Laocidea

Really good story.  Good twists and turns along the way, and I enjoyed the pace.

Ethan,

Damn, man. Oh, the cover was a nice touch, btw, but wow. It was a great tale. Just when I got the suspicion, that I knew what's going on - it was in the rest-stop for me - I still wanted to keep going. And I was only sort of right, but the ending was insane. Excellent job here. Can't think of anything story level, or even nit-picky, to critique in this. This is solid. 

But there is one thing... How in the hell do you draw a seven stick-figure orgy???

Liam

Great story. Noir has a proud tradition of messed-up incest and thwarted love, and I'm glad to see this continuing the tradition. The big flips are nicely paced out.

Hi Ethan,

Enjoyed reading your story. Thumbs up from me.

Only two small and very subjective suggestions from my side. I wouldn't give her dementia. Even if it sometimes occurs in younger people, it is mostly a disease related with elderly people. Schizophrenia might work just as well ?

And after the horribly unexpected reveal that Miriam and Aaron are actually brother and sister (didn't see that one coming) I would do a final editing to cut out as much as possible. Wrap up the story quickly whilst everyone is still trying to catch their breath from the unexpected twist.

Other than that : great !

Oh, and feel free to totally ignore my subjective inputs :-)

Cheers,

Geert

Not a bad story, readable and entertaining. There were a couple of spelling/grammar mistakes, but only two or three. I found the whole unreliable narrator thing and related twist predictable, but the incest element was a surprise. I have to say I found this story trashy (maybe not the right word?), but in a good way, and it had a real pulp feel. My only problem is I felt you were trying too hard to shock, like a seventies exploitation movie. I admire your storytelling prowess and command of the craft, but this story didn't do it for me, sorry.

I really like this one. I knew Miriam was batshit crazy in the first couple pages. I kind of expected Aaron was dead in the back of the car the whole time. The fact that nothing was waking him. Come to find out he was drugged. That was better.

I figured out they were sibblings write when you cut off Beth's dialouge. I know it was meant to be a teaser or a clue, but I just filled in the blank and was correct. Plus it just made sense with the trips as children and everything. So if you wanted the reveal to be later than that, then maybe edit that dialouge. I figured you'd be okay with us putting it together by then.

The prose is sharp. Real sharp. Do you read Gillian Flynn? Reminded me of her writing, All that said, the mystery aspect of this one was good.

I also like watching Criminal Minds where they profile serial killers in that show. Every now and then they have an episode where the killer isn't aware exactly of what they are doing, or aren't very lucid. Merriam reminded me of that.

I'm not sure why but I got a bit lost toward the end. Could had been readers fatigue or something in your text, but the scene with the shooting when Elizabeth and the baby die, at first I thoght it was beth with the gun trying to shoot Meriam. Maybe one pronoun to many? I worked it all out by the end.

So yeah, nothing about it really dragged on. I was rooting for Eleazar but he didn't make it :(

It did seem like you did some things for shock sake but nothing was overly shocky. If anything I'd like to get behind the psychology of it all a little more. What caused the confussion? It's not necessary but I'm really into that shit.

Anyway,

Great work. Deffinite thumbs up from me.

--JR--

There is a lot to like in this one. It’s engaging the whole way through, and your prose is very good. I get the impression you weren’t too worried if anybody got the first twist early, because you have the second twist a little while after that. If that is the case I can understand why. Like Jonathan I guessed the first twist very early on, though the story kept my interest. By the rest stop I’d guessed the second one, due to the scrawl by the stick orgy. There seemed no reason to mention that picture unless it was relating to something in the story.

In a lot of my comments on stories with twists involved, I’ve said much the same thing; to drop more hints throughout the story so while the twist is still surprising, it’s not out of the blue. Here though I could almost say the opposite. Your writing is very clever, but there are too many clues here. In the first paragraph alone there are three big signs – Eleazar crying, Miriam forgetting formula, Eleazar not taking the breast. You could chop two of those out easily. I’d certainly get rid of her forgetting the formula, and remove the mention later on to breast feeding – “she couldn’t remember the last time she’d nursed him. Had it been long enough for her milk to dry up?”

I like the frantic nature of the ending, but I can also see what Jonathan means about losing it a little at the end. All the way through there is clarity to the narrative, up until that ending. It’s almost as if there is too much going on. Some of the action feels married to convenience as well. I can buy Beth bringing a gun, just about, as you’ve already laid the foundations with her earlier violence. Having the bullet pass through the wall so it kills the baby is a stretch. I believe in the need for suspension of disbelief in the reader, and artistic licence for the writer, but this instinctively feels too far. Then you have the police turn up at that exact moment to terminate Beth. One contrivance is fine, three takes away from the levels you have built into the story.

This is a good story, I enjoyed it, and it’s definitely a thumbs up from me. I do think you can improve on it, and I really don’t think it would take much to do so. Best of luck with it.

Ethan,

my apologies, I downloaded this a while back but only just got round to reading. I found the tale a little predictable just due to some of the elements used were similar to things I've seen (Hand that Rocks the Cradle and even a minor plot arc in The Venture Bros), but you're writing is solid and the only thing that didn't work for me was the extended ending, which has been raised already by other posters, the double twist was one twist too much. Had you finished after the first reveal, that would've worked just fine. Take my comments with a pinch of salt.

This is a definite thumbs up, I do like your writing style.

All the best and good luck with the contest.

Mads

Hi Ethan,

Well, you can certainly write. But you've picked yourself one (two?) of the most difficult challenges you could - the unreliable narrator, and the nutter... I don't think you've quite nailed it, but it's a valient, ambitious attempt, which deserves the thumbs up I'm giving it, and the time spent on the feedback below! Hope you keep honing this one until the pitch is perfect.

 You mention "ceremony" a couple of times before you say "Wedding", but you're not spoiling the surprise if you say wedding straight out. 

When the story starts, I have difficulty locating them. They're on a driveway - presumably outside of someone's house. Her house? His? His and Elizabeth's? Someone elses? Naturally, you don't want to give too much away, but it's distracting.

Some of this could do with a polish, just word choices, really. Right at the start, you have a "Every time" and then "maybe it wasn't.. this time". You can name the baby on line one if you like as well - as soon as you mention formula and carseats we know it's a baby. (Maybe Miriam thinks Eleazar is a dumb name. Maybe she makes a comment about that being a battle she lost...). The other thing you need to be careful with, is there's a lot of deliberate repeats - Aaron being sick, is a little too often. Go the tired route more, perhaps.

Miriam recognized the convertible’s driver—it was red, a rich, whorish red— What, the driver is red? Plus, you just told us it was a convertible, so the repeat seems unnecessary - just driver if she's recognising her, or "it" or "car" or something else if she's recognising the car?

How does Elizabeth know to come home and confront Miriam? Coincidence? Or something else?

Elizabeth is described a lot, and the confrontation on the driveway clashes a little with "And Elisabeth was kinda gorgeous." That her parents LIKE Elizabeth, that Miriam can claim she'd "wormed her way" into their affections, would be a better angle to take?

Plus, you need to downplay the way you tell the reader that it's odd/crossing the line for Elizabeth to be "attracted" to Eleazar, it's too much. Ramp up the jealousy, and the fact that she "couldn't take it" that they three were a family, but Miriam ISN'T deluding herself that she is the mother (though you are at pains to make sure the reader thinks she is) - tread carefully on this particular tightrope!

Miriam didn't steal the keys to the cabin - she took them or she borrowed them?

I don't know about anyone else, but i don't know how to pronounce Laocidea. So everytime it comes up, there's a "durrh..." moment. If this is just my ignorance, fine(ish), but does it have to be that particular mouthful? And is the real name Lake Idea? There's an explanation missing somewhere... (Plus, Aaron's wife hasn't been to the family holiday home?)

That's a hell of a punch Elizabeth has. She should be heavyweight champion.

I think when you have Miriam contemplating NOT calling the police, you have a chance to mention there had been run-ins before. Be vague, but it then helps explain the level of conflict between the two.

Queen sized bed in a cabin, for a child? Surely the parents room?

As we need an awake Aaron for the ending, perhaps some comment on giving him the "last" of the medicine? Maybe after the soup?

Miriam's dad is pretty ineffectual. Seems they wouldn't have let Elizabeth in on the ride if she hadn't been awfully convincing that she'd be calm. So the second punch needs an extra motive, and there probably needs to be more shouting, Miriam winding her up. Plus, don't the parents see the damage the first punch did?

Aaron not remembering the priest sooner isn't really likely. What if he's collapsed from his medicine before she kills the priest? What if that was an accident, the trigger finger, the priest trying to remonstrate, or just brought to some protest when aaron collapses?

What happened to Miriam's handgun? And would Elizabeth really take a gun to this "domestic"? (Well, yes, because these two have history, but since we never find out quite what that is, except that Beth is more likely to hit first than talk about it over a nice cup of tea...). I think you could make this Miriam's gun. What if she dropped it in their initial driveway argument?

Ultimately, is this one manic crime too much? The incest? (Effectively rape, though I think we forgive the "no sex crimes" issue for not overplaying that!) The way it has been set up, these are childhood friends, who really only know each other from Laocidea. What if they were half-brother/sister? Would that explain that slight sense of detachment in the memory? (Still incest, of course, but ...) The suggestion that she is also a virgin is again tricky, (this is how a read the blood flecks, but you do provide other possible explanations, so ? And truly, do you need Miriam to be having her period? Is it not stronger to leave that entirely out?) we know she's older than Aaron, and we know you can't mention that earlier (because of baby) but you can mention that Aaron was always the only one for her, or something, that then is just an issue of timing... (Actually you might need to lose the "honest woman" comment in phone call to parents, as that is usually short hand for the legitimising of pre-marital sex!)

If you want a glimpse of extra darkness - when Miriam is in the washroom, if her wrists still bear the signs of attempted suicice (I'm thinking she's been institutionalised inthe past) and is thinking - never again - dark days in the past, now she had a reason to live for - then you get a better glimpse of what is between 7 day risk campaigns and blowing a priests neck away...

Strong stuff, hope some of this feedback helps.

Liam

Hi Ethan, very cool story. Right from the beginning it had that 'off' feeling to it, the bit about the breast milk, but the more I got into the story I started to see the 'off' was totally on purpose. Excellent job there! It was an enjoyable read. The only advice I could possibly off is that Elisabeth seemed to have only one gear and that was bitch-gear, so maybe soften her in spots to show a great range. Other than that, you have another wonderful story here. Great job. ~Sam