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Implant
How It Rates
Description
It was meant to end violence. It was meant to create a society where no one had anything to fear. It was meant to keep the people safe.
But for Technician Outis, something's very wrong.
2/22: Uploaded a version with a few minor fixes and edits.
Comments
Thanks for the kind words! Multi-armed AI's with questionable intent seem to have turned into a repeating theme this challenge. There's also the surgeon in Tomcat. I want to say that there was at least one other one but I can' place the story right now.
Glad you liked it!
<<SPOILERS>>
It's nice to finally see someone exploring a utopian theme in this contest, especially one that ends on such a happy note! Don't mistake my sarcasm... I thoroughly enjoyed it. The concensus is that this is a dystopian existence for Outis, and it would be hard for any "well-adjusted" human to to disagree. From a less human-centric viewpoint, I could see Outis' shift from an organic to synthetic existence as an evolution of sorts. Granted, that endless procession of children being conveyor-fed kicking and sobbing to a 99.9% chance of death is... well icky, yeah? Somehow the imagery of their collective fate left me unfazed - but I chalk it up to desensitization. On the flipside, the notion you described of being entombed alive in Physician's Freudian exam room had a much more profound impact on me in a very "Poe" buried alive way. This was my absolute favorite part. I can only imagine hundreds (or thousands?) of these little rooms packed into this vast mechanized complex, like an ant farm seen in cross-section.
I agree with some of the other comments. It's a great story overall. As far as an improvement? Well of course to expand our view of the world that Outis lives in. It's clear that you have a vision of a broader twisted society, one that's run by either a supreme artificial intelligence or a few human elite. Regardless, I'd love to see more!
Glad you liked it! To tell you the truth, I hadn't thought too much about how Analyst and its ilk would view the world outside their own little niche. The idea that they would view it as a utopian society does fit with their general demeanor.
I may have to join the workshops just to satisfy all the people interested in seeing more of this world. Most definitely thanks!
Good story--I really like the balance of the humor and emotion with the grisly descriptions. The story moved very quickly for me so it was a fun read. I liked the surprises and twists too. I'd really like more in the ending. I'm intrigued, and I think I understand most of it, but just a bit more explanation and description would really help to solidfy it.
I liked the dialogue and you managed to create distinct voices. Your description is also very good and I think the story would benefit from a few more here and there. I think beefing that part up could make the contrast between Outis' fate, etc. even more horrifying.
Cool!
Missed the reply button, my comment is the next one down ;)
I'm glad you liked it! I understand what you mean about that descriptions. That 4k limit is killer!
Christopher,
I am so pleased I read this story, I think it's one of my favourites in the challenge so far. It's dytopic, it's science-fiction, and it's HORRIFIC. Utterly terrifying! Science-fiction and horror crossovers are the movies I love most and I've been trying to find writing that comes close to things like Event Horizon and Existenz. This story is exactly what I've been looking for. I had plenty of questions (like, why are the implants parasitic? Are the beings inserting the implants robotic or alien or a "higher" class of human?), but the ambiguity didn't bother me at all because the plot and tension was so tight. This is really polished and I'm surprised it's not published.
A huge thumbs up from me.
If you have time, do you mind heading over to my TU story and having a read/rate?
Thanks,
Jess http://litreactor.com/events/teleport-us/gravidism
Most definitely thanks for the compliment! I don't think I've ever seen Existenz but Event Horizon is a movie I have a great deal of respect for. When that movie was first coming out (15 years ago wow!), my parents mixed Event Horizon up with either Mars Attacks or Men in Black and we wound up watching it in a dollar theater. It's been one of my favorites ever since.
I'm planning to do some more stuff with this world, maybe even take this story and flesh it out into a larger work (not quite sure yet on that). The idea for this world had been floating around in the back of my mind for a while. This challenge gave me the perfect motivation to start putting pen to paper! That's also the answer to the publishing comment, I started writing this in January when the first emails went about Teleport Us went out. Hopefully I can find someone interested once the competition is finished ;)
And I will definitely get to your story. I've been systematically working through the list at a rate of about 3 a day. Unfortunately, life has a tendency to happen and I've missed a day or so now. So, I'll put you at the top of my list for today!
Do you live Cronenberg? Existenz is one of his body horror style movies about virtual reality gaming. It's up there with Videodrome as one of my Cronenberg favourites. And similarly to you, the first time I saw Event Horizon was with my grandmother-- she and I were hanging out on a Friday night and watching a movie after having dinner together (she's always been very good at humouring my taste in movies and music!).
I'd love to have a look at any future drafts if you write more, please keep me in the loop!
And no worries, I totally understand about life getting crazy, whenever you have a moment. :)
Honestly, I haven't really kept track of directors much until the last few years. I will defintely have to look up some of his stuff to watch! Videodrome and Existenz look intersting :) Several of the movie rental shops I used to frequent had sci-fi sections that could more appropriately be described as that genre of horror. Nothing I recognize from his imdb page though.
Thanks for the heads up ;)
Hi,
Good stuff!
Put a few line breaks between title and start - it makes it feel less cluttered!
I was initially kicking back at the description of the convulsions on injecting, thinking that you wouldn't do this without a muscle relaxant, as you don't really want that needle jerking around in the skull! But then I read on... :) Maybe we need a sooner thought from Outis that something is wrong with this session?
I liked this, simple, effective, chilling. I'd like a little more sense of Outis's dissolution, and some discussion of how the mass of threads is kind of not simply one entity, but many, sharing Outis's thoughts and memory (otherwise the implants from him are only a small bit of that experience.)
I'd also like to see a little something about maybe the very last part of his brain was being consumed - hence the dreams which are difficult to explain otherwise!
But these are fairly minor points, it's pretty polished otherwise!
Liam
Glad you liked it! I'll keep the comment about extra space between the story and title in mind. Except for the graphic, I was going for a pretty plain format.
Yeah, the opening sequence is meant to be obviously wrong. I can see how that might be off putting though. I'll have to go back and re-read this and look over that first visit with Physician. I'll have to inject a little more apprehension on Outis's part ;)
As to the Implant, I had thought of it as a composite of many tiny, self replicating machines. As a whole, they could simulate the entirety of Outis's mind and individually retain an imprint of that whole. That idea may not be obvious enough though. I'll have to take a look at it some more.
Again, thanks for the kind words!
Holy crap! I really shouldn't have been eating lunch while reading this one... Awesome, grisly descriptions. This was a horrifying read. I really like how you tied the sci-fi to horror, I think they can have more in common than people think. My only feedback was that I was a little confused at Outis' mood changes with the Physician. It seemed a little overly dramatic and unwarranted, in my opinion, especially if the humanity of Outis had pretty much been eaten up by the implant at that point. Was it because he was running through that last bit of Outis and was so close to him, emotionally? Anyway, just nitpicky, and I think someone may have already mentioned it already anyway. You're definitely a talented writer! Very interesting story, thanks for the nightmares that will undoubtedly ensue.
Your welcome! As to the sequence with the Physician, I had meant Outis to be a bit claustrophobic and had hoped that would work as a basis for his initial unease. I may have to elaborate on that more.
Thanks for the read!
I second your nightmare comment. Seriously, the eye trauma is what gets me...
ArlaneEnalra,
that really reminded me of the Outer Limits (classic one not the 90s version) in tone, thoroughly enjoyed, I think with some heavy editing you could sharpen it up considerably for greater effect, the pace at the beginning eases you in but when approaching the big reveal it's a tad too wordy and I think the momentum you've gained is somewhat lost, cutting it down would definitely increase the tension and give a better climax, just a thought mind, I'm not a professional critic lol.
Keep it up and happy writing!
All the best
Krome
Thanks for the read and glad you liked it ;) That ending is one of the areas I need to work on some more. It felt a little rough when I was writing that part. I will definitely give this another run through the editing mill after I let it steep for a while. ;)
Hi Christopher,
Thanks for the opportunity to read "Implant."
Overall this feels like a horror story clothed in classic SF tropes. There is a lot that I like. You do a nice job of revealing information slowly. Some of your imagery is quite graphic. I like the dream sequence, and I enjoyed the interview with the Physician. I like it that the boy's fear of lobotomy (which Outis soothes) turns out to be great foreshadowing.
Here are my biggest challenges and maybe a few suggestions:
I had a little trouble with connection of the story to a larger world. Why would there be such a complex method of murdering most humans and turning the others into drones? It seemed that the actual "survival" rate was 0% - some survived for some time, but all ripened and were then turned into seed for the infants (who were created how?). You did well imbuing the story with a sense of horror, and the horror would be more visceral if the reasons for the cruelty that we see were clearer. I don't think they need to be completely clear. But as is, I couldn't hang this on a reason. For example, in the Matrix, the humans are providing power. Not that I bought that, but it at least gave me a big old hand-waving thing to hang the movie plot onto.
You might work in more sensory detail with the specific aim of emotional connection for the reader. Your opening is the strongest part of this story for me. It would be even stronger if I saw just enough of the boy to like him - to know that he misses his dog named Max who he found by the road, that he was caught looking for medicine for his little sister, or if I knew he smelled like the woods and smoke and his clothes had been handmade by someone from cat skins. Whatever. Just one or two small telling specific details that would make him more alive for me (so I then feel his death more) and would also illuminate Outis by showing me what he notices.
The Analyst as a character is way too telling. Kind of like a cardboard villian. Perhaps the implant - watching the analyst - could figure out what was happening by asking the Analyst a question or two? I think my disconnect is that the Analyst does not appear to be human (after all, the Physician clearly isn't) and yet the way it talks feels like an evil human mad scientist from a cartoon. You have a lot of opportunities here to make the Analyst even creepier by being a little more subtle.
Once more, nice job. Thanks for letting me read!
Brenda Cooper
Most definitely thank you for your thoughts! This story has probably steeped enough now that I can get back to it with a fresh perspective. To tell the truth, the Analyst was the sequence I was least happy with while writing. That whole section was meant to tie some of the other elements in the story together, but it never quite seemed to do the job.
It sounds like a big chunk of what's missing is depth to the world and characters. There's definitely more context I want to add ( some information about the implant's purpose, etc.), and I suspect doing so will bring things into better focus.
Again, most definitely thank you for your insight!
Chris S.
Drat! This should have been a reply to Brenda's comment, not a standalone one.