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Larry Darling Jr.'s picture

Jicama Jones and the Deadly Duct Tape Bandits

By Larry Darling Jr. in Arrest Us

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Description

An unexpected night on the town for a friendless freshman takes a shocking turn.
Their spirit names won't save them from the repercussions of their poorly thought out performance art for the youtube generation.

Comments

Elizabeth Howell's picture
Elizabeth Howell from Nashville, TN July 1, 2014 - 4:20pm

You rocked it, Larry! :)

William Randolph's picture
William Randolph July 3, 2014 - 4:41pm

I wanted to be and was mark till nearly the end I loved it, really like stories that start at the end... And build,my fav and first was sunset blvd,,u gota love mark, James dean rides again...

Casey Hicks's picture
Casey Hicks from Brooklyn, NY is reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman July 9, 2014 - 7:06pm

I thought this was an entertaining submission. I liked the reluctant point of view character. It made me feel as though he were an unreliable narrator.

Two things I'd work on if this were my piece. First of all, there's a ton of dialogue in this story. At times it feels more like a screenplay than a story. I'd like to get more of a sense of what's going on outside of the conversations and abrupt actions. Thoughts or body language would be great. Secondly, there are just a few typos that stood out to me, like the wrong "its" on the last page. Just a technical polish.

Overall, pretty amusing stuff!

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) July 14, 2014 - 1:13am

Fast-paced, engaging and fun. This is very easy to read, and written in a clear and concise way. I liked the characters, and your choice of a narrator was a good one. It reminded me of something, but I’m not sure what. I like that Parsnip gets sucked into the madness, and it’s done in quite a believable way. Mark/Jicama is a charismatic guy, and comes across well. The other two in the gang don’t make much of an impression at all though.

If I have a complaint here, it’s that the pace is a little too frenetic, so we don’t get to spend enough quality time with the characters. We only really know them on a superficial level. The ending comes a little abruptly, and I think you miss a trick by not extending this to at least another robbery. It would have been interesting to see them carry out one successfully, and have the next one go fatally wrong. If you had Parsnip filming direct to youtube, you could have fun with that angle too.

Thumbs up from me.

Seb's picture
Seb from Thanet, Kent, UK July 16, 2014 - 4:42am

There's a good concept here, and the execution mostly works. It kept my attention, and I love the performance art idea. There were a few plot holes, like the camera still in it's box. Usually you have to charge a new camera for around 8 hours before you can use it. There were also a few lines that didn't work for me, for example:

I nodded, convinced, and they all high-fived me and we laughed and bonded further.

They had just been very dismissive of the narrator, yet now they are bonding further? Also, the line is very tell and no show, and seems out of place with the rest of the story.

The ending moment was great, making it into a spoken statement. Overall a good story.

D. G. Castillo's picture
D. G. Castillo from California July 18, 2014 - 12:26am

An act of “poetic terrorism” commited by bored, suburbanite hoodlums. Despite the soft-gore at the end, I found the sense of detachment to be the most disturbing aspect of the story. Interesting and delightfully offbeat!

Cmangano's picture
Cmangano from Maine July 26, 2014 - 5:46pm

Nicely done. If you wanted to go further with it you could go into the character's personalities or backgrounds a little more, but I think it's complete as is. The knee jerk reaction to shoot without warning may be a little hasty, but not unbelievable. I can't really think of anything I would recommend.

Thelwin's picture
Thelwin July 30, 2014 - 10:05am

You named top shelf weed after a drag queen! I imagined the weed with Alaska's face superimposed over. Definitely added to my enjoyment! Your story reads like a John Waters film--necessary, heavy-handed and unpredictable social commentary. 

Miki Przyk's picture
Miki Przyk July 30, 2014 - 9:03pm

I loved the ending. The author's desire to fit in, even after the ring leader's death, was most disturbing to me. The longing to be accepted is a powerful feeling that can drive people to lengths they never imagined. I thought it was entertaining and exaggerated the often overlooked truthes of today. Fun read!