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Morrisonleary's picture

Somnambulism

By Morrisonleary in Arrest Us

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Description

When a man's heart is ripped out from his chest and swept beneath the rug. His psyche becomes lost in the chaos. For when he sleeps his body loses all control. Watch as the crimes unfold.  

Comments

Joshua Chaplinsky's picture
Joshua Chaplinsky from New York is reading Stories of YOUR Life June 27, 2014 - 2:25pm

Hey buddy, I see you've gotten 21 "reads" (which I translate as downloads) and no ratings. I have a feeling this might be due to the fact that, A) you are well over the 5,000 word limit, and B) you didn't double space. People who read a lot of stories can be a might picky about that last thing.

Being over count excludes your from the prize running, but if you have no intention of trimming the piece, I'd at least reformat to entice more reads. Dense text is intimidating and murder on the eyes.

Also, while intriguing, your description doesn't really give any indication of what your story is about. You've got to draw the readers in more.

Morrisonleary's picture
Morrisonleary from Spokane, WA is reading Nine Stories By J.D. Salinger June 27, 2014 - 7:45pm

Hey, thanks for taking the time to give me a heads up. I had no idea that people would be that picky. This is the first time I have used this site. I suppose I better conform to the likes of others. I kind of figured I would be excluded from the contest. This story was just fun for me. if anybody liked it then awesome. If not then it is out there. It was at about 20 pages previously so if I cut anymore off it will take away from the story. I hoped you at least enjoyed the humor in it.  

Laura Keating's picture
Laura Keating from Canada is reading The Aleph and Other Stories July 2, 2014 - 2:59am

I'm afraid that this one was a bit rough for me. I think that you obviously enjoy writing, and you do have something there, but I felt like this could still use some editing down, and formating. The story was hard to get into, I couldn't get a good feel for it or the characters. Also, it just ends in the middle of a sentence. Intentional? 

The formatting was difficult to get passed. The single spacing was very hard on the eyes. 

Overall I would say work is needed.

- LVK

Morrisonleary's picture
Morrisonleary from Spokane, WA is reading Nine Stories By J.D. Salinger July 3, 2014 - 8:06pm

I guess it isn't for everyone. Thanks for reading it :)

Seb's picture
Seb from Thanet, Kent, UK July 2, 2014 - 6:17am

The start read like a hundred year old novel, so much so that I had to re-read the sentence mentioning 1915, as initially I thought it was going to be a period piece. Your voice and style is very elegant, which was a complete juxtaposition to the dialogue. This is not a bad thing at all, however the elegance of your prose seemed to slip as the story gained momentum towards the end. There was also a lot of bodily fluid, which again seemed out of place alongside your earlier tone. Watch out for spelling/grammar mistakes, for example:

It felt like I had slept walk through the remaining hours of the week.

i think you meant sleepwalked.

There is a good story here, but it felt like two together. The first half is slow and deliberate, almost classical. The second half is faster, sillier, and a little crass in comparison, but by itself would work well. Perhaps cut a lot from the start and begin at the couch section, so the pace is quicker, or keep with the eloquent opening and make this more traditional. Anyway, a solid effort.

Morrisonleary's picture
Morrisonleary from Spokane, WA is reading Nine Stories By J.D. Salinger July 3, 2014 - 7:46pm

Hey, thanks for reading my story. It is a little bit out of the normal for me to be writing a story such as this but I really had fun with it. I will see what I can do on changing it up. :)

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) July 8, 2014 - 3:47pm

I've been hammered on formatting previously as well, so you have my sympathies on those comments.

You have a very literary style, which is unusual in short stories, or at least I've read few similar examples. There are some wonderfully descriptive passages, and your love of language shines through.

I do firmly believe that in short stories simplicity is key. You have such a short word count with which to nail the story, that every sentence has to serve the story. I could wallow in your prose for hours, but I don't think it best serves your story at times. For a novel this style works, for a short story it comes across as overwritten. I can completely understand why it's written in such a way, because the fact that it is almost dreamlike fits. I do think that readers of short stories want/need to be grabbed with more immediacy.

You clearly have talent - the strong prose demonstrates that. My personal (and very subjective) view is that this meanders when it should go in for the kill. It's all a matter of taste though, and you can only write for yourself. Given you had fun writing this, I'd call that a win. I've written too many that were like drawing blood from a stone, and just as fun to read.

Best of luck.