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An Artist's World
How It Rates
Description
In the none-too-distant future, robots have taken up the grunt work of supplying humanity with food, warmth, services, and comforts. Faced with widespread unemployment, a government program creates grants so that a large part of society can simply be artists. Is it a utopia, or has humanity peaked? And what of the robots working tirelessly for thankless humans?
Comments
It seems you create a one sided argument, and to me it reads like propaganda. You should try to develope two equally valid perspecthves then compare and contrast them
Jeff,
I like the concept of a nanny-state supporting an artist class. I also like the idea of an artist feeling trapped in that same environment and wanting to do something about it. However, your story is cluttered and doesn't have narrative drive. I feel no sense of urgency, no dilemma or problem, nothing to really care about. I get that Todd feels ill-at-ease with the world he lives in, but it comes across very weak until the last third of the piece.
The story drags on and on without really developing for the first 4-5 pages. It's just two dudes talking for the longest time and getting pretty much nowhere. The POV is distant--I want more of Todd's thoughts and feelings, his context, his remembrances. I want to believe it when he has his epiphany but I just can’t. Not as presently written. Establish in your mind the sequence of realizations which take Todd to his final realization. Move us through them sequentially, carefully showing each, and connecting it to real emotion. If you can do that, your story will come to life.
The dialogue is riddled with misplaced, misused and abused beats. I wrote some notes on the attached word document which I hope you find helpful. I tried to show you some ways to simplify your dialogue to make it less cumbersome.
The last paragraph is rubbish. It has nothing to do with the rest of the piece and feels tacked on and manipulative. Let us leave wondering if Todd is crazy or a savior--you don't have to wedge something in sideways to prove things one way or the other.
Overall, a nice idea poorly executed. It reads like an early draft--I'd put this one in the fire, burn it down to its core, and then build around that adding only the scenes and dialogue essential to telling the story.
Kind Regards,
Nathan
I quite enjoyed that this was mainly just two guys sat around discussing the purpose of Art. There is definite mileage in that as an idea and I'd try to find a way to expand upon it.
But then, first the EMP tower idea and the awful (sorry...) ending seemed forced after a sedate setup. The last paragraph especially just felt like you didn't have an ending, or wanted a twist because it was a short story.
This is a great starting point for for something bigger. I don't know if it is too obvious, but I thought this might go down the route towards an epilogue, where the EMP plan actually worked. And then humans were so busy toiling the land and surviving that they didn't have time to create art any longer. So they built robots to do it for them...
Anyway, good luck!
Dean
I enjoyed lots of aspects of this story but I didnt enjoy some things as well. I like that its two men having a conversation, I enjoyed the simplicity of that but after a few pages of the main character looking around and being annoyed by everything I was bored and annoyed at him for being such a whiney baby. Maybe instead of describing everything around him, give him more depth or, if he is truly as shallow as he seems, reflect that more in his thoughts and in a conversation with his friend rather than his eyes rolling to and fro. That got tired fast for me.
I like the idea that he wants to shake things up and wake people up. That was well done but the transition from apathy to an idea was rushed and just didnt make sense for his character. The last paragraph of him being upset and needing an extension, while humorous, was totally not needed, it wasted words and served no purpose since we already know he's a lazy artist.
The paragraph with the robots thoughts was a good idea, I love a twisted ending like that but you perhaps should toss in some very subtle ques around that, maybe the robot does something out of character that causes them to pause...something so it doesnt seem so out of place.
Overall its a nice idea but it needs work to make it a great story. Keep writing!
There are some truly great ideas here, but I think they are crying out for a better story. I agree with Nathan that this is lacking in urgency and tension. I think that having Todd feel disaffected is fine, it's a fine way to introduce a note of disharmony in the utopia you have created. I like that he is passionate about art enough to want to shake up the system, and open people's eyes. Yet he comes across as little more than a petulant teenager shaking his fist at the world and declaring it unfair. There is never really the sense that he is clever enough or committed enough to carry out his plan. Yukon is a better character, but when he starts to get concerned by Todd's plan, this is at odds with when he points out that Todd is too lazy to carry it out. He'd be better off being completely inconcerned all the way through. The twist ending should be dropped. There is no context for the robot to come out with that. I can see why you've put it in, it's a neat counterpoint to Todd's lazy and ultimately unachievable goals. The only reason I'd leave it in is if I was changing the narrator to the robot server, and fill the narrative with disdain over the petty plans of the humans, and the pointlessness of their art.
You had me right up until the robot came to clean the table. otherwise, I think you've got a solid idea To tell the truth, I would be tempted to cut the robot's thoughts at the end entirely or thread more of its observations about the conversation throughout the story. Just mentioning that its still around, asking if they need drinks refilled or to have plates taken off the table. That way, you could add a more sinister note to the robot's character. Say, have Yukon notice a gather of machine's around them and react with some of the comments he makes already to dissuade his friend. Something like that would add a note of fear and apprehension to the story and reveal more about the true nature of what's going on without just telling us at the end.
Good work and keep at it!