starnessports's picture
starnessports from San Antonio November 9, 2011 - 10:05pm

please give honest feedback...i believe here i can get that from people who understand and know what they are talking about...please enjoy

 

It was a game, there was so much at stake and no one knew what to do except watch and listen. A whole country, OUR country, had been turned into one big game on the words of Zheng Lu. He had come on every channel on every TV, from the Times Square Jumbotron to the screens on the head rests in 1st class airlines. Zheng Lu broadcasted a message of hate at the start of primetime with the obvious intention of having every American hear the words that would end the U.S. as we knew it. While just 16% of Americans knew the Declaration of Independence, and even fewer knew who their state senator was, EVERYONE old enough to talk was mesmerized by Mr. Lu's word's. What he said would be remembered forever in this country we call home. At 6:59 pm, we were a happy, ignorant, blissfully self-absorbed America. One minute later.....
                    ONE MINUTE LATER
    We were staring at porcelain eyes, the kind that were cold, piercing, and dark. Behind this man was white nothingness, which made his sharp black eyes even more menacing. His facial expression for the first 10 seconds of quiet could burn a hole through the camera. It was a half smirk, half snarl that only people who get satisfaction out of others fear and pain can produce. Combine that with a scar-riddled face, freshly shaved head, and a 3 day old 5 O'clock shadow buried under a fu manchu, and we were frightened BEFORE he spoke.
    “Fear not Americans, for I will not harm you.” The wording of that sentence worried an entire nation, and for good reason.
    “You, however, will have no choice. If you desire your lives, you will inevitably do that for me.” The half smirk transformed into a full blown smile whose evil was overwhelmingly obvious.
    “My name is Zheng Lu, and I have been authorized by the Chinese government to collect your debt. Since the amount of money owed greatly exceeds your net worth, we're repossessing your land. All of it. However, that's not a satisfactory enough result for my bosses. So your going to play our little game, and non-compliance will result in hereditary extermination. That is to say everyone who shares your DNA, from mom to your 3rd cousin twice removed, will be executed immediately.” He paused briefly, his stare of death and pleasure would've had Idi Amin shitting himself and sucking his thumb.
    “The country formerly known as the United States is the most diverse and ethnically mixed bag in the world. However, there are 3 main groups of people that dominate most facets of your country. Caucasians, African Americans, and Hispanics account for over 85% of your population, and are the only participates in this game. China is the strongest nation on the planet, and we only want the best for our controlled settlement in 'New China'. If your in the 15% that isn't in the top 3 ethnic backgrounds, than safe passage here is guaranteed and food, water, and other essentials are awaiting your arrival. But, if you DO fall under those 3 categorizations then you have 269 days to prove to us who's the strongest. For you simpletons, the deadline for this game is July 4th, 2012. To be more specific in OUR definition of strongest, whatever race has the highest population will win. The prize for victory is getting a piece of land in New China, while the consequence of failure is extermination without mercy. It will be the most triumphant independence day for 1 race in America's history, while the two inferior races will be killed and thrown into the ocean to be devoured by the sea.” Another pause, Zheng Lu was loving every second of this.
    “The border's are now permanently closed, with no way of escape for the game's participates. Television will now consist of one program, an up-to-the-second population count divided into 3 races. All contact with the outside world is dead to you, as phones of all kinds are now disabled. Internet is also a past tense luxury.” He reached down and picked up his hat, dusted it off on his pants, and placed his military cap on his head. As he stood up to leave, he said, “Oh yeah, and all planes are crashed and ships are sunk startiiiinnnnnggggg...” then the feed went dark.

Mike Mckay's picture
Mike Mckay is reading God's Ashtray November 10, 2011 - 12:51am

Nicely done friend though I wouldn't use this input as the first chapter, maybe best off as the second or a prologue. Vivid details of Zheng Lu, reminds me of that arrogant President Snow in the Hunger Games trilogy I already sense the hate I'll have for Zheng Lu aswell. The, ONE MINUTE LATER caps at the end of the paragraph threw me off a little I'm not sure how anyone else but it swayed my focus for some reason. Zheng Lu's last quote, if this guy is going to 'reposses' the United States you want him to sound intelligent and authoritive. You already gave him that superior tone down but the last quote gives him off differently. Instead of, "Oh yeah', just put, 'Oh yes" finish it off with something more  like, 'and all remaining US aircraft that are currently flying have now been shot down along with your naval armada", something of that nature not that exactly (sorry for the terrible example)

I conclude this is indeed a smooth intro to a strong story, please keep us updated about your progress.

starnessports's picture
starnessports from San Antonio November 10, 2011 - 6:15am

thanks for the feedback, and i too was worried about the all caps one minute later...but didnt change it...i will look into the last quote..possibly, "Oh yes, and because we wouldn't want you running from the mess that YOU made, all aircrafts that are presently in the sky and all ships currently sailing the seas will be destroyed starting..." the feed died.