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The Crack
How It Rates
Description
They say the flap of a butterfly's wings can effect the entire world, but what if fate placed that responsibility into the hands of a young boy?
Comments
Welcome to Litreactor, Makkid.
My first concern is that The Crack doesn't explore a dystopian/utopian society. You'll probably have to fix this for the story to qualify for the challenge.
Anyway, I think the story is well written (pretty sure there's not a single typo, which is always nice) and moves forward at a good pace. At times, your use of adjectives is a bit heavy, and you abuse the word "suddenly" quite a bit. I can recommend this craft essay and the section about shark music.
I've got to say, I can't quite buy that the alien's would base their decision on the testimony of one boy. I love the idea in a more general sense, but I think you need to work on an explanation for why they chose him and why they simply take his word for the way things are in the world.
Since I'm pretty sure you haven't ticked all the boxes for the challenge, I'll hold off on my rating. If you decide to revise and work in the utopian/dystopian prompt, please send me a pm.
Thanks for sharing!
I thought it had a classic 'twilight zone' ending i liked it
Yeah I dug the "Twilight Zone" ending as well, made me smile when I realized what had happened and how if Aliens were really that short-sighted it COULD happen if they spoke with a child or an angry adult. I think it does need a bit more work to add in the utopia/dytopia (but I could stretch the boundries a bit and say the boy is living in a utopian society that is about to be turned into a dystopia but that would be stretching it) so thats the biggest issue as it does not necessarily fit the rules of the contest. Either way, great story!
Makkid, you've got a nice little story going although I will agree with the others it's difficult to say it fulfilled the utopia/dystopia requirement. You have plenty of room with the word count to try and get that sort of angle into the work, although it might destroy the small town, real-world feel you effectively developed. The piece also works as a social commentary, where the entertainment options afforded to this particular child all revolve around violence.
As real as if felt though, there were a few things that kept made it difficult to remain engaged. I couldn't tell how old Johnny is. He talks about watching cartoons with aliens and the GI Joe movie from 2009, but somehow knows the sound of a "robot from the 80s." I grew up watching robots in to 80s and couldn't begin to create a generalization like that. An actual description would be useful. He also asks astute multi-part questions that are better suited to a government interogator than an wonder-filled boy.
A few issue with some physical descriptions gave me trouble as well. If Johnny was stepping back from the alien, how could he stumble to a knee? If he was indeed "deep into the woods," then how was his mother only yards away, and wouldn't it be really dark by this time since the sun was setting as he entered the woods? Those sorts of things make it tough for me to imagine it happening.
Lastly, watch the use of "that," which is an easy word to overuse. Anyway, I gave the story the thumbs up as I like where it took me and I think it has good potential.
C.
It has a nice vibe to it, and is reminiscent of those kid's adventure films of the 80's. As a story it almost works for me, but just falls short. There's an implausibility about the tale that took me out of it. It's well written, and you have a nice tone and flow to your writing. That the alien would hone in on a kid because of the crack of his homerun is hard to swallow. How many similar cracks echo out across America of a weekend? Why three questions? Why would they make a decision based on one meeting with a kid? I think I see what you were aiming for (outer limits / twilight zone vibe), but the story just doesn't quite stack up well enough. A little more work and I think you'll have it though.
Short and sweet. I burned through that even more quickly than I had expected too! (Don't worry, that's a good thing.) You have a nice setup and a good flow for the reader. There's just not quite enough here and that is one heck of a snap decision on the part of an "superior" alien. Wow out an entire planet based on three questions asked of a child? Ouch! Not entirely unexpected or unprecedented, just ouch!
A nice read, Good Work!
Well, that's what I get for posting from my phone.
Well, that's what I get for posting from my phone.
Well, that's what I get for posting from my phone.
Well, that's what I get for posting from my phone.
Well, that's what I get for posting from my phone.
Well, that's what I get for posting from my phone.
Well, that's what I get for posting from my phone.
Sorry about the duplications!