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Ones and Zeros
How It Rates
Description
A man named Edward suffers from multiple personality disorder. But he goes to the doctor and has the alternate personality removed. Problem solved. However, in the lunar colony of Mare Vaporum, where everyone hides behind digital avatars, Edward can't seem to escape the torment of his now freed alternate personality.
Comments
Interesting story. I like the way you described how apps and likes have taken over the lifes of humans. My only concern was sticking with the different characters; the humans and non-humans. While I'm still wondering exactly what app/being/thing was and where it ended up, I think it's a good thing that I'm still thinking about it and adding my thoughts and vision into a world that you created. Good read!
Thank you for your comment! I'm glad you enjoyed my story, and that it stuck with you. Thank you for reading it!
Maybe it's becaise I've spent the last three years developing apps myself, basically going nowhere without my eyes glued to the iPhone or iPad, i really appreciate this story.
I had no trouble following it, even if I think it was a bit tricky at times, i quite enjoyed it, throughout.
I had some problems with the sewers and the airlocks. Seemed a bit to quick of a fix to a central part of the story. 'There are a lot of people in the sewers, Governor.' 'Oh, there are? I'll just kill them. There. Done.' '...'
You could have milked that part of the story for way more drama, I think.
Still, thumbs up for you.
Very interesting story with the Avatars and the Unplugged and the virtual chat and everything. Great detail and description. I really dug it. Well done. The only critical thing I could point out is that toward the end when everything is coming to a head with the sewer people. It all feels a little like a list of things that are happening. It could be a little more suspenseful leading up to the end. Otherwise very good story.
There are some very good elements here, and you create a very interesting world. I was fascinated by the relationship between Edward and his Alt. The tech is very good too, all the talk of avatars is believable as our future. For me though this just lacked a little coherence. There are quite a number of breaks that stop the flow a little. I also struggled at times to work out exactly what was going on. It feels perhaps like you've condensed a bigger story to fit within the word count. With more room to breathe, this could be very good indeed.
Having two "Something"s in the first line tripped me up. I had to re-read the line a couple of times to make sure I hadn't lost my place. The flow and pacing of the story feels very staccato and abrupt.
For instance, take a look at the last paragraph on page 1. The first two sentences start with "He realized" and "He followed" and both the last sentence and the first of the next paragraph start with "Edward". While not grammatically off, it does read awkwardly and can feel tiring to a reader. If you change one of the early sentences and one of the last pair to start differently, it should read a little smoother.
Here's another example:
"An Auto was waiting for Edward. He climbed in and ordered the vehicle to his apartment. It cranked and drove. Edward’s thought messenger opened."
It reads like a list rather than something that flows. You could fix with something like:
"Edward climbed into a waiting Auto and ordered it to his apartment. As the vehicle cranked and started driving, his thought messenger opened."
Still not quite as smooth as it could be, but should work as an example. The idea is not to list events but turn those events into a narrative flow. You might try reading the text out loud to yourself and tweaking until it sounds right. (Or record your reading and play it back ...)
Ok, enough of that mess! I do have to say you've created and interesting world to explore and given your reader a decent introduction to it. Don't give up on it! I'm sure you'll be able to hammer this into a better piece in the end. ;)
Good Work and Keep at it!