Everything Disappears

Hey Chacron,

I had a hard time with this one. The piece is written fine technically, but the way it was presented— with first and second POV— was awkward for me. Maybe others will feel different about that.

Maybe the "letter" structure isn't the best way to deliver the story. Him explaining who he is to the couple didn't make sense. Why would he do that? We find out toward the end, but that made everything before it seem misleading. Again, others may feel different.

As far as the plot goes, I feel that there needs to be more tension toward the beginning. I was one third of the way through the story before I started to understand why this was happening. Then when the reveal comes, the stakes, to me, felt pretty low. I was expecting something really sinister to warrant someone losing everything they have, especially if they're billionaires. I wanted to like the story more than I did, but I think you can pull it off. 

I'm saving the up or down rating for now. It's not a thumbs up for me yet, but it isn't a thumbs down either.

I know this review sounds a bit harsh, but in no way am I trying to discourage you. I'd wait to hear back from a few others before digging back into it.

Hope this helps.

Devon

 

Hi Chacron,

Having had a go at doing a story with the "letter" structure I know how tricky this can be and I think you've done a good job here. I think there a few things that could help you here, if I'm barking up the wrong tree or have the wrong end of the stick please igonre :)

I think there are a few sections here that could be taken out or shortend to keep the reader focused on the theme of the story, for instance :

"Take a good look at the USA: they still have plenty of ways to make killing each other with guns legal, and to sue each other for millions over the most spurious of allegations, but even they are a nation where people mostly adhere to laws against each other. Although actually, they do in some ways, but think of it like this: a politician who ends up in the press after someone snaps him buying time with a prostitute can usually recover his reputation. Could a politician who got caught buying a child’s future do the same, do you think?
Look at us in the Great land of Britain too. Not so different, are we? Except for all that’s wrong with our society, we still only put monetary value on a person’s life and future in an indirect way. Not that I’m condoning that at all – in fact, there was a time when if someone said ‘Tell me a joke’ I would say ‘The West,’ but I don’t want to sound like an extremist or a terrorist. (Besides, The East are getting worse for that by the day as well.) I want to sound to like the person who wasn’t flattered at the idea of being worth a hundred grand."

this section is not really moving the story forward, it's a sidestep.

"Let’s get back to me on my beanbag, doing my little exercise in teaching myself German. (You must have liked that after all, given your ancestry. There was I thinking I’d put you off by reading a book written by a Marxist. The Caucasian Chalk Circle ends with a tug of war, in which two woman hold a child’s hands and use her as the rope. The one who wins the right to be the child’s mother is the one who lets go and refuses to pull. Did you know that?) That moment must have been glorious - you knew you’d found your fresh apple at last."

this bit as well made me a bit confused as before he mentions that he speaks japanese, Might be work cutting back on the reading matrial descriptions?

The start of this story really did bring me into the story, I liked the main character and the set up. I would have liked more time with the brother and the other children.

The other thing that intrested me was the mention of the history of the family and you mention-"began with the Nazis paying him for the locations of his absconded Jewish friends. I wondered where your family’s money first started, Eric and Tessa Rosenberg. Who might your ancestors have sent to a gas chamber?"

I'd like more info on this, maybe they did have a connection to the Nazis, funding Oswad Mosley or somthing like that? Dig up more dirt on them.

As I mentioned at the start, writing a story in the shape of a letter is not and easy task, and I think you've done a good job here, just think possibly of trimming it a little. 

I've not inculded a line by line as I could'nt see any issues. 

It's a thumbs up from me mate, 

Dave

Chacron,

I'd first like to say that I really liked the whole idea of your story. I loved the idea of some guy stalking these people and plotting against them for years just for the satisfaction of finally sticking it to them. I really loved it. Truly. That said though, I have to admit that I was kind of disappointed in his reasoning. I can understand how warped what they did was but I don't think it warranted Scratch's intense reaction that I'm assuming boiled for years and years. Maybe if you added some more details like perhaps Scratch is somewhat unhinged or change the Rosenbergs' crime to something a little more drastic. I just feel like this story would have a lot more impact if the revenge felt more earned. I felt a little like he was overreacting when I really wanted to be behind him one hundred percent and relish his sweet revenge along with him. 

Honestly, I think if you just tweaked a few things here and there you would have a really cathartic, really fantastic story. Even as it is it was quite enjoyable, even if a little bit disappointing. Thanks for the fun read.

Aud.

Kudos to you for tackling something a little different. Writing a whole story in the format of a letter is not at all easy, and there are many pitfalls you can make doing so. I actually think you have deftly avoided most of the pitfalls. The thing I love most about this, is the way you drip feed little details in at just the right time to take the story forward. There are levels to this one that I just think are superb. As soon as I thought I was getting a handle on what was going on, there was another morsel of information dropped in that made me rethink.

There is good use of tension here as well, and that is one of the major pitfalls of writing in this way. Given the story is a confessional of a sort, talking about (recent and not so recent) past events, it’s hard to build any tension. You build wonderfully well throughout the story though, leading us to the climax.

Unfortunately the climax is underwhelming. I kept waiting for some hideous crime to be revealed, some heinous act performed against Scratch. I wanted something that would really get me hating the Rosenbergs. I was all ready to hiss and boo. They tried to buy an orphan, rather than go down the official route. It’s not even clear why they did that, as there seems no reason they couldn’t have just gone down the official route and saved themselves the money. It would have had more impact had Wolfgang been tormented in some way by them, and it shows us how close Scratch was to a terrible existence.

As it is, his stalking of them, and robbing them blind, feels like overkill. His letter hints at a kind of mutually assured destruction were they to involve the police, but some remarks about buying stolen art, and trying to buy a poor orphan boy doesn’t really amount to much threat. I’m not sure I’d buy that there would be uproar in public opinion from it either. Stories can be spun just as will (if not better) in public opinion than they can in a courtroom. Scratch’s threat is lacking in claws. The biggest threat is one that appears to be groundless, in that he casts doubt onto how the Rosenbergs got their money. This would have an impact certainly, though not a huge one. If he had solid evidence that would be one thing, but vaguely threatening to make it up isn’t really strong enough.

Give them real skeletons in the cupboard. Make Scratch’s job harder than just having once recorded a conversation. I want these people to be utterly despicable. You don’t necessarily have to go the whole hog and make them Fred and Rose West, but certainly give them nefarious crimes that he’s discovered. His vendetta against them is weak as it stands. My suggestion would be for him to remember the name and then when he accidentally discovers something big, he decides to get a little payback for them thinking he could be bought like a slave.

This is still very much a thumbs up from me. I’m a sucker for people trying something a bit different, and I do think you do it very well. 90% of this works pretty darned well, and getting that percentage up will be a doddle for you I’d say. I’ve attached an LBL with comments I made while I was going along, so you’ll have an idea of what I was thinking while I was reading. Hope it helps. Best of luck with this one.

Tommy,

I enjoyed this. I've read all the other comments and Adam pretty much said everything I was thinking when he got to his follow up comment.

For me, I think the reason the Rosenbergs were offering money for Scratch was so that K would consider splitting up the twins. He wouldn't let one go without the other so they thought for the right amount he may. And that's what really pisses Scratch off. Not that they wanted to buy him, but they were willing to pay so much for him, so that they didn't have to take his brother too.

Even still it's not enough motive for pure revenge, which is why when I read it I totally felt the angle you mentioned you were attacking. It's more of a testament to Scratch's character than the Rosenburgs.

Making them more henious and him uncovering that would be an excellent route to take. Justify his revenge.

But also reaproaching your original plan could be really great as well. I'm not sure the letter format suits that route. See I'd need to see more of what he's done. I'd need scenes of his OCD/psychopathic behavior as it grows. See he's this devious little kid who aspires to be a master deviever and theif. So you could totally make the Rosenbergs the complete opposite. Maybe they didn't do anything but be rich and show interest in him. And he remembered them, so as he grew into this mastermind he always remembered that they were going to be his first big get. Ofcourse if he can't blackmail them he'd have to find a better way to steal from them. But as Adam mentioned, if he does blackmail them, he needs better evidence of worse crimes. Even with the recording, if you have Billions you can make stuff like that go away pretty easily. I;d love to see Scratch in action. Using his status as a world renound interpreter to really get into places full of riches so he can case the places and do his magic. I'd like to see him talk other languages. So yeah, if you really want us to get the best of Scratch you may have to Scratch the letter format. But it is a well written letter. So if you can keep it, up the steaks a bit more, or as mentioned above how about a video or tape recording of his own.

Another thing about the letter format were the breaks. THere aren't breaks in letters so when the first one happened I imagined you switched out. Which could be an option. Keep the letter continuous or you could have a series of letters. You could show their reaction to them, or what he's doing when he isn't writing. Or you can just have him send letter after letter. Date them, he gets more anxious as he doesn't get a response. So you can insert that he knows where they've been and what they've been doing. You can make him really irritated, and have the letters get angrier. All just options.

Okay, so I've attacked it enough.
What I really liked was the character of Scratch. His intelligence, likability, his jobs, the way he writes the letter. All great. I loved the twin brother. Would love to know more about him. Would love to know more about why he loved the institution so much as well. I really like the whole revenge aspect of it. That's the same type of stuff that makes television shows such as Revenge, and House of Cards so compelling. But I also like the conman/art theif nature of it as well, and think the story could work just as well without a revenge theme. It could really go either way.

But yeah, overall, really good job on a difficult format. Hope I haven't confused you more than help you but there are definitley several ways this one could be improved and I can't really decide that for you, I just hope I've provided you with enough to help you decide. Thumbs up for me on this one. Can't wait to see where you go with it.

--JR--

Chacron,

I have to admit that unfortunately the story didn't really click with me. LIke others have said, the idea itself has some merit, and I grew to like Scratch himself, but the execution left me flat.

The main reason for this is that I didn't feel like having the story be told via a letter really did much. Like someone else already pointed out, I thought it hurt it more, because the story immediately becomes more passive. There's really no tension or anything that really makes me want to see how this will end-the worse that can happen to Scratch is that his letter gets torn.

It also really didn't feel like a letter that anyone would write. There's too many parts where I felt like it was obvious this was a writer telling a story, rather than a character sitting down and writing a letter.  Bit like the opening line:

Welcome home from your holiday in Monaco. I hope you had a good time, because I certainly did. That’s why your entire mansion in deepest rural Berkshire is now completely empty.

Why would Scratch feel the need to mention where the mansion is (you also mention deep berkshire a few paragraphs below)? This feels like it's more for the audience sake than anyone elses.

Same with:

I’ve really enjoyed your money over the last decade. Or rather, officially, I’ve enjoyed a number of Japanese businessmen paying me handsomely for my services. I am the finest western translator currently living in Japan; my clients and I are never short of enough funds to eat at Sukiyabashi Jiro while we discuss all kinds of business. The banks never question my bonuses, because they eat the finest in sushi with me too, and it does help that I pay taxes the legal and honest way. Everything declared. Transparent.

I know the argument can be made that Scratch is simply bragging and wants to rub it in their faces how successful he is, but at some point the story started to drag with all these type of details. Especially because there's very little dialogue, the story is simply a lot of telling.

Like I said, I like the idea of the story, but I'm not sure a letter is the way to tackle it. In order for me to buy the story, I have to buy the bond between Dylan and Scratch, and the letter structure doesnt really let me do that.

Regarding whether the punishment meets the crime, I idn't have any issues with it, though it does seem like Scratch builds it up to be something darker and worse than it really is. I would pull back a bit on those moments and mentions about the police, and just do the reveal at the end.

I hope some of this helps. Take whatever you find useful and disregard the rest.

Chacron,

First of all, kudos for really going ambitious on this one. Second person isn't easy, especially in the epistolary form, so really--kudos. I actually really loved this story. It maybe took me a page or two to really get hypnotized by the prose and lose myself in the second person narrative, but once I did, I was enjoying it thoroughly. 

That said, I think there are maybe a few areas where the story itself could use some work. Because you've got the form down (which is the trickiest part), but there are maybe a few flaws with the bones behind it. 

I've read others above who said they felt the narrator's motivations didn't connect with them enough. I'd have to agree. I kept waiting for something a little more sinister to transpire rather than the couple trying to buy the narrator and not his brother. I feel like this might be an important element in a theme you're exploring, so I don't want to suggest changing it if you feel it's pivotal. Instead, consider the possibilities beyond that action. What aftermath could that action have caused? You mention the narrator's brother teaches and is now a semi-Olympian? I feel like that's an opportunity for you to change things up and give us more insight into why the narrator's doing this. Instead of making him somewhat successful, what if overhearing the couple discussing how little they wanted him lead the kid down this dark path of self-destruction and self-hatred? This in turn can become the key motivation for your narrator's revenge. The couple destroyed his brother's life rather than essentially just hurting his feelings. That was really the main thing that took me out of the story--wondering why this guys spent his whole life trying to screw over these two people. I think it's an easy tweak to make, and it'll really make us care for the narrator more and put us in his corner. 

I also feel like you could cut this story down a good bit without losing too much of what's there. My hunch is you could cut about 25% to even 40% of it and have a much tighter, smoother story. I'd just go through sentence-by-sentence and ask yourself whether what you have is something the story really 100% needs. Sometimes the time you've spent on the nuanced detail of the narrator's dealing and whatnot muddy the story. A few times I was a little confused by the complicated way he makes money or the vast geographical hopping the family has done. It's a lot to take in throughout one story and I'd caution you to be careful you're not letting unimportant details bog down the revenge tale at the story's heart.

Beyond that, like I said, I loved it. I personally thought you pulled off something that's very difficult to do (I've been trying to write an epistolary story for two years now and keep failing), so bravo. Great job and good luck!

-Dan

 

Hey, well done with this one.

The letter motif. Ah yes, a good way to be use 1st and (sort of) 2nd person all at the same time. It's a litte more freeing that pure 2nd person, which prescribes what the "you" is doing. I have zero problems with telling the story from this perspective, and here it worked for me. It really lends to the hopelessness of the recipient's situation, since everything's already happened; there's nothing they can do about it except fall to their knees and read about what's been done to them.

Suggestions/Comments:

- I'd go through and check for instances where you're clearly telling the reader something instead of the narrator telling victims something. "My name is Jack Murphy, but everyone calls me Scratch."

- Somebody has to be well-read/educated/pop-culture aware to understand all the references your narrator uses. Nothing a Google search on my part didn't resolve for the ones I didn't immediately get. You know your your writing style and your audience. :)

- I guess people still write letters, and it is *probably* the best way to send a notice like this and not be tracked. I sorta picture this thing all hand-written, old-school-like. Still, I wonder what other ways this sort of thing might've been done. A person as psychopathic as our narrator...would he deliver this all in person...or at least where he could see the faces of his victims? Just typing out loud here.

I enjoyed the story. I certainly didn't know what I was getting into when I started! Thanks for sharing this.