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The Blow
How It Rates
Description
A new camera is going to change the face of reality TV and is being tested in one of the harshest environments on the planet. The film crew is about to learn a dark secret about the people who live and work in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska.
Comments
Hi Josh,
I thought the idea of the camera was excellent. As Tim said, "That's pretty fucked up"
You've got some great ideas here: the Alaskan hotel setting is good, the reality TV concept is good. But I'm afraid the delivery didn't excite me. I hate to criticise someones writing, because I know how much effort goes into it, but I thought the narrative was flat. There was just too much dry description. And the way Tim kept asking people to explain things - I found that frustrating and quite irritating. I couldn't help but feel that you were underestimating me as a reader to be spelling everything out so much.
To make the story more exciting it needs to be less passive. Here's an example of what I mean: "As soon as the creatures saw them they began to do their horrible scuttling run towards Tim and Luke"
You could instead write something like "The creatures saw them and scuttled furiously in their direction" That's not a great rewrite, I know. But something along those lines. The original 'began to do' dulls the action.
I hope I haven't been too discouraging. As I said, you've got some cool concepts here!
Josh, congrats on having the courage to place your work out there for critique. I think your concept is great, but I think the execution needs some work.
For example, you wrote: The walls had oily looking finger stains where people had run their hands in the past.
Here's a variation WITHOUT adverbs and past perfect tense that's been fuel-injected with a verb:
Grease stains streaked the walls.
That's not a great example, but see how it "pops" by comparison?
You've got potential, my friend. Keep at it.
-Shane Berryhill
http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/burn?fb_action_ids=10200636629378173&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582
I want to start by saying that this story has a lot of potential, and you have a lot of bravery to submit on a site like this (I havent gotten it together to do so myself so kudos to you!).
That being said this story needs some work. The desolate setting is great, the dreary, disgusting hotel is awesome, the idea of a camera thats a lie detector is a very cool idea. Unfortunately the execution of the story isnt quite right. The narration feels kind of flat and Tim asking to have everything explained seems really odd to me. I think a good idea (and one that has worked for me) is go re-read this and really omit any words you dont need, be brutal with the words and really look at it and cut the hell out of it. Then go back and read it and amp up the descriptions, make everything more active than passive because this could be a really great short story with lots of action and buildup.
I dont know if this was helpful and I sure hope it wasnt discouraging, this is a really great start, it just needs some help to make it as awesome as it could be!
Hi! The concept was really cool, setting interesting and appropriate for a horror/sci-fi payoff.
With another pass or two, this story would really sing.
Things to take a second look at:
As others mentioned, passive voice is used a lot (see examples cited above).
Also, many instances where "it's" and "its" are used incorrectly. Little things like this can take the reader out of the story, putting the brakes on an otherwise enjoyable read.
I also wanted to be in the character's heads more, hear what they're feeling. It would give us a more intense emotional connection.
Keep going, and let me know if you do another revision.
Good luck!
-g
Interesting idea with the camera, but the story feels incomplete. The large number of characters and things that you have to explain at the start is killing words that you could be using to progress the story more. If you weren't limited to 4k, this would be a solid start for something a bit longer. As it is, I'd suggest cutting out most of your crew and the introductions that go along with them.
With the two characters bolting through the emergency exit, it feels like your cutting off the reader right at the climax of events. Everything just stops without a clear conclusion. If you could draw out the conflict a touch more, maybe let the two fight back or let the aliens kill them outright, it might work a little better.
Minor editing note:
Page 2: "We're meeting the cast member ..." member being singular bugged me at first, I thought it was a typo until I read more of the story. Maybe just say "meeting the cast and the rest of the crew ..." and leave the fact that there is only one cast member until latter. Or add "our" before cast. Either approach would be clearer.
Page 17: "The false humanity shaking of like a dog ..." Should that of be off?
In the end, I like the idea and writing enough to give you and up vote :) That 4k limit is killer isn't it?
Good Work and Keep At It!
P.S. In it's current form, the "blow" really doesn't have much to do with the story does it? Maybe "The Camera" would be a better title?
Good concept - it definitely has potential. It doesn't really get moving for quite some time though. There is a lot of build up to not a lot of bang. You really could lose a lot of this, an concentrate on the horror aspects - this doesn't really fit the sci-fi parametres, but it would make a superb horror story. You could make this a cross between The Shining and 30 Days of Night. Lose the exposition, it's too heavy until that end sequence. Ramp up the tension in the hotel itself, and lead more gradually into your reveal. Don't introduce the characters so formerly, let their characters come through. Drop the questions too. Do keep working on this though, there are some superb ideas coming through, it just needs a little more work (concentrate on the plot and the conflict).
Nice job. This story had a great sense of place. The setting was believable and engaging. The character's rang true as well. Still, I think I'd be more engaged as a reader if there was more focus on a main character. Put me in Tim's shoes and tell me what he's thinking and feeling. Get me to relate with your main character and I'll be hooked.
All in all, an easy thumbs up.
Hi! Cool story, Awesome location, good plot. Needs a bit of tightening up though. A few places where the same words are repeated, eg:
"I just got here so I don't know anything about the show. I think it might be
beneficial if you at least told me the general idea of the show,"
Give it a strict editing pass and kill some of the adverbs, and it would be a slicker read. Nice work though, snowy sci fi is an excellent idea. :)
B
http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/scrap
Hi! Cool story, Awesome location, good plot. Needs a bit of tightening up though. A few places where the same words are repeated, eg:
"I just got here so I don't know anything about the show. I think it might be
beneficial if you at least told me the general idea of the show,"
Give it a strict editing pass and kill some of the adverbs, and it would be a slicker read. Nice work though, snowy sci fi is an excellent idea. :)
B
http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/scrap