The Sharp End

I really liked how the dialogue between Aurthur and Detective Elling created a lot of tension and suspense.  I also liked how you kept the story open ended, as it often leaves me wondering about what really did happen after I finish reading the story.    I wasn't sure why the reporter found Aurthur so threatening that she would leave a note saying that he would have murdered her.  Was it because of the knife?  It seems like that would almost be a "normal" reaction for someone who lost their spouse to a murderer.  Had the reporter been that concerned wouldn't she have taken some sort of measures to protect herself instead of leaving a note in a book?  It also would have been nice to have a bit more background on the murder of his wife.

Well done.  I agree that there were a couple cliches but I don't mind them. I wanted to know a bit more about what happened to Jessica, possibly even more so than I wanted to know if he killed his wife, probably because one might answer the other???  Either way, it made me want to read more, which I suppose is the goal.  Good job and best of luck.

Pretty good work. The dialogue was amazing, but it didn't totally make sense to me what was going on with Jessica. We never get to know what she was actually doing, so it kind of left the story a little open ended. Besides that, great story.

I got to the end of the story and immediately thought I was missing something. This is incomplete. It has no end.

Sometimes you get to the end of a story and you are left with a feeling of wanting more. This feels like there is a whole chunk of story just missing. There isn’t any resolution here. You have almost 2,000 more words to play with, but you appear to have stopped in Act 2. This isn’t an open ending; it’s a lack of ending.

What is Pembroke not telling us?

Why would Townsend possibly think he murdered her? There are no real hints given Pembroke asserts his innocence, and there is no reason to suspect him of being an unreliable narrator.

You can leave the ending open if you want, but at least give us some hint towards resolution and closure. What happens next? I don’t know if you plan to develop this some more. I’d certainly try and use those extra words to give this a third act.

It’s a real shame because I was enjoying the story. It’s well written, full of tension, and I like that nothing is up front. Every bit of information that comes from Pembroke feels hard won. The characters ooze history and clash against each other wonderfully well. It flows well, and the dialogue is good. If there is an occasional foray into cliché, it is done so in a knowing way.

If you do add more to this, drop me a message and I’ll happily read it through again.

W,

Honestly, the only issues I had were the questions I was left with at the end. Now that I know that it's a lead-in to a larger story, that's most definitely a good thing. The dialogue flows very well and there were only a few small cliche moments throughout. Overall, the the important thing is I got to the end and really wanted to keep reading, which is exactly what you want a first chapter to do. Great work! Now go finish it so I can find out what happens!

Hey Warner,

In all fairness, I'm unable to give you a thumb up, because as it's been pointed out, this really isnt a shorty story- the end(even with the edit you made) is too truncated and doesn't really answer a lot of the questions that you bring up- which makes sense if this is only a first chapter.

I'm going to try to review this as a first chapter of a story:

Honestly, I think there's a lot you can trim from the beginning. The first seven pages have some good dialogue and bits, but I thought they moved a bit too slowly, and that there was too much focus on Arthur being a smartass. Be careful about all the remarks he makes through the story- a witty/smartass main character is such a staple of the genre that it almot borders on cliche nowadays. You do have some good lines, like:

I’ve got an eighty-thousand dollar piece of paper, framed, hanging in my office that says otherwise.”

I also like the relationhip between Elling and Arthur, I think it's good and you play of it well.

You picked up my interest around page seven with Jessica's letter. I'm wondering if maybe that would be a better start, with you then sprinkling some of the backstory and examination as we move forward in the story. To me, Arthur doesn't seem like an unreliable narrator, so I never doubted when he says he didn't kill either Jessica or his wife. That said, I also didn't really feel any tension from the accusation- I would think that even if he was sure he didn't kill Jessica, that note would give him more of a reaction.

I like the ending, but I would suggest doing a second pass at his final monologue. The rest of your dialogue is natural and free flowing, but the last bit, with the compasion of the knife's edge to a sinister smile is too overwrought, and I couldn't buy it coming out of a person's mouth.

I hope this helps somewhat. I do think you have the good beginning of a story I would pick up, just not necessarily a short story.

Hi W,

Hard to get realistic interrogation room speech - this isn't bad. You do a good job with what you describe. Though, as these two know each other, though, save the worst expletives for when they're really necessary?

But ultimately, you have given us the start of a story; to unsolved crimes, a series of falsehoods, leaving us where? As the start of a bigger piece, sure, but as a short story it doesn't work for me, however well you tell this section of it. So, a regretful downvote... :( More detailed feedback on what you HAVE written below!

Not sure on time frame for this - how long has he been held for, since he is exhausted, and was he picked up or asked to attend?

Not sure the camera would be hidden these days?

You really think I killed this person?  this is key. She hasn't said this, and if she had, things would be going a lot different. You can use the cliches here - eliminating from inquiry, merely checking up, whatever.

“Why Haiku?” Elling asked.
“She’s short and Japanese.”

- Brilliant! Though, this assumes he's asked the same question. You might introduce some doubt. "I don't know, it;s her email account, not mine. Probably because..." might do it, but still fun!

The shirt stain bit - I get what you're trying to do (avoid the question...) but I don't get the full sense from what he says. Does he do it lightly? Distractedly? Whimsically?

He's been quite shifty, he definitely knows more then he is saying, and the reader doesn't know full details. So - ask yourself, do you really want to pop the conflict with a "He reminded himself that he was innocent."?

immediately connected with it

or a complete disconnect of conscience,

These two come pretty close to each other, kind of leap out at me.

So the end - is powerful, a strong motive for decisive action, a good speech - but it doesn;t wrap up this particular tale. Hope you write more, tell us just what he's done over the last 3 years to investigate his wife's death, Good luck!

Liam