The Asshat Fund

I loved this one. Great storytelling. The dialouge is supurb and that's really difficult when the story relies so heavily on it. The characters were very identifiable as individuals. None of them sounded the same.

I love the bits in the dialogue about "That's what I like about you..." from Alvin

Good stuff. The grammar and language and structure were all good too. I really don't have anything negative to say about this one.

Job well done.

--JR--

I enjoyed this short story. Details come together cleverly and keep you interested. The main character is self-serving and morally ambivalent, but he IS NOT STUPID!
Nice work Todd Morr.

Todd,

thanks for writing and I certainly enjoyed. Pace was good (I prefer short stories that are written like this as it leaves the reader wanting more), but I was hoping for a richer ending, when I say richer ending, you mentioned John Woo - GIVE US JOHN WOO (or Johnnie To), this piece demands a proper heroic bloodshed style ballistic finale. As it is, the pace keeps the same until the very end. The moment he mentions the sound proofing after he's given the gun, you could have sooooooooooo much more fun here.

Also, if you change your font to something a bit more legible it'll read even better.

Take my comments with a pinch of salt and if you must, some mescal and lemon.

All the best and happy writing.

Mads

That was a fun little ride.  Nothing to nitpick.  I enjoyed the clever back and forth, a touch of violence, a touch of humor, and some redemption.

Awesome plot and great one liners.

I loved the story, the witty banter between characters was fun and interesting. I have always been a fan of revenge stories and lenjoyed how this one played out. It did make me want more at the end, that is by no means a bad thing, but something more could happen in the basement. keep up the good work.

Good job, Todd. I can only echo the prior sentiments.

One thing I would look at is the 'convenient' appearance of the Kevlar. It's appearance just when it's needed feels contrived. I think it might be better to back up and make that the reason Alvin put one between Mick's eyes.

Also, it might be better if he boosts a car from Stiva's house. It doesn't seem like a bloody guy in Kevlar walking away from from the scene is going to get far.

That my 2 cents. Overall an entertaining, easy read.

Really solid.  Consistent and strong voice throughout.  Good hook at the beginning.  Top notch pacing.

Only critique is that some of your sentences were overstuffed with clauses and modifieds.  Here's an example- "I had a bigger, newer, television in my apartment, colder beer, and probably the same grocery bought frozen wings I was eating here in my freezer, but since the divorce too much time sitting alone in the apartment had me thinking bad thoughts, so I spent my Sundays and Saturdays, here."  Reads more like a carefully constructed sentence than a natural thought in the character's head.  Could have been "I had a bigger, newer, television in my apartment, colder beer, and probably the same grocery bought frozen wings I was eating here in my freezer.  Ever since my divorce I spent far too much time sitting alone in the apartment.  Being alone in the apartment lead to thinking and thinking lead to bad thoughts.  So I spent my Sundays and Saturdays here at the bar."  You break up your dialog very nicely, but bogged down in the descriptions.

Nice story. Like some of the other comments said, the dialogue is really amazing. Very realistic. In my opinion, the story seemed a little rushed, but I guess that's just me. One small suggestion, you could make the whole last words thing a bit more cinematic, since, to the reader, it seems like they actually are going to be his last words. Overall, the story was really good.

This was a fun read. The opening was a really nice hook into the story. And then the dialogue in the second part was what kept me there. The dialogue was really fluid and believable. It felt like a genuine conversation, which is great. I do think the opening was a bit clunky. It's almost like you weren't quite sure where the story was taking you at first, but then there's a point somewhere in the second part where I could almost tell that you'd gotten into a stride with it and you knew what was happening. Your characters were rich in dialogue but it's really hard to base the visualization of a character on solely that. I think all of your characters could have done with a few descriptive details or mannerisms. I loved the idea of the narrator being convinced to sell his clients' private information, and being more inclined to do so when they're jerks to him. That whole concept really speaks to the world we live in today, where identity theft is a huge concern for a lot of people. Well done there. However, I think you had some wiggle room to really draw that part of it out. I would have liked to have seen him struggle a little more with the moral aspect of what he was doing. That's mostly personal preference, though. The ending was definitely rushed. There was absolutely some wiggle room to make that a badass action sequence. I actually found myself saying, "It's over? Just like that?" That can be a good thing and a bad thing because it left me wanting more, but it also left me a little dissatisfied. I agree with all the previous comments, though, about the very last part. That was a great send off. On a formatting note, I'm not sure why there were lines between every paragraph after the first part. That was a little off-putting, but mostly it was just a little distracting. Overall it was a solid story. Thanks for sharing!

Awesome story, great dialogue. I especially liked the dialogue of Alvin and James first talking, shooting smack talk at each other, establishing status.

Nonlinearity of the narrative was great as well. I love how it started with an interrogation scene like a film, then with flashback and continuity, the story paced on nicely.

I also liked when James unloaded a clip into Alvin. You have this accountant character, who's getting beat up by the criminals, then you have that guy shoot back, that was unexpected, in a good way.

Well played.
The one liners work well, especially the end of Chapter 4.

Hi Todd

Great story.  The dialogue was fast and sharp, which is always a benchmark of good crime fiction for me.  Loved the characters, and you probably have one of the best titles I've come across so far in the competition.  The set-up was great and element of who was double-crossing who in such a limited number of words was carried off very well.

The only criticism, and this maybe only because I was enjoying reading it so much, was that the ending kind of came up on me quickly.  It's not that the ending was unsatisfying (because from a story perspective it was absolutely right), it was just that the pacing felt a little speeded up to me after the point where Alvin shot Mick.  I think a slightly more paced approach once James is heading up the stairs would build the audience towards the conclusion.

However, very minor criticism as this was hugely enjoyable.  Look forward to seeing more of your work around.

Scott

Thumbs up. Couple run-on sentences and some that should be clipped and turned into two. Reading on my phone and there's page lines everywhere - dont know what that is. But good flow and structure to the story. Consistent enjoyable voice throughout. I liked that ur guy returned to the same "not the same as smart" statement. Maybe needs a bit more comedy to make the title less immature. 2 or 3 more jokes should do it.

good job.

Matt

Nothing new to add that hasnt been said above. Great story, great characters, great dialogue. I think the humour and wit really made the story come alive, you made the scam plot superoriginal with those characters. Nice one!

The dialogue in this story is natural and moves at a good pace. The plot is well thought out and makes for a fun revenge story ( both on the clients and Alvin). There was one thing that  really caught my attention. James is portrayed as a fairly mild character, he doesn't even want to give out the names/info of clients because it's illegal. It's believable that given an opportunity, a man who is constantly abused might not pass up a chance to make a few bucks off of the assholes doing the bullying, especially if he thinks he won't get caught. I have an issue however believing that this character would be willing to empty ten rounds into a man with seemingly no remorse (although I did like the way that part was written), and then run upstairs to finish off  two more guys. I think that the action is great, but up until he shoots Alvin, James seems to be a regular guy who is bothered, at least at first, by the moral issues of ripping off faceless jerks, deciding not to do it, then maybe just one, eventually justifying it for several clients. Killing Alvin, while pleasantly surprising, seems to be out of character. Deciding to kill Stiva and his crony further the differences. Smashing in a mans face and flashing a smile to a witness seems a little too bad ass for the original timid account that we meet, but perhaps that was the point, to surprise the reader. Overall the story was a fun read with plenty of great action scenes. Nice work. Good luck in the contest.