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Grant Williams's picture

Point and Shoot

By Grant Williams in Arrest Us

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Description

Jerry finds his wife unconcious on the floor and a man running out the back door of his home with a jewelry box.  After days of the police dragging their feet to find the attacker, Jerry decides it's time to send the detective on the case a message.

Comments

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland June 3, 2014 - 8:11pm

Grant,

Jesus, this was brutal. The pace was a little slow at first. Alot of scenes seem to drag on a little bit longer than they need to but I couldn't stop reading because once he got going I had no idea what he was up to and I had to find out. Nice tension building and suspense there. I was a little confused at first because (believe it or not) I had to look up what dykes were. So at first at the ending I was like what the hell just happened? But then I found out what they were and read the last few scenes again and it was kind of touching. I mean really sad. 

I'm not sure how believable I find it that he would go to that extreme. Normally I'd be like, no way he'd do that. But I was able to kind of let that go and just enjoy the ride. 

You did have some really nice slice of life stuff going on as well. The stuff with him carresing his wife and wanting to touch the nurse are splendid. You really tap into the emotions well, and once again that ending made me go "Holy Shit" and I didn't expect it at all so Bravo there. 

Overall really good story. Keep it up. 

--JR--

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 4, 2014 - 4:56am

Jonathan,

Thanks for the read and comments.  I suppose I could have used a different word for dykes (dikes?), such as wire cutters, but I grew up in the country and that's what I knew the old men to call them.  I probably should have been clearer there.   Glad I could gice you a holy shit moment.

madsmaddox's picture
madsmaddox from Berkshire is reading Fated June 4, 2014 - 2:55am

Grant,

Thanks for writing, I found your story a little slow burning to my tastes, there is a lot of painstaking detail in there which at times I didn’t feel was needed (the camera sequence seemed very extraneous and really slowed the pace), but underneath it all there is a creative idea I do genuinely like.

But there are a few things, the humanity of the protagonist seemed a little confused by the lack of emotion in places but acts of kindness in others, he doesn’t seem to be that bothered his wife has been hospitalised (he doesn’t really comment on it, more interested in getting the attacker, this kind of contributes to the ending), seems more interested in the nurse (and at the same time he wouldn’t do anything about it even if he could?) but he does little details (the wig / taste of the kiss etc) and then the ending, which works in a very cruel way to prove a point, but is the old man a sociopath that was unhappy in his marriage? He slept well the night his wife is in hospital. Then goes out on a crime spree to prove a point (this I thought was fun) and then we get to the ending which left me a little confused by his motive. 

I think if you cleaned up the motive (is it just to prove a point?) and readdressed his relationship with his wife, you would have a much stronger story. This tale hinges on reaction and emotion, you’ve got the reaction, but it lacks emotion.

One thing, the word dyke, did you mean the cutting tool? As in dike? It could be that you use a different spelling in your part of world but I had to check.

Obviously take my comments with a grain of salt, I didn’t hate this piece at all and I do see merit in the concept. It just isn’t there yet for me.

All the best and happy writing!

Mads

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 4, 2014 - 5:07am

Thanks Mads.

I can see that it would come off a bit slow.  There isn't a ton of action, but for me it was important to keep it that way.  He's an old man and everything moves slow for him.  And as for the motive I may have failed on this, but it wasn't so much about getting the bad guy as being noticed.  I'll have to take a look and see where I cold have tightened that up and maybe tighten the story up, making it move a bit faster.  As for the dykes (dikes) thing, thats how it was used when I was a kid, but I don't come from a long line of good spellers, so there's a damn good chance I got it wrong.  No grain of salt necessary, you've given me good food for thought.  Thanks.

Robert VanCleave's picture
Robert VanCleave from The Land of Ice And Snow is reading "Sex Lives of Siamese Twins" by Irving Welsh June 4, 2014 - 2:13pm

Grant

Personally found this story's pacing to be very fitting.  The complete unpredictabilty of the protagonist, at least for me, kept me interested through the detail of a routine.  The whole time something feels off and this keeps it from feeling "slow" and gives it an aura of building up to something big. 

What has been described as "emotionlessness" I didn't see it that way at all.  I seen it as a character reaching their breaking point.  Alot of men don't understand how to express such extreme emotion.  I feel this character naturally wouldn't describe his feelings for his wife, he'd want to avoid the topic as much as possible.  He'd probably carry around this emotional shock with him quite a bit.  Use anger as a coping mechanism to avoid the vulnerability of self-pity. 

It did feel a little odd that, in the middle of his describing his affection for his wife he starts eyeing the nurse and whatnot.  I didn't feel the behavior is odd for an old man whose experiencing internal trauma, I just felt the time and place was odd. 

I liked the term "dikes" being used, knowing what was being referred to, because it kept a certain openness to what they were going to be used for.  "Wire cutters", "Diagonal cutting pliers", or "bolt cutters" would have spelled out his intentions to "cut" something before the big reveal - and even though I knew dikes were used for cutting the vague term kept it from being obvious. 

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 5, 2014 - 5:21am

Robert, I'm glad you liked it.In retrospect, the eyeing the nurse might be a bit creepier than I intended.  Perhaps I'll have to go back and tone it down a bit so that it's feels like more of an admiration than a lust situation.  And good point with the dikes.  Thanks for the read.

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland June 5, 2014 - 8:12am

Honestly I loved the bit about the nurse. For me it didn't come off creepy or lustful at all. The way I took it is that she reminded him of his wife when she were younger. His wanting to touch her skin in his mind is really about wanting to be closer to his wife who he knows is dying and the he can't save her.

big_old_dave's picture
big_old_dave from Watford, about 20 miles outside London, Uk June 5, 2014 - 12:30pm

Hi Grant, returning the favour of reviewing my story, 

Really liked the details in this one, the mention of the canadian online pharmaceuticals, the main character attempting to deal with his new phone, I was intrigued all the way to see how the plan would pay off and it didn't disappoint.

A thumbs up from me mate, great work

dave

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 5, 2014 - 1:06pm

Thanks for the read and rate Dave.  I really appreciate it.

Joe P's picture
Joe P from Brainerd, MN is reading Wheel of Time June 6, 2014 - 9:52am

Solid work man! I was interested throughout and the ending paid off. Although the pace is nice and slow, I think if fits with the character and the feel of the story. Rushed wouldn't work. Some of the slower attention to detail passages are what really gives the story its strength. I especially enjoyed the line about him rubbing the back of her hand and how the skin is looser than it had been in the past. You have a nice way of telling us about the characters without being blunt.

Reading through other comments, I had no issue with his relationship with the nurse. I felt he was being honest and realistic.

"Dykes" is a bit of an uncommon term and I suppose it could throw off some readers, but I didn't have an issue with it. By the end of the story, his intentions were clear.

Overall, a good read. Nice job.

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 9, 2014 - 11:25am

Thanks for the read and comments Joe.  

W.a. Warner's picture
W.a. Warner June 9, 2014 - 10:36am

I enjoyed the story. The pacing was slow but I felt that you wove in plenty of curious behavior that it upped the tension. I like to use this technique too. The protag toying with the detective was intriguing and fun. I like the theme, "the importance of being noticed," and how that can trump even love (at least, this is how I interpreted it). I started to think that Martha was actually clubbed by the husband...

Thanks for sharing!

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 9, 2014 - 11:23am

W.a, thanks for the feedback.  I can't say I didn't toy with the idea of him being the clubber...

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) June 10, 2014 - 5:46am

There are some parts of this I really liked. The protagonist is almost perfect, and the pace of the piece matches the character well. I love that while you present him at times as a doddery old man, he has a wonderfully understated sense of humour that really shines through. Describing the life leaving the eyes of the phone salesman, and the bit about imagining the impossible being his pastime (not past time) both made me chuckle. This isn’t a clichéd character. He has levels to him, and I really liked that.

The moment I started getting into this story was the line “Hope is horseshit”.  It’s a slow build, well written, but that’s the moment I started to realise I was going to like Jerry. It also provides a neat foreshadowing of the ending… “Action gets things done”.

Strictly speaking getting the phone and learning to use the camera facility adds nothing to the story, though I quite liked that section. This is someone who is tackling his plan methodically, and there is a good level of detail here to show that. There are some really nice humanising moments for Jerry too, whether worrying constantly over the wig, or in being drawn to the nurse.

What weakens the story for me though is his motives. Jerry shows tenderness towards his wife, yet he is quite willing to disconnect her life support and terminate her (I had to look up dykes too, perhaps when he’s taking the photo, change it to wire-cutters?). Maybe it’s just me, but I really don’t understand why he’s doing that, or why he’s targeting Milton (is the name a nod to Paradise Lost by the way?). I do love a bit of ambiguity in stories, but I also like to understand motive, and I just don’t here.

Is Jerry really upset by the crime at the start? This doesn’t ever explore the emotions he feels towards his wife’s situation. I’m guessing he’s only looking to kill her (if he does kill her) because he firmly believes she isn’t going to pull through. I don’t know what he hopes to achieve. Jerry is an intelligent man, so he must know that ultimately his actions are going to make no difference either to solving this crime, or to the conscience of Detective Milton.

You have a wonderful character and you are great slowly increasing the tension. For me though, and this is all just my opinion of course, if you were to sort out the motives and expectations it would make for a greatly improved story.

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland June 10, 2014 - 7:11am

Maybe I got it wrong but I assumed when he cuts the wires at the end while the machine is still plugged in the wall that he would die of electrocution. I suppose the handles are rubber so maybe not but he could remove the rubber or maybe he didn't think about that. But to me he decided she's not going to make it so he doesn't want to go on without her. So he decides to take her with him and teaching the cop a lesson is an added bonus for him. Maybe I'm way off but that's how I read it.

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 10, 2014 - 7:25am

Thanks for the read and review Adam.  I'm glad you like the character.  To answer you question about being upset about the crime, I tried to set it far enough away from the moment, giving a few days to come to terms with it before starting the story.  Perhaps four days wasn't long enough to show that the police weren't getting things done and that things weren't necessarily going to improve.  I did have a line in there originally about him making a statement, knowing that it wouldn't change anything, but at least he would know he did something.  I ended up taking it out because I felt it was too telling, perhaps not.  That is a good idea about changing dykes to wire cutters for the last scene.  

Matt A.'s picture
Matt A. June 10, 2014 - 6:43am

There's been a lot of mention of the stories pacing from previous reviews and I can see your point in pacing matching character. The problem for me, then, if I eschew the word "pacing" is the fact that the story opens four days after a traumatic event. That's not always a showstopper, but it did two things: It took me out of the immediacy, where I needed more of an answer to the "so what?" as to why I should keep reading, and second, it takes away from the man's motive. What I mean by that is, because he decides to put his wife out of her misery, I think we should see the attack in all its immediate horror. Home invasion and violence against my family is one of my personal big fears, and I'm guessing many others share that. So, I think you should tap into that horror and get a little more into the present on the attack, that way we see the man's real pain other than as a recap four days later. Make sense? For me, this took a lot of the urgency and "so what" from the story. I didn't feel a real connection between the two of them. His need for her to keep the wig on and his presence by her bedside helped, but it feels lacking as far as sympathy to the protagonist.

Because you've decieded to maintain a slower pacing to fit characterization, I would suggest cutting out as much fluff as possible to keep people reading. One example is where you say that the fact that he used Jerry's name at the end of each sentence stood out. It wasn't a necessary sentence because that fact already stood out for me, so saying it in the story is redundant. Also, the scene where he's at home taking test pictures really slowed things down and I found myself skimming over a lot of it. Summarize and cut down where you can.

Motive also hurts as far as him targeting the detective. I know cops can be frustrating, but the way you painted the detective wasn't apathetic enough to justify, IMO at least, the protag's quest to teach him a lesson. I'd say the detective needs to come off a little more callous for this to be believable. As I read this I felt a little worse about the cop than the protag, which I don't think you were aiming for (it might not help that I was a cop for 8 years. lol).

Dykes--I've been around the old work bench many a time, but I have no idea what these are. If you want to keep the name, that's cool. I'd suggest just some kind of description to make it clear that they are a cutting tool.

I see there was also discussion about his borderline lustiness toward the nurse. Don't change it just because it reflects badly on the protag. White Knight protag's are boring. We're only human. What married guy hasn't thought of another woman like that before in real life?

Well, hope this stuff helps. Good luck.

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 10, 2014 - 8:06am

Thanks for the read and review Doug.

I can see your point about making the initial crime more powerful.  I'll have to try to spice that up a bit, but without making it the central focus of the story.  As I addressed in a response to a comment above, I wonder if my choice to only go 4 days from the event hurt the sense that nothing was being done.  If it were 2 weeks or a month out maybe the apathy of the department would have stood out more.  It's a small thing (a number or the use of the word dykes) that could make a huge difference.  And I never intended for the reader to dislike the detective in any way.  He's just a guy doing his job.  It's almost like with a person's family doctor, to the patient the doctor is the one and only family doctor, but to the doctor the patient is just one of many patients.  Thanks again.

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 10, 2014 - 12:25pm

Hi Grant,

With so many comments already written it becomes dificult to find anything useful to add. First of the story in itself is chilling, so me too I wanted to read on to find out what was going to happen. The pace didn't bother me, I actually found it to go quite well with your main character.

If I could give 2 very subjective inputs (to be thrown away and disregarded if they are of no use of course), the first would be to intensify the story by giving your main character more emotion. There is a lot of telling going on, but a bit more showing would be great to grab your reader's emotional attention. Let us feel what he feels (when he talks about his wife, quite often he feels almost distant. Which of course he is not, seeing how the story ends). The second input would be to up the ante with regard to motive. Your main character clearly must be desperate to go to such extremes. It would be good to make that come out more, so that we feel his pain, his despair, his frustration and his lack of hope that anything will ever be ok again. Maybe you can have him conflict more with the detective and the hospital staff ?

All in all a really good story that in my opinion doesn't need much to become a great story. So a thumbs up from me !

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 10, 2014 - 1:12pm

Thanks Geert.  I'm running into the same issue with the stories I've been reading.  There's a ton of great reviewers out there so by the time I get to them I tend to say a lot of 'me too's', so I appreciate you finding input.  It seems I need to drive the motive a bit harder and I've got some thoughts on how to do it.  I'm glad that the input I'm getting seems to be relatively consistent so I have a decent barometer of how to gauge the things that need work.

Liam Sweeny's picture
Liam Sweeny from Albany, NY is reading Country Hardball June 12, 2014 - 9:23am

Great Story, Grant. Yeah, the dykes was awierd word, but at the end, I knew what you were talking about. I enjoyed it.

 

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 12, 2014 - 9:31am

Thanks Liam. I appreciate the read.

Seb's picture
Seb from Thanet, Kent, UK June 17, 2014 - 5:23am

There's a great story in here, but too many spelling and grammar errors that it becomes distracting, for example:

Either Kayla didn’t tell the new nurse about Martha’s wig, so it’s still on her head when I step out.

I did enjoy the idea, and the character is well established, so with a quick revision to correct mistakes and avoid repetition (study...study...house...house...) this will be a really good story. Also, what are dykes? A brief explanation would be handy for us non-US folk who probably call them something completely different. Good story though.

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 17, 2014 - 6:13am

Thanks for the read Seb.  I'll have to go back and take a look.

Todd Morr's picture
Todd Morr from Colorado Springs CO is reading Notes From the Internet Apocalypse June 18, 2014 - 2:15pm

I feel it could have been tightened up some, there were some things that did not really add to the story, and made it a bit slow. This is a good story, with a solid lead character and a good payoff at the end, but with better pacing could have been great.

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 25, 2014 - 4:47am

Thanks for the read and rate Todd.

GG_Silverman's picture
GG_Silverman from Seattle June 24, 2014 - 2:43pm

Hi Grant!

Very fun story and unusual concept. I loved the voice of the character. Since everyone gave you tons of feedback already, I'll just quickly second what folks said about motivation & emotion. Otherwise, thumbs up to a very creative piece. :)

 

warrenpawlowski's picture
warrenpawlowski from Connecticut is reading The Dark Tower series June 30, 2014 - 10:58am

With some further development and insight into the protagonist to offset the at-times plodding pace, and some fine-tuned editing to correct the typographical and formatting errors that could (and should) be easily fixed, this could be a great short story. The former is most important, I think, as it would also help the ending from feeling less "out of left field."

Liam Hogan's picture
Liam Hogan from Earth is reading Hugo Nominations July 3, 2014 - 1:01pm

Hi Grant,

You could do with a trick I try - reading your piece aloud. This allows you to capture less than elegant repetition. "Study" for example, in the first paragraph.

The tone this story starts with, doesn't quite click. "Martha's not doing so hot." - it's a downplaying you might get in a Noir from a jaded thug, but not this elderly man. Who also wouldn't try and chase - so don't have him trying. (You're allowed to have him think about it, though!). It's making it difficult for me to picture this narrator - who admits to being physically a nothing, who has a study, but then comes out with "hope is horseshit". The sentiment I understand, but I'm not sure you've nailed his voice.

You spend, I think, too long on inconsequentials. What he has for breakfast, the way he practices on the phone. These really slow the pace down.

Who is Lewis?

Even when you begin to descibe him breaking the law (speeding) it is done longwinded with "Once I establish my presence in the merging lane" being an example.

Dykes or dikes? I'm guessing the latter : "Dikes, diagonal or side-cutting pliers, a hand tool used by electricians and others".

Ultimately, you don't convey the emotions Jerry must feel to do these actions, and the actions themselves don't make a heck of a lot of sense. You leave the ending ambiguous, does he or doesn't he, but you don't set it up strongly enough that the "does he" is all that plausible Perhaps if there is more conflict - perhaps if you point out that of the two of you, it was Martha who was the strong one, who looked after you, and without her - or even with her but less able, you're both doomed?

Sorry, but for all these reasons, it just wasn't that much fun to read.

Liam

 

 

 

Cmangano's picture
Cmangano from Maine July 3, 2014 - 9:13pm

I thought this was a great piece. I personally found that having seemingly irrelevant pieces, like what he was having for breakfast or taking a shower after a phone tech lesson made him more believable,similarly having him notice that Kayla the night nurse is attractive makes him seem like an actual person. Just because he's in love doesn't mean that he's blind.

I like that you go into detail about him trying to figure out the cell phone like it's a major piece of machinery, making it a point that he has to figure out, not just how to take a picture but how the camera (along with the rest of the phone) functions. This idea seems somehow old fashioned and, once again, reminds us that he is an elderly man.

While this story didn't hit me hard with a lot of action it still kept me on the edge. I understood how the character was feeling, even when his attitudes seemed to contradict each other. People are not purely sweet and sincere or pessimistic and apathetic. In my opinion you did a nice job not  making a character a caricature. Well done.

I take the ending to mean either that he knows that his wife isn't going to make it and wants to end things for her, seeing that he is old and possibly dying himself, or he expects the detective to witness a murder attempt and give his case more priority. Either way I am a little confused as to where this leaves Jerry in end.

Cmangano's picture
Cmangano from Maine July 3, 2014 - 9:05pm

(sorry, my review posted twice for some reason)

Juice Ica's picture
Juice Ica from Rhode Island is reading The Twelve by Justin Cronin & Beautiful Creatures July 10, 2014 - 12:34pm

I liked this - I was also confused by the term dykes but figured it out at the end (which was...whoa! Unexpected). Other folks have said they found the story slow, I didn't - I found it be be paced well and I spent a lot of time just wondering what the HECK he was up to! 

I loved the detail you put into his day-to-day doings, that really struck me as authentic and it was really well detailed and written so bravo to that - not everyone can do that without boring the every loving holy hell out of the reader. You did not bore me one bit, I was reading as fast as I could to see what this old man was up to. Well done.

Hector Acosta's picture
Hector Acosta from Dallas is reading Fletch July 11, 2014 - 8:50am

Grant,

I was kind of split on this story to be honest. At the end, I enjoyed it enough to give you a thumbs up, but I do have a lot of the reservations that have already been mention.

I think you have a good opening line, though maybe change it to "Martha's not doing so well", as that seems to jive a little bit better with Jerry's character.

I personally didn't have an issue with you starting the story after the assault. The assault itself really isn't important to the story, more the after effects of it and how Jerry doesn't feel like the police is doing a good enough job. I do agree that four days is maybe too soon, so pushing the dates back could help.

The beginning did seem a bit too slow, and I'm worried that people won't stick with the story-unfortunately, if I was reading this for pleasure, I'm not sure I would have. I did fine that as the story went out, I started to enjoy the pace. Even the scenes when he's buying the camera worked for me, and I especially like his own acknowledgment that the clerk was rushing him off so as to have to show him how the phone worked.

As the story went on, I was actually really interested to find out what his plan was, as I really couldn't figure it out. I was so interest in fact that the ending kind of deflated me. I just didn't buy it (and agree that the word dyke needs to be changed). Part of it is due to the detached POV that you give us, in that we're not so deep inside Jerry's head that we feel his frustration at what he feels is a poor job from the police, and partly because we only really get one scene with him and Milton interacting. It leaves me wondering if this was in Jerry's head, or was the police truly not capable of finding the murder-a question that I think you need to answer clearly, as it'll paint the ending in two different ways.

If you're looking to stick to the word limit, I would suggest cutting down a lot of the beginning (him making breakfast, buying the camera phone, etc) and focusing on his interaction with Detective Milton-both face to face and through texts.

Overall I found the writing to be strong, but there were a couple of lines that stood out or confused me:

'He couldn't have seen me, because if he had, my stature wouldn't have been enough to scare him off."

What's the point of this line? If Jerry's stature wouldn't have made a difference, what does it matter if the thief saw him or not?

"...I'm capable of walking an eighteen minute mile if I take a break"

This sounds like walking an eighteen minute mile is a good thing, where I feel like it's a negative.

 

At one point you mention someone named Lewis, but I don't know who that's suppose to be. The guy that sold him the phone?
 

This story has a lot of potential. I wouldn't necessarily change the pace of it, just work to tying the ending together in a stronger way. Hope this helped.

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday July 11, 2014 - 9:09am

I'm a little behind on responding to the comments, but thanks everyone for the reads and rates.  I'm feeling very fortunate that enough readers have read it that I'm getting consistent feedback.  There are some things that work for some and not for others and there's not much I can do about that, but the issues that seem to be brought up consistently give me good direction for editing this story and things to consider in future writing.  Thanks again for your time.

mattymillard's picture
mattymillard from Wolverhampton, England is reading Curse of the Wolf Girl - Martin Millar July 13, 2014 - 10:06am

Hey Grant,

I'm probably going to echo comments which you've had from everyone else I'm afraid! I did really enjoy this though, the man character was excellent, very likeable and the pacy of the story and the detail really suited him.

I'm another one who had to google the word "dykes" so I'd agree that something else shoudl be used. Even when I read it I wasn't sure what the ending was though. I'm hoping that he didn't kill her, and it was just a plea for help and to get the detectives attention. If he did, I'm not sure what this means - whether he was the guy who hit her with the bat, whether he is going to kill himself too (was this why he checked how many pills there were in the house at the start?) or whether it was just not thought through at all and his 'statement' is going to send him to jail.

Anyway - I was hooked into this by trying to figure out exactly what his plan was so a little more clarity at the end would be great! Overall a very enjoyable piece though!

Matty

SamaLamaWama's picture
SamaLamaWama from Dallas is reading Something Wicked This Way Comes July 15, 2014 - 8:23am

Hi Grant, Point and Shoot was a very touching story. In the beginning it moved slow and there was lots of telling, but after awhile it started to feel like that's how Jerry internalized things, kinda the way an old man tells a story. Great job. The ending was brutal, but I could see it happening. Thanks for sharing. ~Sam  

kevymetal's picture
kevymetal from Halifax, NS July 18, 2014 - 2:26pm

The continual fussing with the wig and the refusal to wipe his lips (twice) showed both how much the old man cared for his wife and how humiliating he must've found the whole ordeal, for himself and for her. That wasn't a question for me at all. I might make the detective more unsympathetic, just to make the ending more of a triumph. Regardless, this is a thumbs up for me.

Bob Pastorella's picture
Bob Pastorella from Groves, Texas is reading murder books trying to stay hip, I'm thinking of you, and you're out there so Say your prayers, Say your prayers, Say your prayers July 29, 2014 - 1:15pm

Nice little slow burner that packs a punch at the end. Sorry to come to it so late, afraid there's not much more I can add that's not already been said. I agree with making the detective even more unsympathetic. It's just a job for the burn outs, and those are the ones that really don't care about people. 

Thumbs up, man, good job.