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Liana's picture

Thirst

By Liana in Scare Us

How It Rates

Once you have read this story, please make sure you rate it by clicking the thumbs above. Then take a few minutes to give the author a helpful critique! We're all here for fun but let's try to help each other too.

Description

I'm not sure if we're allowed to revise (?) but I welcome comments and suggestions.

Comments

Max Crozier's picture
Max Crozier from Palm Springs is reading Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice July 11, 2012 - 4:18pm

I like your idea. The concept has potential and I liked your narrators want for answers and willingness to help that seems to make sense with a police officer.

I had trouble following your structure. It's told in first person but i feel the clarity of what's happening needs a little revision. Try reading it out loud to yourself.

Keep going. I look forward to reading you again.

Jane Wiseman's picture
Jane Wiseman from living outside of Albuquerque/in Minneapolis is reading Consider Phlebas, by Iain Banks July 11, 2012 - 6:53pm

So great, Liana! I love the ending. I think the story builds so nicely to its conclusion, too. The narrator gets more and more monstrous, and the image of the house works beautifully. I love, too, that we're seeing everything from inside the character.

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch July 31, 2012 - 3:29pm

Thanks Jane! I was a bit demoralized with this story, because I'm not much used to writing/reading this type of story and seeing the so-so ratings I didn't think I'd go back and rewrite it. But maybe I will (I have a few hours!)

Jack Campbell Jr.'s picture
Jack Campbell Jr. from Lawrence, KS is reading American Rust by Phillipp Meyer July 12, 2012 - 9:26am

I think the idea is good, but the story needs some revision. Language-wise, you used "was" a lot. I think the structure of the paragraphs is robbing you of some suspense. It is like some of the paragraphs are written backwards. One example is when your character goes out into the street and doesn't see any cars. It isn't until the end of the paragraph that we see what the point of the paragraph.

In fiction, I am generally in favor of putting setting items like that at the beginning of the paragraph so that you get a continueous flow of imagery for the reader. If you don't give me the set piece, then I am sort of in limbo setting wise until I get it.

I like the idea. I think it has potential. It just needs reworked a bit.

WesFord's picture
WesFord from America (CO, NE, NC, AK, NY, WA) is reading We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson, Portable Atheist by Hitchens, 20th Century Ghosts by Joe Hill July 30, 2012 - 6:04am

Liana,

That was fun and much different from the few other stories I've read in this contest.

I really enjoyed the ride. I wanted to keep reading so I could figure out what all was going on, you did a great job with that.

I agree with what Max and Jack said. There are some details that could be cleaned up and I think you'd definitely hear some flow issues when you read it out loud. I don't want to go into specifics because I know you're talented/smart enough to hear them when you read it out loud.

If you do a rewrite let me know. Or, you know, if you post something in the workshop, let me know that too.

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch July 31, 2012 - 11:03am

Thanks, that's encouraging! I was kind of giving up on the idea of revising because I thought I couldn't make it scary enough. But now that there are a few hours left and I got a couple more comments, I am reenergized and I'll try to submit a cleaner copy.

Ian's picture
Ian from Texas is reading Low Down Death Right Easy by J. David Osborne July 30, 2012 - 9:39am

Your monster is fantastic. It's an original blend of some classics and the POV makes it all the more unique. I also thought the "scream" was very good. It gave the monster a sort of desperate, confused quality. Loved your setting as well and I thought you worked it into your story in a smooth  and evolving way.

As others have pointed out, the structure is challenging. If you were going to try and improve your story, I don't know that you would have to actually revise so much as re-order. Your writing is (as always) very good.

I really enjoyed reading it.

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch July 31, 2012 - 11:05am

Thanks for the enthusiasm! I'll try to work on it before the deadline, so hopefully it will read in a more coherent way. I was pretty much ready to give up on the story but you guys have gave me new motivation!