Dan,

You have a terrific, thrilling story that has so many integeral reversals and reveals that propelled me through it, but there were a couple of small bits that stuck out.

Clearly, our narrator knows her way around a body and you offer two possible directions – either the vague comment earlier about spending time in a funeral home has something to do with her/her family’s profession or she grew up around a lot of people who died, perhaps violently.

Or she and Maya are in med school. A few more bread crumbs about how she knows her way around a body and has car jacking skills will only help solidify who she is as a character. Just tiny hints.  The breakneck pace of this story itself almost has you blow by those character nuggets without considering them but after sitting thinking about this story, it’s those inconsistencies that  lingered instead of just all the reasons why this was a kick ass story. 

I agree with some of the previous comments that have asked about the hows and whys that our protagonist knows when and where there is going to be a body ready to harvest. I’m of the less is more school of thought too, so it also might not be a bad thing to let the reader come to their own conclusions in this area.  It's a tough to balance ambiguity without being confusing. 

Once our protagonist gets to the hospital and wants to see Maya, there are a couple of elements that seem coincidental.  Maya is at the hospital either because she’s visiting her dad or she’s a student and her dad just happens to be a patient who needs a heart. It’ a great set up that the dad needs the heart and that the connected rival Art has enabled that to happen. Coincidents happen, but if you’re able to suggest earlier (unless I missed it after my re-read) that Maya has been pulled in lots of directions with her dad’s heath and/or med school it would help flesh out the climatic moment. Even if we get the hint that Maya’s dad is in the hospital earlier in the story, I don’t think that will take away from the impact of the moment when we realize who the heart is going help. 

I just want to be clear, this is a great story and man, I just flew through it, but it's just the small character bits that tripped up (at least for me) the wickedly paced thriller you have here. If there's anything more I can do, let me know. Good luck. 

Dan,

Beautifly written. Your character emotions are spot on. I like the relationship dynamic throughout the story, gives just enough of Kay and Maya's back story without revealing to much. 

Dan,

Nothing new here, as it seems the comments are fairly unanimous, but I really enjoyed your story. Just a few things to clear up that might make it more believable, however - you say that she basically rips the guy's heart out of his body, but honestly that would be impossible without severly damaging the organ. The aorta alone would never simply give away like that, and if someond were to rip a heart out of a body, it would be unusable.

Other than that, good job. You could maybe put a bit more backstory in regarding the relationship between the two girls, but at the same time I like when a story is left open to a bit of interpretation.

Good luck!

Those pages just seemed to fly by! The details with the body and heart removal were really gripping, and the ending really took me by surprise. Great pacing, and excellent characterization. I was only sad that it had to end so soon.
- LVK

Very well done.  Thoroughly enjoyed the story.  It was engaging and inventive.  The dialogue especially, but other elements as well (calling the guy Cigarillo for example) called to mind Elmore Leonard.

The story has a real pulse, and the ulterior motives of characters added some real depth.  The fact that neither Kay nor Art are really acting for Maya's father, only really trying to win Maya, gave real layers to feel (in fact, I guess Maya's father was something of a control freak and that Maya and Kay's relationship would have been frowned on). 

Loved the build at the opening, and there's some great throwaway lines ("Just late" was a particular favourite).  The splatterpunk-ish hunt for the heart was superb ("the heart can be a bitch when you're digging from the bottom" was particularly standout, suggesting this isn't the first time she's done this, and "starting a lawnmower" had a wonderful gruesome ring to it) and I felt you really came into your own here.  

If there are quibbles then they are very minor.  The "manikin arms being controlled by wires from across the room" didn't quite work for me.  I get the image, but I see mannequins as stiff, unmoving, whereas the image seems to need to evoke limp, weak arms.  Maybe marionette would be a more apt description.  But that's just me, and at the end of the day it's not my story.

Overall superb, one of the best I've read so far.

Many thanks for a great read

Scott

Dan,

So I didn't even attempt to read the comments because you have about a million and I'll therefore try to keep this brief because I'm sure you're quite tired of hearing the same thing over and over.

Loved the story. I used to live in a neighborhood very similar to the one you described and actually couldn't picture anything but my old neighborhood your description was so accurate. Kudos on that.

I did think the way she went about extracting the heart seemed a little... unprofessional. Not that I know anything about harvesting organs but I think the only place that tactic would fly would be in Repo the Genetic Opera.

Loved the Maya/Kay relationship and would've loved it even more if there was a tad more background specifically when it came to him. It'd be really interesting to me to know more about how he fucked things up between the women and I think he'd make a compelling mini villain.

Fantastic story! Great job. Good luck. You're a total winner.

Aud.

Wow, this was fun. The writing is superb in a sense that it drives the reader actually. The sense of urgency and the overall fast pace is very enjoyable (it took me a few minutes to read). As you focus only on one character, it was critical that you make her unique and you did that too.
Only a few flows would be that some of the parts are a bit too unrealistic. For an example, as a doctor who has done dissections on dead bodies I can tell it is actually impossible to remove a heart through the diaphragm without damaging it, and we go for a different route actually. There were some more parts unexplained like how she came to know about the death and other stuff, but all can be excused because the story has such a short scope. I would really love to see you work on a bigger project with these characters and on the same setting.
Another small problem for me was that I saw that ending coming since about 1/3rd into the story and would have loved a bit of a twist may be on some other aspect or may be a stronger punch line at least.
Please do take these criticisms as constructive because actually your story is one of my favorites so far in these contest. i really loved your prose style and your total command over your main character. Hopefully you will be one of the winners.

Lovely story, especially like the darkly ironic double entendre at the end. *Spoiler alert* Did not expect to see organ harvesting as one of the crimes featured in a story, and definitely did not expect to see a writer employ it and not overly exploit its graphical nature. Yet, you managed to weave an astoundingly emotional tale out of what could easily have been made into a cheap thrill in the hands of lesser writers. Bravo, Mr. Fiore!

Hi Dan, 

Wow looks like I'm a bit late to the party on this one, easy to see why this has so many positive reviews, it's quality. 

An intreseting subject matter, with character driven motives driving the plot towards a killer one liner at the end. 

Even handling the tricky descriptions on the actual organ harvest work without going overboard on the gure subject matter

Will defo be going back and reading the other stuff I've missed you've got in the workshop.

A thumbs up from me mate, 

Great work, Dan.

I can see how your story has become so popular. Your writing is beautiful and effectively "brings the action" in the first few scenes. Quick pacing makes this a really exciting read. I skimmed a few of the many reviews you've already received and saw that some people were confused about things towards the end. Personally, I thought the the ending was brilliantly executed and didn't find any ambiguity in it at all. Sorry that I don't have any sort of constructive criticism to add here. This is a pretty complete story as is. Thank you for submitting and good luck.

Dan:  This was a great story!  The short choppy paragraphs, inner dialogue and sirens wailing added to the suspense and need to speed.  I have no experience extracting hearts and thought your description was vivid. Love "like starting a lawn mower." 

There tone was consistent and your details about the run down neighborhood and the TV imparting a blue cast, added realism. 

This sums up "do anything for love".  I would like to know a bit about Kay's father.  The title is perfect adn the final sentense flawless. 

Keep writing.  I'm new to this site and feel I've learned a ton in a week. 

Sharon

Nothing I can say that hasn't been said already. Cracking story, the central hook was woven brilliantly into the main character's motivations, the tension moves from one of evading police to one between characters, unrequited or unfulfillable love and the intricacies of family relationships seamlessly. Tightly packed, not over-written. Can see why it's got so many likes! Thanks for the read, thumbs up!

Tom