To read this story or to participate in this writing event, you only need a free account.
You can Login with Facebook or create regular account
To find out what this event is about click here

Stompycannon's picture

Bustered

By Stompycannon in Arrest Us

How It Rates

Voting for this event has ended
Once you have read this story, please make sure you rate it by clicking the thumbs above. Then take a few minutes to give the author a helpful critique! We're all here for fun but let's try to help each other too.

Description

A hastily, yet lovingly crafted short story about a pet loving vigilante on a mission.

Comments

Pamela Kruise Tuck's picture
Pamela Kruise Tuck July 2, 2014 - 6:27am

Loved it! I do enjoy quirky.

Courtney Tuck's picture
Courtney Tuck July 2, 2014 - 6:41am

Loved it! Amber and Jeffrey are a kick ass duo. 

Ray C's picture
Ray C July 4, 2014 - 12:30am

Funny littly story, with a teenage-sounding narrator. The opening remark definitely set the tone for the rest of the story too. Solid work.

Erik Carl Son's picture
Erik Carl Son from New England is reading Sunset and Sawdust by Joe Lansdale July 7, 2014 - 5:13am

Up-voted.
I dig Amber's voice. She starts strong enough to grab the reader's attention and hold it firm. A few times she seems to ramble a bit, but I get the feeling that she's not a quiet person.

I sorta wish I thought of 'pet theives'. I'm sure there has to be money in it, as a profession. People sure do love their pets.

Cheers!

Aud Fontaine's picture
Aud Fontaine from the mountains is reading Catch-22. Since like, always. July 15, 2014 - 8:58pm

Stompy,

This was a really fun story, I love your voice. It's adorable. I also really loved the concept and how your characters felt like fully formed people. It would've been nice to have more on Jeffrey though. As it is, I'm not even entirely sure why he's in on the operation. Is it just because he and Lucille are so close that they do everything together or is he just kind of back up? Just a few sentences to explain their relationship and the reason behind the partnership would be nice. You also might want to give it a second pass just to rework some of the more awkward sentences. There aren't many but it could still use some refining. It also might work better to mention the meatball killer earlier in the story so that when Lucille finds them in the freezer the reader can have an a-ha moment with her and you don't need to have all that exposition there. It slows down what should be the fastes part of your story. Overall though I greatly enjoyed this. It was some cute good times. Kudos.

Aud.

Stompycannon's picture
Stompycannon from Erie, Colorado is reading The Kingkiller Chronicles July 16, 2014 - 9:00am

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and suggest! Upon reading your comment I couldn't agree more. I could tell some things were missing, but couldn't tell what. This is a really helpful comment. Thanks again.

Seb's picture
Seb from Thanet, Kent, UK July 19, 2014 - 10:52am

Interesting story, and some really nice touches. There's several random capital letters and the odd grammar slip, but a quick proof read would fix all that. The main problem with the story is the characters - they all seem very one dimensional (gay best friend, etc.), and although your narrator was more developed she still felt two dimensional. In my opinion you need to round out the characters and give them more nuance, more depth. You've got a great story concept, you just need to populate it with real people. Best of luck.

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) July 21, 2014 - 11:51pm

I liked this one, and had a smile on my face the whole time I was reading it. Mostly that was because Amber has such a great voice, which just keeps the story flowing.  My only quibble with the voice is the overuse of brackets. I really didn’t think they were necessary.

The relationship between Amber and Jeffrey is a little undercooked. You don’t need a whole heap in there, just a few sentences here and there to give more depth to them. To continue echoing Aud, foreshadowing the meatball deaths earlier in the piece would help, though it needs to be done subtly so that it doesn’t give the whole ending away.

I honestly don’t have an awful lot to suggest to make improvements. I think you’ve nailed the story you meant to tell, and it’s a solid thumbs up from me.

Cmangano's picture
Cmangano from Maine July 24, 2014 - 2:04pm

Nicely done. I though it was funny and had a great, consistent voice. I personally don't know if the " you guessed it" portions worked well for me. I wouldn't have guessed that she had no friends or that her binoculars had cameras, however it seems like a quirk that further defines Amber's character. It's very convenient that she finds the meatballs at the second she must find an out, but I enjoyed the story so much that I really didn't care. Maybe write a little more about Amber's disbelief at finding them. It now reads like, "Score, she's got poison right here!"Other than that great job with this story. Good luck.

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday July 25, 2014 - 7:59am

This was a damn fun read.  Amber had a great voice and there were a ton of genuinely funny moments throughout.  My only issue, and it's small one at that, is the 'this is where the plot thickens' line.  Well done and thanks for sharing.