To read this story or to participate in this writing event, you only need a free account.
You can
To find out what this event is about click here
Hello, if this is your first time here, login with Facebook or create a free account to get started. Otherwise, Click here to log in
Comments
Cmangano,
thanks for reading and really pleased you enjoyed. Thanks for the kind words, and yeah, I wrote the ending like that on purpose, there are hints / allusions to what could happen, but I don't define it on purpose.
If you have entered a story, let me know, more than happy to return the courtesy with a read!
All the best and happy writing!
Mads
Hey Mads,
This was an interesting tale. Great characters, good dialogue and not at all predictable. The future elements were well played, I think. You hinted just enough early on to get me asking when the hell it was set, which is a good thing. It was just enough to hook me.
I'm not sure I love Hush's voice though. A lot of the short, declarative statements kept me at arms length. He was funny, but it just felt a bit choppy and one thought didn't seem to lead to the next in some places. But going by the above comments, that's probably just me.
I also had problems with amount of plotlines. In this amount of space, I think you would have been better off without either the ex-wife or the 'Wabbit' Guy. The 'Wabbit' Guy's plot seems to end too conveniently and the ex-wife's scene feels way too complicated to just be brushed off. In some of the comments above, you said you were expanding this story into a novella; it would be interesting to see how all these plotlines do with more room to play.
This was a good story, but I wanted to like it more than I actually did. This is one of the more talked-about stories in the contest, so I think the hype set me up to fall. It's still a thumbs up, though.
Damon,
thanks very much for reading and for the thumbs up. It is a shame that the story didn't live up to the hype for you (I had no idea there was chatter about this tale on the site lol so thanks for the heads up), but I find that things seldom do, but its more fuel for my fire and for that, I thank you.
The multiple plotlines was something I wanted to experiment with, I didn't want want to write an over written short piece that focused on one aspect of this story, I just don't find that fun or challenging and as such it would reflect in the writing. This piece was fun to write, its got a lot of positive comments and the negatives are all so constructive they still feel like a win.
I appreciate your honesty in the critique, if you have a story in the contest I would be more than happy to return the courtesy.
All the best and happy writing.
Mads
Enjoyed this story, especially the first half. Hush is a great character, I like how you played it 'straight' with the crime trappings, gave us a proper noir 1930s-50s style detective story, but ostensibly set in the future. The mixture of modern nightlife and a newly multicultural London off the back of East Asian investment was very inspired, excellent setting and world building. The prose is very sharp too, very Raymond Chandler -- blunt and witty.
But I think the tension falls flat a little as it comes together towards the last half. My first problem is that the scene where Hush catches Renzo happens to quickly for my liking; I would have liked a little more of a build up, and more description of the gore Renzo has left in his wake. Also, maybe don't overdo this bit cuz then it's just infodumping through dialogue, but I would have liked to know more of Renzo's motivations.
On the point of motivations, the interlude with the ex-wife just didn't do it for me. I felt it rested too heavily on 'mentally ill woman' tropes and didn't make sense -- how did she sneak up on him, drag him back to her house, etc.? I get if it's to expand Hush's backstory but I woulda preferred if this section were left out and you spent more time with Renzo, Cockwomble and the final scene at the bar.
Again with the final bar scene, I would have liked to be there a little more; the final three paragraphs are super tense and nicely done but I would have preferred some expansion there.
Apart from that though cracking story, sharp prose, style, characters and world building. Only things needing tweaking to me are tension building and plot. Either way an enjoyable read; thumbs up!
Tom
Tom,
thanks for reading, the thumbs up and the advice. Really pleased you enjoyed the world building.
All your comments are valid, funnily enough I had the same thoughts while writing the first draft but unfortunately had to draw a line under a lot of them for this word count (I am terrible at over writing stuff / over complicating so for this tale, I employed a ton of rules to stick to, one was keep going forwards and try not to go off on tangents, which if you love world building, you probably know what I'm talking about) I honestly didn't have the space to flesh out certain aspects, usually I would, but for this incarnation, all Hush had to do was survive the day lol.
Hush finding Renzo quickly is meant to be subverting a trope, most detective tales are all about finding someone / missing person, you know the drill, for this, I wanted him on the hunt and then for it to all come together for him without him barely lifting a finger nail (if you will), that's Renzo's story and the cavalry (Hush) turning up at the end to help him / arrest him lol. The novella will actually focus on this thread more. His motivation in this tale is left ambiguous, I wrote it as you never run out on a check at the Red Pepper Restaurant, they will fn kill you. I didn't mention what the restaurant does. That was part of world building that I cut in this version lol. I could tell you now, but it'll spoil the novella.
The same with the ex-wife, the crazy ex-wife is a standard trope as you said, but all you needed to know is that she is a bad a$$, she's plied her trade in wetwork (black ops dirty work oh the blood!) and is more than capable of taking out Hush, like she does every year since their divorce lol. It was actually meant to be a skit on the whole femme fatale trope, some have enjoyed the comedy, others not so much.
Tension is something that I think I could've worked more on in those sections, my excuse is deadline (excuses excuses lol), but we'll see how it goes in the next draft. The ending was actually difficult for me to write, I wanted to say more, but the rhythm wouldn't let me lol.
Thanks again for the read Tom and for reiterating some thoughts I have had, all things remaining equal, the longer format will solve these issues (and probably create a host of brand new ones lol).
All the best and good luck with the contest, your story KitKat is outstanding and definitely one of the best I've read in this contest. You should seriously think about turning that into a series.
Mads
Hearing your reply I definitely like what you tried to do here; trope subversion is one of my favourite things and I love it when done well. I do think this could benefit from a longer format, more set-up and backstory and elaboration, then the trope-undermining and slightly parodic aspects of the characters would come more alive. It's definitely one of the most original and engaging peices i've read, and the imagery -- eg. of renzo the samurai rabbit -- sticks very vividly.
Well done again, and thanks so much for the kind words on Kitkat. I will definitely think of writing more with Philippa, thanks again!
Tom
Killer story man, I really did enjoy it. As a whole, there really wasn't anything that I would change significantly. The story was witty and maintained a solid pace throughout. A lot of good one liners in there. Echoing some other comments, I was a little uncertain by the ending. I might have missed something but I really wasn't sure what the Black Band signified in terms of the setting you've developed. Either way, solid read.
Zack,
thanks for reading and your positive comments. Really glad you enjoyed it. The Black Band is a reference to death. I've left it ambiguous to what happens next on purpose, but I do believe that the theme of the black band is lost in translation (on our side of the pond, its synonymous with death just as the black cap is / was in our courts). Something for me to ponder.
All the best and happy birthday!
Mads
First off, I'm going to say that I had a difficult time giving this one a thumbs up, but I did. The voice, setting and characterization was very well done. What made me hesitate was that there were several plot lines weaved through this story that deserve a lot more word mileage than the contest allows. You got the rabbit samurai and the ex-wife, and for me, personally, I'd stick with the rabbit. The ex-wife storyline does nothing to move the story forward at this point in time. Take that part out and use the allotted word count to beef up the other plot and you've got yourself a winner. What made me give it a thumbs up is that the words have put some imagery in my head that is unforgottable, and that's strong stuff my friend. So many stories I read that I can't even remember the next day, and then this one, that will stay with me for a long time...that's why I read, and that's a good job.
Bob,
thanks very much for reading, the thumbs up, your advice and your appreciation for the word count. Especially pleased that you found the imagery memorable, in a contest that is over a hundred deep, this means a lot and has made my day.
I guess the longer version I've been working on will probably be more to your tastes, bit more meat on there to chew as you say. With this short story I really didn't want to go down the route of over writing a simple sequence of events, I wanted something more fun / playful and three hours later this story was more or less complete and leaving me thinking I could get more with a novella lol. The wife sequence does seem to have readers torn, it was there as a gag but people have interpreted it in different ways and the results are certainly interesting.
All the best and good luck with the contest, you've got a solid tale that I'll remember for a long time too, only writer in this contest that started their story with a joke that put a smile on my face. Good stuff!
Mads