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Slingshot in the sky
How It Rates
Description
An alien species that resides on a planet called Xargon wants a drug that Earth manufactures, but not for the same reasons that we use it.
Their reasons are stronger, much stronger...
Comments
I spotted typos right after I uploaded the story in all my excitement. Kills the reading experience. Too bad there isn't a way to edit or republish!
You can absolutely upload a new copy, there should be an "edit" tab at top left, I think. Go for it!
I have some suggestions too, if you're considering an update. You don't mention any character names for quite some time, and I really want to connect with a character, and get in someone's head more quickly and feel their emotion. I think the expository stuff also took power away from the action. If you give this story another pass, I'll be happy to take another read. :)
-g
Thanks for your feedback! Also just realized that I can upload a PDF like you did. Makes more sense. I added the narrative because the dialog would've lost its context really quickly without it. Will review and see if I can reposition or reduce it...
Cool, I bet you can find a good solution. :)
Oh, I reworked it!
Cool. Will take a look in the next day or so. Crazy busy today!
It was good, but the typos helped slow down the reading.
Thanks William! And ouch, thought I had weeded them all, will give another, thorough read...
Good concept, but I agree it could use some more refining. Maybe put a bit more focus on early characer development
First things first, I like the layout of your story even though it does not conform to one of the standard manuscript formats. One note though, it would probably read easier if you used a first line indent on your paragraphs.
You had a few word choice issues that caught my attention while reading. For instance, your use of "hatchet" to refer to a hatch or door rather than a small ax like tool. Issues of that nature can be very insidious to catch and are an area where a spell checker is pretty much useless. About the only ways I know to find them involve letting a story sit for a while or asking someone else to read a story for you.
The world you setup has a great deal of potential as does the situation for this story. It reminds me of E. E. "Doc" Smith and the Lensman series as far as style and epic nature go. I can easily see this you churning out a very enjoyable, classic "space opera" story from what you have here.
Unfortunately, I don't think you have enough room here to do it justice. For one, you're outright telling the reader way too much about what's going on in the prologue. Almost all of that information could be added to the meat of your story to much better effect. Have Zexon reporting back to his superiors what he's found on Earth, and then have them informing him of their plans to wipe out humanity and abandon him. That way you can pull your reader into the story world immediately and expose Xargons as the evil creatures they truly are. (or at least their leaders as such)
Whatever else you do with it, definitely don't abandon the world. I'd say this needs another couple of rounds of editing before it can shine. ;) You know what, as much work as I think the story needs, I think you've won me on the style (I really like 30~50 era space operas) and the world, have an up-vote. Good Work and Keep at it!
(If you do re-work/expand this at some point, let me know. The world really does look interesting!)
It was odd to see a prologue on such a short story. The world is good, and the backstory is understandable. I think for a short story I'd want to see more from before this segment. Why are Zexon on Coleman together? What threw them together? If Zexon is stronger, why not leave Coleman behind when he admits he wants to die? Why is Zexon stuck in the man-suit? Giving us more insight into these questions will make us care about the characters more. At the moment it is well paced, but I want to feel more invested in these people and their struggle. Definitely keep working at it - it has promise, and I think you could really do something good with this.