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A Momentary Lapse
How It Rates
Description
While crossing a vast and unknown wasteland in a world that has been nearly destroyed, a traveler finds something that will change his perception of himself.
Comments
Made some edits and altered some wording to make the story flow a bit better.
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Interesting read. The style of world you have setup here is a common one in Sci-fi, but I think you've done a good job of making it your own. Good job.
There were a few things that could use fixing/tweaking. Somewhere around the middle of the story, there is a chunk where you're describing the walls of the building. You used the phrase "the walls" in nearly every sentence. As a reader, that quickly gets repetitive and should be revised.
Still, excellent work!
You have a very nice style here, and a good turn of phrase. It flows very well, and keeps the attention. The world is built up nicely, instantly recognisable within this genre, but it doesn't come across as derivative. It has an excellent mood throughout the story. My only issue with this is that the mood and style is better than the story. It doesn't really move until he finds the Rover. The first two pages are lovely to read but do nothing to advance the story. There is nothing wrong with a simple story, but I think you need to move it quicker in the beginning. The narrative is strong, though it could be a little simpler in places. For example "A path that would lead to a surer truth and away from the ruin that was his past and assuredly his future". Perhaps cut out 'a surer' and 'and assuredly his future'. It makes it sound like he's moving away from both the past and the future. This has potential.
Like your style, maybe a bit of a problem with the worldbuilding. I would like it to make more sense. Maybe a bit of backstory could be included? Give me a hint of what caused the burn and what happened. In this story, you have the burn, the plague, the killer beetles and robotic dogs. How do all these fit together?
But overall, i really like your writing style. You hooked me and kept me interested throughout the story.
I have to say I thought the story was just okay. There is a ton of description about the world and very little actual story. It never really seems to move forward. It doesn't take off until about the middle. I think you should move the introduction of the Rover closer to the beginning and have the story move on from there. But that's just me. You meet the Rover, he gets eaten, end of story. Everything before that was just exposition. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I just wanted more to happen.
Although I did enjoy your prose. Very fluid and easy to read. The idea of the world you've built has plenty of potential as well. Anyway, good luck with it.