:36am

I really like the sock worm monster idea, but there's something wrong with the pacing, I think. The story takes a really long time to get under way, and even though the events in it are horrifying, they're all stated in the same matter-of-fact tone. I had trouble with that, sorry. I was also distracted by the formatting with all the little LbL balloony things in the margins. I tried to ignore those so I could concentrate on the story. Don't know how much that affected my ability to get into the world of the story.

Serafine's picture
Serafine July 31, 2012 - 10:37pm

Thank you for your comments, I didn't realise that I had uploaded an earlier version with all the editing marks still present. I have changed it so I really appreciate you pointing this out.

Ethan Cooper's picture
Ethan Cooper from Longview, TX is reading The Kill Room, Heart-Shaped Box, Dr. Sleep August 2, 2012 - 11:06am

I like your monster. I think your story could benefit from explaining why the monster exists, and why it's torturing this family. Maybe they're partially responsible...

Visually, you need to break up all those huge paragraphs into smaller ones. Especially when it comes to dialogue. To keep it simple: each time a new person talks, start a new paragraph. This helps the reader follow who's talking.

I think you also have some work to do on your dialogue. It's pretty simplistic, and probably not how real people actually talk. One thing I've found helpful is saying dialogue out loud to see if it sounds okay. Also take a look at your character's reactions to the horrific events and make sure they fit the situation. As a reader, I wanted to get inside the heads of these characters. You've given us the framework for a horror story, and now we need to get down and dirty--actually feel the horror you're describing.

Your storyline is decent, and you have a lot you can do with it.

 

 

Regina Peacecraft's picture
Regina Peacecraft from the Philippines is reading Android Karenina August 6, 2012 - 11:32am

The typos and lacking punctuation marks made some of the sentences confusing. Also, the tone was the same throughout the story, so as a reader, I couldn't really feel the intensity of the horror that the characters were experiencing. Lastly, It's actually normal for a rainforest to be teeming with life, and to be fertile of course (it's the most biologically diverse biome). 

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres August 11, 2012 - 5:50pm

Yeah, definitely work on the splitting up of paragraphs, they come across very intimidating upon first glance, and then very clustered when reading.  And I'll agree on the tone...until the very end, it all felt the same, whether they were swimming or exploding at the table.  At the very end, there is feeling of panic and confusion, but then it's already done.

I like the idea, I like the monster, it's symptoms and then it's "birth," and I love nature coming back for revenge.  See if you can't pace the story out a bit, fix up the dialogue (I didn't think it was all bad, but some of it maybe come use some "flare"), and see where it brings you.  Like Ethan said, the idea is good, and there is a lot you can do with this.  It's just not quite there yet.

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland August 12, 2012 - 10:58am

I liked the swimming scene in the begging. I like the whole happy family setup you gave us. I'm not sure if the daughter's flu helps the plot. It does display a "loving" atmosphere which you abruptly rip appart with no particular reason during the breakfast scene. There are some really good ideas and the  sockpuppet is creepy and fantastic. Work on the dialouge and also work on the tone. I need the kitchen scene to feel more horrific. Also, i'm not sure what happened to the town but i am cool with a little bit of ambiguity. Suggestion: what if your closing lines of the story have Amelia look down at the officers arms to notice little red dots?

sean of the dead's picture
sean of the dead from Madisonville, KY is reading Peckerwood, by Jed Ayres August 12, 2012 - 11:49am

I'll throw in my two cents that I would like that ending as well!

Serafine's picture
Serafine August 14, 2012 - 6:23am

Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate them. This is my first writing submission ever so every comment helps.