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Lucas Moreno's picture

Mad Credulity

By Lucas Moreno in Scare Us

How It Rates

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Description

One night while alone in his apartment, a man is visited by a childhood nightmare.

Comments

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. July 30, 2012 - 11:33am

That was an interesting read.  You've touched on an idea I've often found myself wondering about.  How on earth do those people avoid getting someone seriously injured or killed!  (I guess they don't film in Texas!)  It start's out a little rough though.   The opening has a very dictated, step by step feel that doesn't flow well.  It reminds me of that one Old Spice commercial with the guy telling you to look . . .  One other minor thing, it's a little difficult to weild anything of that length in a space as small as a hallway you would find in a home.

I'd say give it another few drafts and you've got yourself a pretty decent little story.

Lucas Moreno's picture
Lucas Moreno from East Tennessee is reading Blood Meridian, Game of Thrones, Notes From the Underground August 2, 2012 - 11:16am

Good points, ArlaneEnalra. Thank you! I don't personally know very many writers and I find it's almost impossible to get healthy critique on my stories from the people who read my writing. In truth, this is a shortened version of this story, I had to chop almost half of it off. I kinda like this condensed version, but I agree, it could use some polish! This version needed a different ending, and I added the bit with the baseball bat. I hadn't even thought about the hallway space constraint! Again, thanks for the comments!

ArlaneEnalra's picture
ArlaneEnalra from Texas is reading Right now I'm editing . . .. August 2, 2012 - 11:33am

You're quite welcome!

I've lived in quite a few apartments and found myself wondering about how to defend them if someone were to break in.  That and I've enough times where martial arts movies make a joke of the impossibilty of drawing a sword in a tight hallway that the idea is stuck in my head.  I can't say that I'm much of a writer myself, but hey, you've got to start somewhere ;)

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from Danville Virginia--now living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Kindred, by Octavia Butler August 2, 2012 - 5:25am

Very interesting premise. I have to say, I didn't really believe in your monster. But then with the twist at the end, it all made sense. All the noises were beginning to drive ME crazy, so that part was very effective.