Good story.  The more graphic scenes weren't overdone, as is often the case.  The language wasn't too flowery or understated either.  I saw it came in under the word count and I certainly wouldn't have minded if it was closer to the 4000 mark, but I think with the current word count it worked well.

SPOILERS

A little on the short side but very well executed.  Of all the stories I've read so far, I'd classify the one you setup here as one of the darkest and scariest.  A world without conscience or guilt would break down into complete and utter chaos in a very short time without something to take its place.  Just as you had Caleb collapse into debauchery in nothing flat.  It would have been interesting to see a little more exploration of that side of things, what happened to him after the Procedure, but it works the way it is.

Overall, a very smooth read!  Good Job!

There is some good stuff here.  You have some good imagery – I particularly liked the halogen light shadow looking like a spider waiting for its prey.  If you decide to develop it further, I’d consider giving the procedure a name.  I’m guessing you wanted to keep it vague, but the word procedure is repeated a lot throughout the story, and giving it a name would help cut down the repetition and you could still keep it vague (think the Voight-Kampff test in Bladerunner – the name says nothing of what the test is).  It would be preferable to know a bit more about the Procedure as well, you have room in the word count to do this.  While you position it as a possible force for good, the transformation of Caleb into an unfeeling, unsympathetic character doesn’t fit with that.  Overall this story could definitely be developed into something more than it is at the moment, and I’m glad you plan to revisit it.

You have a very disturbing story here--a cautionary tale, with hints of A Clockwork Orange, and The Outer Limits/Twilight Zone.

**SPOILERS**

It took me a second read to really conclude that Caleb underwent the procedure so he could get away with things. I'm not sure if this was your intent, or if he was simply undergoing the Procedure because of his broken heart.

They said the Procedure would give him a chance to do the things he had always wanted to do, without fear. Without repercussions. Without regret.

This sentence, to me, is key, since it speaks not to dealing with rejection so much as it does to being able to do whatever you want. Sure you won't feel the pain, but hey, you can abuse people! And best of all: they won't even care.

Truly frightening.

Despite the fact that your story already includes a rape of sorts, I think you should take things to the next level and really explore this concept. First, by having him revisit the original girl. He had the Procedure because of her, why wouldn't he immediately seek her out for some payback? Show us how meaningless it all is. I mean, is revenge really even possible when you can't enjoy it fully?

The quote above mentions that there are no repercussions. This is true when actions are taken against another person who had the Procedure. I don't think this holds true when you're talking about an unmodified person. On his way home, what if he had come across a hot girl who hadn't had the Procedure? To me, that's where the real hard questions are. Robots can hurt robots and nobody cares. A robot harms a human....and there's trouble. I would like to have seen a deeper exploration of this.

To me, "The Procedure" is fine for a name. It really implies that this is so common nobody cares. It's general and lends to the mystery. I personally don't think we need any details on it. As a matter of fact, you probably don't ever have to tell us what it's supposed to do. All you should have to do is show us how Caleb changes afterward. If you've done your job, then we should be able to learn all we need to from Caleb's actions.

You have a beginning, middle, and end, so that is good. However, I do feel the ending here isn't terribly engaging. Considering how dark your world really is, this conversation should have a lot more impact than I feel it currently does. We really need to feel the impact of what he's done to himself. His mother should be horrified. The reader needs to be horrified. Because what's going on is pure horror in my book.

Thanks for writing this story, and I hope this feedback is useful to you.

Hi Naomi,

Great story you've got here. I really enjoyed it because of its cross-genre nature -- it bordered on sci-fi and horror for me, and those are two of my favorite genres! This also gave me a giggle, because one of my high school teachers was a Mr Gunderson.

Things I liked: The scary, creepy tone that's pervasive throughout this piece. One of the very first lines sets the tone with "“The Procedure will not take, Mr. Gundersson, unless you are completely calm". Being a lawyer, I also loved your quip about not knowing the difference between them pre and post op. This gave me a laugh given how many sociopaths I've come across in the legal industry! I think the concept itself is quite petrifying, too. Imagine a world where we're surrounded by sociopaths? Actually, I think you and I have had that with our entanglement with the legal profession!

Things I think you could improve on when you edit this piece: a bit of back story somewhere on why the Governement funds or created this procedure, and perhaps testing post procedure that is a little more clinical to check that the Procedure has held.

Thanks for sharing this with us. If you get the chance to read my story, I'd be very grateful!

Jess