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Geert Mostrey's picture

A Shrouded Truth

By Geert Mostrey in Arrest Us

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Description

The story of Milagros Lima waking up to something like she has never experienced before in her life... or death.

A thriller-like story in a mixture of dark tragedy and humor.

Comments

Maria Jose's picture
Maria Jose June 4, 2014 - 9:53pm

Great story. Thanks for sharing. Nicely crafted. I love the narrator's perspective. And the many twists and surprises.

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 4, 2014 - 9:56pm

Thanks Maria Jose

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 4, 2014 - 11:55pm

:-)

Jen Kay Thornton's picture
Jen Kay Thornton from Dublin June 5, 2014 - 2:12am

Thanks Geert - I thought you really captured the woman's voice.

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 5, 2014 - 6:00am

Thanks Jen !

Joe P's picture
Joe P from Brainerd, MN is reading Pet Sematary June 5, 2014 - 9:50am

Geert,

I liked the plot and play-out of your story. The characters were interesting in how they opposed each other. I thought the prose was a little clunky at times, but nothing that can't be smoothed over. The twist ending was a nice turn on expectations.

My major concern is in keeping with the submission guidelines for the contect. Specifically, No Serial Killers and No Sex Crimes. Not sure if there's a way you can fix this without changing the whole story. It's a good story, but I'd consider submitting something differnt in order to abide by the contest rules.

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 5, 2014 - 10:13am

Hi Joe,

Thanks for your feedback.

I wondered about the serial killer issue but submitted anyway, because in reality the story isn't about his killings. It's about the murder of his wife and how this leads to him being uncovered as a serial killer. So probably it's debatable.

I'll look if I can ask in a forum or something here.

TheKyleBTM's picture
TheKyleBTM June 5, 2014 - 4:06pm



I thought it was great, a chilling confession spoken as if he were bragging and enjoyed his actions, coupled with the shock and anger of his wife as he continues. played well together, I laughed at a few of Hectors bad jokes and felt Milagros' hatred of him at the same time.

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 5, 2014 - 11:14pm

Thanks a lot :-)

Grant Williams's picture
Grant Williams from Wichita, KS is reading Friday June 9, 2014 - 5:53am

Nice submission.  I like the perspective and the voice.  I think you captured the feeling of her being trapped well and it served the story well.  The middle finger in the middle of her ascension didn't really do it for me, but it's a minor point.  Good luck. 

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 9, 2014 - 9:17am

Hey GRant,

Thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated.

Adam Jenkins's picture
Adam Jenkins from Bracknell, England is reading RCX Magazine (Issue 1 coming soon) June 11, 2014 - 3:49am

You’ve picked an interesting way to tell this tale. It doesn’t always work for me, but it is good to read something a little different. Remember that all my comments are purely subjective.

Personally I’m not bothered about whether or not this strictly falls outside the criteria of the contest. I saw that this had been covered on the community forum already. You can at least use any comments to help develop your piece, and that’s really the main objective of the contest.

While I really liked the idea of the confessional, I’m not sure it’s best to do it from Milagros’ perspective. Her reactions to the revelations detract from the tension, because ultimately there is nothing she can do except to express shock at every turn. Is the fact that she is dead meant to be a reveal? If I hadn’t have suspected immediately due to the reference of the sheet covering her, the fact that she could see but couldn’t move any part of her body would have given the game away. If you aren’t going for the reveal, most of the opening can be cut. If you are going for the reveal, at least take the sheet line out.

Also, fifteen floors and she barely has a bruise? After a fall of that distance, would there be enough of her to identify, let alone a rear end to inspect for bruising?

One issue with this kind of confessional is that it does make it difficult to create enough tension. What you have here is a man confessing his crimes to a corpse. It’s a neat and imaginative idea, but I’m not sure how you’d wring any tension from the situation unless you had more of a slow reveal, with enough hints dropped that the police are watching. As it is the ending is tacked on. It’s hard to buy the fact that hospital security is so good it records sound, and that the security just happened to be listening in at that time, on that exact location. It is a conclusion based on convenience rather than logic.

There is something in this concept that I really like, and on subsequent read-throughs I can’t stop thinking about how I would have gone with it. I think I’d have had Hector conjure his wife’s ghost, a product of his own imagination, but have it interact with him. This would allow for greater drama, as he makes revelation after revelation. I’m not sure how you could hint at him being monitored, but whether you need to or not depends on whether you are fixed on him having to be caught. You could just as easily have him walk away with no consequences.

As I said above, all this is completely subjective. This has more imagination and creativity than I’ve seen in a lot of the stories, and there is obvious craft behind it. I’m assuming you are writing in a second language as well, given you are from Belgium. If that’s the case, I am impressed. I don’t think you are a million miles away from getting a very strong story here. A couple more edits or so, and I think you’ll nail this one!

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 11, 2014 - 5:53am

Hi Adam,

Thanks for your comments and the time you took. Very much appreciated. You raise some interesting points. With regard to POV there are actually only 2 possibilities. Either it's Milagros' POV or it is Hector's POV. I thought about writing it from his point of view, but for me it takes too much tension away from the story. Also it makes the plot a hell of a lot more dificult since I wanted to find a way to have him get caught in the end.

Wether the reader figures out or not from the beginning that Milagros is dead has relatively little relevance. It is not so much the fact that she is dead that is a reveal, as the fact that she has been murdered by her husband and the reason why he killed her. 

I fully agree that having her drop 15 stories with hardly any bruises exept for her smashed behind is pulling it a bit :-).

I thought a lot about wether or not it was necessary for him to be caught at the end, but followed the inputs of friends who read the story and all wanted some kind of closure with him being uncovered.

I'll think how I can use your input to further improve the story.

Again thanks a lot for your inputs and yes you're right : english isn't my first language :-)

babs's picture
babs June 11, 2014 - 5:47am

I like the story from the perspective of the unsuspecting wife - sometimes we hear of the wives of serial killers having no idea they were married to a monster, or, it can be the wives who deep down knew something wasn't right, and can't live with that knowledge any more and come forward. So, for me this is about "how could a wife possibly not know?" Milagros confesses to not having much of an imagination, which may excuse her dutiful passivity all those years - but at the end (of the end) she finds her mettle.  

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 11, 2014 - 5:54am

Hi Babs,

Thanks a lot for your feedback. Greatly apreciated !

Vijay S Rao's picture
Vijay S Rao June 11, 2014 - 5:48am

Great job, really loved the story, utterly imaginative and superbly told. Sure, a few edits required, but that's a very minor point. Very nicely done!

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 11, 2014 - 5:56am

Hi Vijay. As already pointed out by Adam as well, I will give the story a few more rounds of editing taking all the feedback I am getting here into account.

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read and comment.

philippe boetti's picture
philippe boetti June 11, 2014 - 12:33pm

Highly impressed thanks for sharing!

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 11, 2014 - 9:22pm

Thanks Philippe !

Dan J. Fiore's picture
Dan J. Fiore from Pittsburgh is reading too many things at once June 12, 2014 - 5:29pm

Hey Geert,

Good stuff. A thumb's up from me. An interesting twist on the confessional story. I'm not sure if the story itself fits within the parameters of the contest, but that's not for me to decide. So I'll just offer you my thoughts on the story sans context of the contest. Hope that's okay. 

Let me start with what I feel could use work:

The main issue I see with this story is that you have a completely passive narrator. Which isn't always a problem, but it can cause the story itself to feel a bit stagnant. Sure, she's trying to do a lot of things throughout the story, but her attempts never affect the plot. So the story boils down to us hearing her husband confess, which is an element of the story I love but I feel like you could add much more to the narrative. 

The second possible problem I see with the story is the ending. As it is, the resolution of the story is a dues ex machina. It comes out of nowhere without foreshadowing or action on the part of any of the characters. 

What I'd challenge you to do is to solve both of these problems in one stroke. How can the narrator affect the story so that the ending is a direct result of her actions?

You're already blending genres in a way since she's there to listen. Why not ramp up the supernatural elements and have her slowly realize that though she can't move or be heard, she can manipulate small objects throughout the room. Maybe she manages to move a speck of dust floating in the air at first. Then the curtains, just a little. She starts moving more and more things as her husband is confessing all of these horrendous things until she's finally able to push in the button on the intercom behind her, letting the desk out in the hall hear everything he says. 

That's obviously just one of a million routes you can go down, but I hope you see where I'm going and why I'm suggesting more action on the narrator's part.

That all said, I do love the playfulness of the story. I like how devious and sinister the husband is. I love how much he loves telling his wife all of these misdeeds, thinking she can't hear him anymore. 

I think if you just inject a little more action throughout (not necessarily big, explosive action, but just more active participation and concrete affect on the narrator's part in what's happening) I think you'll have a really compelling and interesting story front-to-back. 

Cheers, and good luck. Thanks for sharing a cool read!

 

 

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 12, 2014 - 10:33pm

Hi Dan,

Thanks a lot for the time you took to read and comment. Your input is very valuable and definitely worth thinking about.

This story as you rightly suggest struggles with Milagros just being confined to be shocked, angry,... but not being able to do anything else. And the ending is a bit of a deus ex machina, admittedly added afer various friends read the original story and struggled with the fact that Hector walked free.

Your suggestion is actually a very good lead. I'll think about it and probably up the ante a bit.

And finally, with regard if the story fits the contest limitations or not. I'm not too worried about that. Firstly because it's debatable. At the core of the story is the murder of his wife. And secondly for me it's not about the contest. It's about receiving feedback from others.

Cheers and thanks again.

madsmaddox's picture
madsmaddox from Berkshire is reading Fated June 13, 2014 - 5:50am

Geert,

good story and thumbs up! I did enjoy reading it. It's been pointed out that this tale doesn't fit the parameters but you already know this, I do think there is a way around this but it would require a minor rewrite. I'll touch on this later.

 

"A one way ticket for both of us to paradise. Yours otherworldly, mine right here" - I really like this. Cold, calculating and perfect dark comedy.

Your style is very easy going on the eyes and the pacing is good which makes it a pleasant read. Sometimes a few sentences seem a little overwritten due to reiterating points to reflect the drama of the situation, this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I don't think its always necessary. It's nothing to worry about really.  

 

 

SPOILER WARNING!!!!

 

 

I’ll take you through my POV of your story:


The story starts with her being bed ridden and unable to move - this is chilling, she cant move, what's happened to her? She ponders this herself and tries to remember etc. Good stuff! We've established the scene and we're into her mindset and this is working very well. I want to read more.


Enter her husband, Hector - he's acting weirder than usual. Cool, something is amiss here.


Hector monologues and explains all his sins - Hol$hit she married a nutjob! How is she going to get out of this one? - this for me works very well for suspense. Very good!


He continues monologuing - at this point, I thought that if the story had been changed to a first person POV instead of a third person, you could probably increase the tension by just experiencing her perspective. The change in tense from past to present would also add urgency.
 

Hector seemed unstoppable. - great sentence and adds even more dread to her situation.


More monologuing from both and a retrospective of what ifs from Milagros - exposition but done well. A little editing would help streamline.


Enter the police - he's busted for monologuing...  - This works but could be considered too tidy. All tied up in a neat bow. This doesnt match the suspense you created at the beginning.


Hector is arrested, they have evidence via hospital recording (I'm not sold on this – more on this later).


Turns out Milagros is dead -  reminded me of Sixth Sense and a movie called the Dead Don't Lie, has she been dead the entire time? If so, shouldn’t she be in the morgue?


She gives him the finger as he's carted off to jail - artistic licence for fun, well I found this fun. Hector deserves more than a finger...


You started off with a very chilling tale and I was really wondering how she would get out of her dilemma but turns out she didn’t cos she’s dead, she’s been dead all along and its her ghost telling the story. I feel a little bit robbed lol. But I still enjoyed the tale as you've got a nice style.

“Officer, what can I do for you?” he mumbled, his face instantly turning to that of a grief- stricken husband who has just lost his wife in a tragic accident. - This totally fizzles the impact of her being dead. Needs to be punchier and maybe use the big reveal / twists when the police arrive. Lead the viewer one way and hit them from the other side! If you get the set up right, they wont see it coming and the impact will be much greater.

The wrap up itself could be done better if you allude to things earlier on, she's dead and his gloating confessional has been caught on hospital surveillance? Hospital surveillance with microphones? My advice, as good as this sounds (felt like a movie twist), cut it. Maybe instead have the confessional as a reaction to his imminant arrest (that he knows is coming but cant do anything about it due to his ego or something to that effect, obviously you would have to set these threads up earlier on) and then have the officer that arrests him divulge that after all these years he's finally caught him, yes it could be considered monologuing for exposition, but he's done that already when speaking about his past kills / trophies.

Also, the double twist at the end kind of lessons the impact of the twist, I read that sentence back and hope you get the idea lol. Go with one or the other or combine them but one followed almost immediately by another is just too much (for me).

Her final release (from life) is fitting but at the same time, if she lived through the trauma and was perhaps in a coma and aware of her surroundings, or maybe even being part of the operation to catch him (making her injured but not dead). But as it is, the tying up of all threads at the end are very sudden and could be handled more elegantly, I know this because the intro is very elegant. I'm just spitballing here, but this is a good story and it could be great with a few tweaks.

With regard to the parameters, just an idea, make the antagonist a professional criminal that has killed but is actually a thief that enjoys killing almost as much as he enjoys stealing, the victims he's killed and discusses are perhaps witnesses?

Take these comments with a pinch of salt, its almost there and I do like your style otherwise I wouldn't have given you a thumbs up. The use of the word pickle did make me laugh (in a good way).

 

All the best and happy writing.

 

Mads

 

 

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 13, 2014 - 11:27pm

Hi Mads,

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read and to comment. Like Dan's input, I appreciate it very much and find it very valuable. I will most definitely take your feedback and suggestions into account to try and further improve the story and your ideas and suggestions have already set my creative braincells (the few I have, lol) in motion.

I actually agree with most of the things you pointed out. The only thing I need to figure out is how to change POV and tense in the middle of a story. I did a creative writing course with the Oxford University not long ago and our teacher was very adamant that that was a no go, but I might actually have found a way to get around this, without it  breaking the flow of the story and at the same time adress several issues that need improving. 

So thanks again for your time and feedback. 

Cheers.

Geert

madsmaddox's picture
madsmaddox from Berkshire is reading Fated June 14, 2014 - 3:06am

Hi Geert,

my apologies for the confusion, I didn't mean shift POV mid flow, I meant to change the piece to first person (and that was just an idea or brain fart in my case lol) just because of the depth you were going into with their history at that point. A change to first person could help increase the tension you've created of her situation and also allow you to have room for setting up your twists. Just an idea of course as the piece flows perfectly well in the third person. Your teacher is spot on about not shifting flows, but if you think you've worked out a way to do this, you could always experiment to see if it works, rules are there to be broken but countering to that, if it ain't broke...

 

All the best and it was a pleasure to read.

Mads

Seb's picture
Seb from Thanet, Kent, UK June 16, 2014 - 11:31am

Nice idea, the secret confession, and the catch. The reveal was a bit obvious, and the dialogue, in my opinion, unfortunately just wasn't believable, not from the husband at least. An alternative point of view (as people were discussing it in earlier comments) could be the hospital orderly, watching the cameras, bored, then sees some guy walk into a room with the mangled corpse of his wife and start telling her how he murdered her. Then the orderly has to rush off and find a police officer before the guy leaves. That would be my thought. Anyway, good story, but as others have said it breaches the rules in one way or another.

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 19, 2014 - 9:12pm

Hi Seb,

Thanks for your feedback, much appreciated. 

Ethan Cooper's picture
Ethan Cooper from Longview, TX is reading The Kill Room, Heart-Shaped Box, Dr. Sleep June 19, 2014 - 12:04pm

Great story. It actually fits in several genres (horror, paranormal, etc.), so that probably contributed to my enjoyment.

Personally, I liked the happy ending. We're probably getting very few of them in this challenge. :)

Comments/suggestions:

- Since you've set this within the supernatural realm, I personally wouldn't do anything to change that part of the story. If your main character is too passive, then her thoughts should be as "active" as possible.

- My gut tells me that the core of your story isn't so much about the crime, but about how the wife couldn't have known. It's probably a decent shift in focus from what you might have right now, but really letting us feel how she's been betrayed would go a long way to making her a more active character. I'd think she'd feel a lot of guilt over not seeing her husband for who he was all those years.

- At first the middle finger thing didn't do anything for me, but when I reread it, I realized that the middle finger is actually raising on her physical body. Ah yes, this makes more sense, and is a great bit of black comedy. Don't lose this. :)

- I did struggle to figure out why he would be confessing this all to her corpse. Maybe clarify that? He's been careful for so long, and here he doesn't even check to make sure there are security cameras. Did he want to get caught?

- No problems here with the deus ex machina in the end. Then again, if he wanted to get caught, it was all part of his plan...

Thanks for sharing your story. It was a fun, read!

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 19, 2014 - 9:40pm

Hi Ethan,

Thanks for your feedback.

I think you are right that I should find a way of making the wife more active, whilst keeping her dead (some other comments suggested something similar). I will definitely try and figure out how to do that all the while keeping the current setting. Probably I need to have her feel more emotions than what she does now. Guilt, shame,... As it is a bit of magical realism mixed in with black humor I don't worry too much wether it is believable or not. Believable is not what this story is all about.

You are right that the story is not so much about the crime of killing his wife (allthough he is a serial killer it is definitely not a story about his serial killings) but about how he used his wife all the time they were married as a convenient cover. As such the confession is brought on by a trait most serial killers have in common : they feel the need to brag about it. In this case to a dead body. Not sure how to clarify that within the story. I'll have to think about that one.

And finally I'm glad you did make the conection between the rigor mortis setting in and her middle finger physically raising. Here again it is quite common for a dead body to still have some movement as rigor mortis sets in, but I understood from other comments that this detail might have eluded some readers.

Thanks again for the time you took to read and comment.

 

Jonathan Riley's picture
Jonathan Riley from Memphis, Tennessee is reading Flashover by Gordon Highland June 20, 2014 - 7:40am

Geert I've made some line edits that are totally subjective but could cut some of the fluff and put it in a more active voice. Please ignore any of it if you don't feel it strengthens your prose. 

That said, I tend to agree with Dan about the ending. You don't have to have her pulling supernatural stunts if you don't want to. It is something to consider because it will be good, but I noticed a burried gun you built in that you might have not even realized and it could easily hash out some of the problems. 

In his confession he says 

 taking the mop you were using to clean with you.” 

Any decent detective should be able to peice together that noone kills themselves with a mop in hand, or while mopping. A stubborn stain pushes her to the brink of suicide? It's funny in theory but it's a clue that would definitely warrent suspission. 

So perhaps, in your finally instead of them catching the confession, perhaps the circumstantial clue is enough to warrent an arrest and the fate of the husband will be left in the judicial system. But you can have her remember being pushed right before she died. Making sure to take the mop with her to leave a clue. You don't have to use that necesarilly but something like that. It'd be great if her last living action is what gives him away as a murderer. It would be good enough for her if he's arrested only for her murder even if they don't find out about the others. And once he's implicated she can finally rest easily. 

I was a little conflicted with the confession altogether. I didn't buy that a guy would just sit in there and say all that. Especially since he seems to pitty her more than hate her. I think you need to amp up his dialouge and motive for confession. The things he say make him out to be an evil man but the way he says them doesn't sound evil. I'd like him to really hammer it out. Like he's pissed, and hates her and how stupid she is. He just seems a little too coy. If he were that coy, I don't think he'd be talkng to her corpse. 

Another problem I had is why is a dead body laying in the hospital bed so long? Did she just die there and not on impact? Otherwise she'd be in the morgue rather than a hospital. Something could come out about that in the dialouge as well. 

I enjoyed the read and think there is great potential. Especially if she can somehow will the intercom to come on. Even still, he's whispering most of the time, so maybe have him get loud and excited while he boasts. But even if they don't here the confession, his arrest needs to be the direct result of her actions pre or post mortem. 

Take what helps and leave the rest. 

Thanks for sharing. Good Luck. 

--JR--

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 20, 2014 - 8:21am

Hi Jonathan,

Thanks for the time you took to comment. Your input is very helpful and will definitely be of use in a further reworking of the story.

Maybe just one input, as this has been raised before. The confession is actually a trait often seen in serial killers, which is their need to brag about their acts. Probably need to figure out a way to make that clearer.

Thanks a lot.

guf's picture
guf June 22, 2014 - 8:12am

Hi Geert,

Thanks for posting this. I like the idea of a serial killer getting caught for killing his wife, it's ironic that he would get caught for something mundane (sadly, husbands killing wives is pretty common).

The plot device of him delivering a monologue to his wife's body wasn't engaging for me as a reader. It felt unrealistic and robbed the conceit of energy. I was initially intrigued by the wife's situation until I understood that she was dead, and both characters were essentially just explaining themselves to the audience with no interaction.

There were a few details that felt off, (some have been mentioned already): lack of damage falling to her death, weirdness of suicide carrying a mop, security camera with audio surveillance, guard at the morgue listening in. There's a degree of dissonance when major plot points hinge on these details.

I think given different framing and key plot details, there's a really compelling story here.

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 25, 2014 - 10:45pm

Hi Guf,

Thanks for your feedback. Much appreciated and I think the issues that you mention will be adressed in a further rewrite. 

Dino Parenti's picture
Dino Parenti from Los Angeles is reading Everything He Gets His Hands On June 22, 2014 - 8:59pm

I really dug the leisurely tone and voice of this piece. Maybe it's the latin names, but it evoked a little something of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. There are some minor spelling issues that can be easily fixed, but overall it was good read where I never felt myself stumbling or guessing either where I was or who was speaking. I suppose my two real issues are the same two that have already been pointed out. The first is the 15 story fall, which does push credibility in Milagro's "cohesion," though I have to admit I like the irony of the meaning of her name. The other is the ending, or rather, how his confession was obtained. I'm not sure as is how to adjust it so it feels more organic and in keeping with what you'd established. Perhaps you alter it so that the twist is that she thinks she's already dead, when in reality, she's in a coma. Also maybe have some hack paramedic at the police station declaring her dead instead of an ER--put them someplace rural or in the third-world, far from a modern hospital. In that sense her raising her finger in the end is really as much a shock to her as the reader. 

You have a lot of a really good story here. If you can tighten some of those loose ends, this one could be special. Anyway, a pleasure to read it.

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 25, 2014 - 10:48pm

Hi Dino,

Thanks a lot for the time you took to read and comment. The influence of Gabriel Garcia Marquez you point out is quite obvious, he is my all time favorite writer and I thouroughly enjoy the magical realism genre. Thanks for picking up on that.

As you rightfully point out, there is need to adress some issues that could do with a rewrite. I will certainly take them into account. Thanks again.

eelissab's picture
eelissab from The Motor City is reading Graham's Charlotte June 24, 2014 - 12:13pm

Interesting aspect of conscious self trapped inside dead body. A bit spooky. Creepy murderer/hubby - deliciously nasty making it easy to hate the "ex" and depart the world with a very strong purpose. It brings out how sometimes what brings happiness to some can also bring complacency.  

Geert Mostrey's picture
Geert Mostrey from Belgium is reading Gone Girl June 25, 2014 - 10:49pm

Hi eelissab,

Thx for taking the time to read and comment. Much appreciated.

Damon Lytton's picture
Damon Lytton from Augusta, Kansas is reading Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow July 4, 2014 - 9:12pm

Hey Geert,

I liked the story.  It was an intriguing journey with some good moments.  Unfortunately, I don't have any notes that haven't already been pointed out by the above reviewers.  Good luck with any future revisions and keep up the good work.

Cmangano's picture
Cmangano from Maine July 26, 2014 - 4:08pm

I think this is a well written piece. I would like to find out a little more about your characters, although I suppose it's not purely necessary to this type of story. While reading I kept thinking, why would he be telling his wife this, I mean other than to gloat about what he got away with. I thought it was odd that he would go into specific (incriminating) detail to her. It almost sounded like we wanted to get caught. There were times where you would have Hector confessing and Milagros responding by saying " you mean he..." and summarizing the action that just happened. I would reconsider the part about her not believing that Hector could have killed Christina. She has already come to realize he has killed her, his own wife.

I like the story overall. It sort of reminiscent of something in the Twilight Zone. Again I think that the story is well written and the general idea is fully thought out.