To read this story or to participate in this writing event, you only need a free account.
You can Login with Facebook or create regular account
To find out what this event is about click here

Hector D. Junior's picture

Accounts Payable

By Hector D. Junior in Arrest Us

How It Rates

Voting for this event has ended
Once you have read this story, please make sure you rate it by clicking the thumbs above. Then take a few minutes to give the author a helpful critique! We're all here for fun but let's try to help each other too.

Description

Comments

Hector D. Junior's picture
Hector D. Junior June 30, 2014 - 2:37pm

Peering in on your neighbor can have consequences, especially in suburbia where lives easily mirror one another. 

Zack McCormack's picture
Zack McCormack from Indianapolis, IN is reading Empire of the Sun July 11, 2014 - 12:19pm

Hey Hector, 

I do really like the flow of the story you have going here and I feel, as a whole, you've found a unique way to express the plot which is why I gave it a thumbs up. That said, there were some points that, if given more time, I would have tried developing more.

As previously stated, the conversation with the protagonist and then presumably the new person moving into Samantha's house is something I liked. However, I feel that maybe some more information could be given to help establish exactly why the neighbor is talking to the narrator and not the "banshees at the salon". I guess what I'm saying is having more background information could help justify the need for this conversation in the first place. 

In addition, I'm not totally sure of what to make of the ending. Perhaps I just missed something but did the narrator kill Sammantha and the others or are we supposed to draw our own conclusions? I didn't pick up on a definitive answer. If you were going for something explicit in terms of who committed the crime then maybe consider looking into doing some re-wording there. 

Overall though I did enjoy the read. Not to shamelessly plug my submission but I'm going to shamelessly plug my submission. I'm a beginning writer and I would appreciate any feedback you could give me regarding my short "A Chirstmas Story".

(http://litreactor.com/events/arrest-us/a-christmas-story)

Thanks so much!

Zack

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) July 14, 2014 - 8:36am

I think what you are going for here is a circular story. Samantha poisons her husband and his parents because she suspects him of cheating. The narrator begins to suspect her husband of the same thing, and his parents are coming over, and she’s going to poison him. The narrator is talking to someone else about the whole thing… and so on, and so forth.

Putting aside the fact that this is well under the word count for the contest, I think you could develop this with more success. At present it lacks clarity, though I do like that you style it as the narrator gossiping about her neighbour. There are a lot of unanswered questions. Did Christian have a mistress? Is the narrator’s husband cheating? Why are these crazy women poisoning everything that moves?

Picking curtain-twitchers to base a story on is a good idea, but it needs something more. You need to develop this neighbourhood, and really let us feel the tension behind the net curtains.

Best of luck with it.

Nic Martin_2's picture
Nic Martin_2 July 14, 2014 - 12:20pm



I liked the circular story premise, but I think that it should have run for another loop or so.  As they other's have commented a little why behind the housewives' paranoia might have been good.

Seb's picture
Seb from Thanet, Kent, UK July 16, 2014 - 8:28am

I like this, it's an interesting premise and the second person style is intriguing, slowly revealing the identity of the reader creating a layer of mystery to the piece. My only thought is it could (and should) be longer. Nice one.