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Prison - Day One
Very interesting angle to pick, the story took a while to get going but the climax is worth it. it allowed you to get attached to the characters and got a very clear mindset for the headspace they were in. Great job.
I agree with The Kyle :-)
You clearly control your writing and do it in a very good way. You also maintain the voice throughout the story. The twist at the end was very orginal and I really didn't see that one coming.
If I would make one sugestion it would be to try and increase the pace of the story. It flows quite slowly and that tends to put readers off after a while. Nothing much is needed. Adding a bit of intrigue or conflict, upping the ante as you go along... Taking a few descriptive passages and show them instead of telling them...
A thumbs up from me because it really doesn't need much to make this into a really great piece.
I agree with the other reviewers regarding pace. Starts really slowly, and I need a quick hook to engage me - character traits, setting, conflict, something.
Solid, confident, and consistent voice. Flows well and sounds natural.
I enjoyed the story, but I agree with the others above regarding pacing. There was a page or so in the beginning that started to lose me, but after that, it was solid. It was an interesting and well written read.
I’m afraid for me this didn’t feel like a complete story. Given you set this in a prison, there is very little tension or conflict, and this does seriously affect the flow of the piece. The very end feels like it happens because you need a climax, rather than being something that you build towards.
You have a knack for voice. It is consistent and feels perfectly natural. The dialogue is captured well too, and these all feel like real people. The fixing of the bet is something you can imagine happening, and the PSA is a wonderfully nutty concept. It’s silly and yet all too believable.
One thing you may want to consider is POV. We’re with the driver for the most part, and then in the line-up with the guards. In a longer story shifts in POV aren’t an issue, but in a short story it can prove distracting. Sticking with the driver would add some tension at the end. To have Ringwald blab about the bet in front of him would add more of an element of risk.
I’m not sure what your goal is with this piece. Given your description is ‘Prison – Day One’, it could be that you want to develop this into a much longer story. If that is the case, it’s a solid start. The slow beginning (a first half that barely moves) is not so much of a problem. In a short story though you need to move into the actual story quicker - set up the conflict, explore the conflict, resolve the conflict. You have a good setting and a good voice, you just need the good story to go with it.
Interesting, a little thick and heavy to wade through though. Excellent voice, very consistent and immersive.
This story took me a long time to get into. The beginning is long and I felt a litte confused about what was going on. This story seems like it should be about Ring, but he is almost a non factor. In my opinion I think you should cut a lot of the Bus driver scenes and focus more on Ring.