Joyride

It gets realy intense very quickly.

Overall good story.  I really liked the Preacher character.  I feel it could have used a bit more of him.  As for the ending, I feel it could have done without the 'ever again' section.  Leaving it off would leave it open to imagine what comes next.

Terrific piece of noir. I enjoyed this a lot. The writing and editing was good and the characters and events interesting. What more can you ask for? The only criticisim I would give is that in part 3 I assumed her going into the diner was directly after the joyride or at least a few minutes or more. But she asks how Preacher knew what happened and he said somebody walked up and told him. She even asks if it was the internet, leading me to believe time had passed quite a bit for word to get around that quick. I don't know, it was just a little unclear on that bit unless I missed something. Anyway, again good story, I really dug it.

This is a well written piece, with some great use of language, and interesting (and believable) characters.

I did have a few issues which obviously you can take with a pinch of salt.

One frustration I have is that the most interesting character is kept off the page until the end, and even then has very little to do. Preacher has real potential, and I love how he lives completely off the grid. I feel like the story would have been better had it been concentrated on the relationship between Preacher and Maxine.

The first section feels a little passive, despite a strongish start. It’s a little ‘tell’ over ‘show’, but there are some very good parts. Describing her role in the household immediately sets the scene very well. I’m not sure the No Crying Game adds much, but I can tell why you’ve put it in. I guess what I’d like to see here is more emphasis given to the tension between the locals and the cops. Up the conflict levels and let some of the other information drip through.

Maxine’s phone is very convenient. You do a good job at showing that she lives on the poverty level, with a mother who in her more lucid moments tried to make every penny count. I’m having a hard time buying that Maxine would have her own cell phone. Also does she call for Preacher at the end? If he’s off the grid how is that possible? I think it would have more impact if Ricky was clearly dying, and so Maxine’s impulse to steal the cash and the take a joyride would seem risk free.

These are all fairly minor points though. I like your writing style and your voice, and I think the story (like the character of Preacher) has potential.

I like this a lot, and as others have said Preacher is a really interesting character. The scene with him is fantastic, but the ending felt a little Deux Ex Machina (Preacher being God, in that sense). I almost wish it had just ended with him telling her not to worry, that he'd work it all out, and leaving her wondering if he would. A very good story.

Really great start here. I love your use of detail in building her world, especially in the way the undertow of the details are meant to keep her in her world and never letting her rise beyond it. Love the visual of Ricky's puffing jumpsuit as he gets shot. You use a great, unforced noir tone that feels natural, which I appreciate. Love that "Heisenberg Blue" is now total pop-culture. My one minor suggestion is to start with her arriving at Oates' bar, right up to the moment that Preacher walks in. Since we don't know his motives yet, I think this will start your story with the requisite tension, while breaking up the beginning a little since it's filled with a lot of back-story, albeit colorful and well-written. In any case, this is wonderfully written. A hell of a solid effort.

You have a way with words, my friend. The story was a ton-o-fun. Good, depressing fun.

Comments/suggestions:

I'm not going to say much here, because it was well-written all around. Awesome use of language, and great characters. If I was editing it, I'd have a lot of small comments, but I just have one particular edit I'd suggest:

- Your story ends at "You got a deal." Those four words hammer in the point of your story--tying it right back to the first sentence. Cut the last paragraph and you're golden; we don't need to know that stuff as it turns out.

Thanks for writing and sharing.

Nick,

I really, really, enjoyed this story. Really!

I agree with some of the others about ending a little earlier. I actually really like knowing that the dirty cops never came arround her house again. Like word got out that Preacher will make you dissapear if you mess with Maxine, but i think you can make it work as implied without saying it. Or you can write it in Preacher's dialouge. "They won't bother you anymore" or something. He'd know from experience and you've written him well enough for your audience to believe that.

I would like more of Preacher too. Maxine is a good character but Preacher is a great one. Dino's idea to start in the diner and go back is a good one.

I'm also unsure how she calls Preacher. IF you want to make it so she doesn't have a phone and doesn't buy one from Oats you could easily have her steal one from Ricky when she takes the rest of his loot. But I didn't think Preacher had a phone either. You do say no "smart phone" so maybe he does have a burner. Or maybe she called a third party who knew how to find him. And maybe that's the same person that told him about the accident(even if he didn't know she was invoved yet). Not sure if that all works.

Also, if Ricky is expected to live, then I have a hard time believing she'd steal from him, so make it clear what gave her the balls to do so, or make it look like he won't make it, or have her tell him she's doing him a favor. Taking his money, and car, to go stash it and his drugs, so that when the police show up he'll just be a victim and not have contraband to tie him to a crime. Even if that isn't really her goal, she could try to sell the lie to Ricky. Just a thought.

Other than those tiny issues, this piece displays alot of strong writing, a great voice, and well thought out characters. Great job.

--JR--

You have some well developed character's here. The ending seems a little ambiguous to me and almost implies that either preacher has some inexplicable sway over the police or that the only reason cops ever showed up was because Billy felt like harassing her. Sorry, I was just a little confused.