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Ashley Sevier's picture

Forgotten Pink

By Ashley Sevier in Arrest Us

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Description

Being a daughter of a deadbeat dad has sparked some vivid daydreams in my life. Maybe sharing this will make some divorced fathers think twice about not sending that monthly child support check.

Comments

David Gillette's picture
David Gillette from Tustin, CA is reading Transmetropolitan July 1, 2014 - 6:45pm

You started with a fierce degree of well turned phrases and descriptions, but the story petered out towards the end. Simply my perspective, but I didn't find either character relatable or likeable. I think it's important to be able to invest in the characters. That felt especially important with the plot being as bleak as it was. I'd consider thinking about each of your characters again and seeing if there is any redeeming qualities you can work into the story. Third-person omniscient could help with that. Please take with a grain of salt.

Bret Fowler's picture
Bret Fowler July 1, 2014 - 7:07pm

There's nothing like writing down a good revenge story, is there? And the more sick and sadistic the better, as far as I'm concerned. At the moment, though, it seems to me that you've got more of the bones of a story than the real thing. 

First off, you're writing in the first person, but I'm not feeling "Katie's" voice in the writing. There are some clever ideas in the prose, but sometimes they're clumsy, like "seemed busy counting the number of teeth in my mouth, including whether or not I possessed any wisdom teeth." There's nothing here that gives me a sense of her or of her journey from childhood to where she is today. 

Second, I felt like after the first paragraph that the rest of the story was just filling in the misery and sadism blanks. There doesn't have to be twists and turns in every story, but combined with my first point, it's murder on reader interest. 

No question, you go farther than most would with the subject matter. Boldness is certainly a virtue. Make me understand Samantha/Katie beyond JUST misery and revenge and it'll make all the sadism and vulgarity that much more effective. 

Aud Fontaine's picture
Aud Fontaine from the mountains is reading Catch-22. Since like, always. July 3, 2014 - 4:56pm

Ashley,

I decided to give you an upvote just because I feel there's so much potential in this story. I really really like the idea you have and feel for Katie/Samantha one hundred percent (I also had a shitty dad who never paid child support. Granted I never went through what she went through but it's still cathartic) so I really want you to find a way to make this story work! The main problem that I had was the dialogue. It seemed to mostly be used for exposition which feels really awkward in a story with two characters who have a shared past. Maybe you could break it up and have her remember bits and pieces of her childhood while she tortures him and sort of use her memories as a way to fuel her rage and sadism. As it is, she feels a little too controlled and awkwardly explain-y for someone who's probably been waiting her whole life for this ultimately sublime moment of venting. If I were her I'd just want to get in there and get my hands dirty but that might just be me. The other part that felt off was the ending. It'd be nice to have more closure because as it is I honestly have no idea if the dad's dead or not. That might be my fault as the reader but the way you phrased it (that nothing she injected would have a lasting effect) makes it sound like he survived but then that doesn't really make sense for the rest of the story. What was the point of it all? Just to yell at him and tase him a bit? It's really a bit of a letdown considering how intense and badass this could've been. You might also want to look out for using the same word multiple times in quick sucecession (for instance mouth and brother). It's a little jarring. I honestly believe that this story can be really powerful and if you just give it a once over, flesh it out a bit, smooth over the awkward parts, it'll work really well. I love a good story about a woman kicking ass. Best of luck!

Aud.

Ashley Sevier's picture
Ashley Sevier from Charleston, South Carolina is reading Anna Karenina July 8, 2014 - 10:25am

Thank you everyone for your comments. Most everything you have said will be incorporated when I make my changes. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) July 13, 2014 - 2:26am

I liked this one. That’s not to say that I don’t agree with the comments from other readers, but this worked for me. I like a good revenge tale, and it’s not too dissimilar from the story I did for the first Battle last year.

Certainly I think it could do with a little more development. Samantha isn’t quite there yet. Her motivations are a little too fuzzy, and just need to be sharpened up. She’s not carrying out the revenge for her per se, that I get, but why is she doing it? Does Ryan know she’s going to get revenge for them, or is she just so upset over his loss that she’s doing this off her own back? I want to know more about her. She’s rich – how did she manage that? What does she do? How did her life go after her mother sold her to the Persian? For some reason I’m picturing her as a high class escort.

Introducing more connective tissue with their shared path is certainly a valid path to take, and further revelations would strengthen the tale. For me though, the area most in need of development is the ending. It does end abruptly, and with a bit of a whimper. The AIDS angle is good, but I think you could play off that a little more, have fun with the threat before she finally plunges it into Jack. There are also two more children to play around with. We only hear about Samantha and Ryan, and using the other two kids could lead to further nasty revelations.

I think you need to speed up the very start a little, and the way to do it would be to get rid of the fluff around the kissing. We don’t need to know what a terrible kisser Jack is, and the line in particular that leaped out at me was, “When his tongue grazed my uvula, my gag reflex jerked, but it was easy to ignore.” How long is the guy’s tongue? Keep it short, sharp and dirty.

As it is, it’s a solid thumbs up from me. It will shine a little better after some polish and TLC, but I certainly enjoyed it as it is.

Seb's picture
Seb from Thanet, Kent, UK July 15, 2014 - 3:35am

There's so much potential here, but I had two main issues. Firstly, there's no such thing as a British accent, and if she's as smart and as good as you've made out she would know that. This simple slip ruined her character completely for me. Change it to English, or London, at least, as I expect that's what you meant. Secondly, why not go through with it? She did all the other stuff, kissed her (adopted) father, so why not inject him with blood? That would have made the story more definitive, in my opinion. Anyway, those are my thoughts. The story is good, just let down slightly. Best of luck.