Dwayne's picture
Dwayne from Cincinnati, Ohio (suburbs) is reading books that rotate to often to keep this updated December 5, 2011 - 7:35am

I was just reading an article that I was a few paragraphs in before I realized it was about two men who are business partners, a different situation then two men who are dating. Is there currently a standardized term for homosexuals who are dating? I've heard "significant other" a lot locally, but I've been given to understand that can also mean anyone you are married/dating/engaged too. I've only seen "long time companion" in print, and "boyfriend"/"girlfriend" don't seem to be used much from homosexuals I've meet, but again maybe that is just local use.
I'm not trying to get into a debate/conversation about gay marriage, and even if it is legal in a given location I'm assuming there will still be gays who date before marriage.

Typewriter Demigod's picture
Typewriter Demigod from London is reading "White Noise" by DeLilo, "Moby-Dick" by Hermann Mellivile and "Uylsses" by Joyce December 5, 2011 - 8:05am

boyfried/girlfriend, that, or lover.  Anything else is media paranoia- "Oh noes, the gay people are fucking! Let's not use our straight person terms...."

Dwayne's picture
Dwayne from Cincinnati, Ohio (suburbs) is reading books that rotate to often to keep this updated December 5, 2011 - 8:10am

Well two things here. If it comes up I want to capture how people speak and those are not terms I hear used by them when they speak; second regardless of the reason behind someone using a term it does clarify things to know what they mean.

R.Moon's picture
R.Moon from The City of Champions is reading The Last Thing He Wanted by Joan Didion; Story Structure Architect by Victoria Lynn Schimdt PH.D; Creating Characters by the editors of Writer's Digest December 5, 2011 - 8:24am

I think 'partner' has been the standard for a while now. But, it is ambigious. Business partner? Tennis partner? I can't say for certain, but maybe the ambiguity is on purpose. I don't know because I don't have any gay friends to ask.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters December 5, 2011 - 8:33am

Well...what DO you hear them say?

postpomo's picture
postpomo from Canada is reading words words words December 5, 2011 - 8:40am

I've heard partner used more and more for homo- & heterosexual couples (dating, common-law, even married on occasion, although that's less common). I actually have heard partner used to refer to significant other far more than business associates.

lover is a different relationship than partner - more emphasis on the physical with lover, less on the couplehood outside of the boudoir (or wherever kids are "doing it" these days).

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. December 5, 2011 - 8:48am

Its usually partner or boyfriend. Sometimes if they are together long enough and not legally married they will say husband. Clive Barker says my husband and I think Neil Patrick Harris does. Ellen Degeneres is married I think so she says wife. Honestly it just depends on the person. If you have two people in an S&M relationship, its master and slave lol. Gay men like to identify if they are top, bottom or versatile before dating so the power dynamics are laid out ahead of time because two bottoms does not work. Despite trying to deny formal relationship dynamics, most people gay or straight usually need a dominant partner and a submissive one. Dominant doesn't always mean masculine, women can be dominant and sub doesn't have to mean feminine or weak. With women I am dominant, with men I am submissive because that's what turns me on. Any questions?

R.Moon's picture
R.Moon from The City of Champions is reading The Last Thing He Wanted by Joan Didion; Story Structure Architect by Victoria Lynn Schimdt PH.D; Creating Characters by the editors of Writer's Digest December 5, 2011 - 9:09am

Yeah... How come real life lesbians are not what you see on television or in porn? I mean Ellen isn't all that great, but shit Portia? She's fine. Lesbian porn? Jesus, where do they get these girls? But, in real life, the only lesbians I ever met beared a striking resemblance to Al from Home Improvement.

labels's picture
labels from texas is reading sophie's world by jostein gaarder December 5, 2011 - 9:25am

How come real life people aren't what you see on television or porn? 

Attractiveness is kind of in the job description most of the time.

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch December 5, 2011 - 10:21am

R.Moon, where do you live that you don't see any variety? Go to Boston (just a random example), you'll find lesbians of any shade of attractiveness that you can imagine.

Dwayne's picture
Dwayne from Cincinnati, Ohio (suburbs) is reading books that rotate to often to keep this updated December 5, 2011 - 10:59am

@averydoll - IRL I hear "friend" and "significant other" with the occasional "guy I'm expletive deleted". In media I don’t see those.

Rob's picture
Class Director
Rob from New York City is reading at a fast enough pace it would be cumbersome to update this December 5, 2011 - 11:15am

My friend Tony called his live-in boyfriend his "hus-friend" before they were allowed to get married. 

Now that they are married, it's just "husband." 

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters December 5, 2011 - 11:21am

"Friend" is what old ladies say.  As in, "That is Sam and his.....friend"

Dwayne's picture
Dwayne from Cincinnati, Ohio (suburbs) is reading books that rotate to often to keep this updated December 5, 2011 - 4:35pm

But I didn't say they were hip homosexuals, but I admit it does sound a bit old fashioned. Hence this thread. 

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Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig December 5, 2011 - 1:23pm

I hear partner most often. Many of the LBGT people I know don't like using "boyfriend/girlfriend" in their serious committed relationships because it carries the implication that the relationship isn't as serious as a marriage. I also know a fair number of people who use husband/wife if they have had a wedding ceremony, regardless of the legality in their state (or "fiance/fiancee" if they are patiently waiting for legislation).

Typewriter Demigod's picture
Typewriter Demigod from London is reading "White Noise" by DeLilo, "Moby-Dick" by Hermann Mellivile and "Uylsses" by Joyce December 5, 2011 - 1:38pm

Idk, most! LGBT people I know are uncloseted and don't particularly mind boyfriend/girlfriend etc. Maybe that's cause I'm like, four, seven more years younger then most of you, at the least. Aylee is at least twice as old as I am.

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ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig December 5, 2011 - 3:24pm

In my experience it doesn't have anything to do with being coy. But when you've been in a relationship for a long time, and can't get married "boyfriend" sounds silly.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters December 5, 2011 - 4:37pm

I'd also say "partner" is the most used term. 

.'s picture
. December 5, 2011 - 9:31pm

"Fuck buddy."

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. December 5, 2011 - 11:05pm

Yeah, I always liked on Six Feet Under when Brenda tells a character, "I prefer the term fuck puppet."  Have you really never been friends with any gay or bi people, Dwayne or Moon?  Most people know someone gay or bi at least.  As for the masculine versus feminine lesbian debate, it all just depends.  Never make assumptions because I have met some really queeny guys and it turns out they like to be the dom in the relationship.  Also really masculine dudes who you would never think are gay may like to be totally sub.  Women in porn films aren't really lesbians, they do it for cash.  Almost anyone will be bi for large amounts of money if you have no boundaries, there are even straight guys in gay porn who do it just for the money and pop a viagra before a shoot.  I believe everyone is bi to a certain extent, it's on the Kinsey scale, no one is completely gay or straight.  Even the most homophobic dude had to go through his androgynous phase pre-adolescence.  I have sucked off military dudes who swear to God they are straight or were married and just wanted head from a guy because they know guys do it better. 

This may be TMI but I also learned a lot about human sexuality behind the scenes working as a phone sex operator for a year.  I had to pretend to be different people, men, women, transsexuals, whatever the character was.  You had to be at least have 7 different characters you could become at any time and I was disturbed by how freaking weird people are.  So-called straight men had a thing for trannies.  Trannies are apparently the hottest thing in the world, you know chicks with dicks.  Then there were young guys who were like 18 who wanted to talk to 60 year old women and call them Grandma while we "phone fucked" and there was this guy who wanted me to be a dominant jock dude and call him names and rub my balls all over his face.   People are strange, that's all I can say.  I wrote a story about my phone sex career and put it on the previous version of this site lol

Dwayne's picture
Dwayne from Cincinnati, Ohio (suburbs) is reading books that rotate to often to keep this updated December 6, 2011 - 12:02am

@Alien - I'm sorry but I don't see what any of those experiences have to do with my question regarding what homosexuals in long-term relationships besides a marriage tend to call their partner when referring to them. Why bring them up at all, unless you were just going for shock value? I'm not trying to be confrontational here I just don't understand what you are getting at.

I'm sorry if I was somehow unclear, but I as I said in my orginal post yes I have known gays before and currenlty know other gays. And as I said the terms they tend to use for their partners do not reflect what I see in various media. Hence me posting in the help/questions section to see it that is a oddity cause by a variation in the local homosexual subculture (or maybe something else) or the media not matching up with how people actually speak.

As for the masculine vs. feminine lesbian debate, no one here mentioned that. What exactly are you talking about?

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Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig December 6, 2011 - 12:18am

I think Alien was responding to some of the comments made here. I don't necessarily agree with everything he said, but he's participating in the flow of the conversation. And yes, someone did say all the lesbians they know are butch. And that's incredibly ignorant and deserves to be addressed.

.'s picture
. December 6, 2011 - 5:38am

I forget how messed up people are until I read Alien's post. A friend of mine is into piss porn. He also likes to huff Lysol and cooking spray though so I think it's just his personality as a whole but still. I mean come on...piss porn? 

I digress. I was shocked at how many of my friends I realized were closet homosexuals. I knew them damn near my whole life but I guess I ignored the signs. It freaks me out. I'm tolerant, a little on the liberal side but I  even suspect my piss porn buddy is gay so I'm a bit jaded against humanity in its self, not just one group of people.

Maybe I need new friends though.  

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. December 6, 2011 - 6:50am

I think Moon was joking but he mentioned how attractive Ellen's wife was compared to her. I wasnt trying to be shocking, i was expanding on the subject matter so your thread didn't die. I do tend to go off on tangents sometimes, if you are offended i can remove my previous comment. You just seemed limited on your views of gay subculture so i was giving you some additional information i have learned from experience. I got my Bachelors in Psych and I am working on my Masters so I am fascinated by people including human sexuality. Again, sorry if I was crude. I honestly don't always have a gage for what is considered normal conversation.

.'s picture
. December 6, 2011 - 6:53am

No Damn It! Don't apologize! I curse self-censorship! What an ugly word.

 

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. December 6, 2011 - 6:54am

Jack, don't stop being friends with people just because they are gay. If they are hitting on you, set boundaries. People do have bizarre fetishes but then again what some people call normal is pretty depressing. Straight porn depresses me because the women look so bored and the guys look crazy lol

Dwayne's picture
Dwayne from Cincinnati, Ohio (suburbs) is reading books that rotate to often to keep this updated December 6, 2011 - 3:06pm

I'm not asking anyone to censor themselves, just edit for clarity.

ReneeAPickup's picture
Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig December 6, 2011 - 3:41pm

Editing for clarity? Hm.

This is the first thread I have seen go on a bird walk where anyone seemed upset about it. Bird walking is what makes a thread go beyond 5-6 posts.

What more is there to say on the original questions? People use any variety of terms to describe their relationship and it usually comes down to the nature of that relationship and how they personally feel about it.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters December 6, 2011 - 4:10pm

Also, we are a bunch of writers.  If we didn't go on tangents or tell stories it would be unnatural. 

David Shepherd's picture
David Shepherd from shepherdsville, KY is reading Idoru by William Gibbson December 6, 2011 - 4:48pm

I have always heard life partner so if I hear that I figure theyre gay.

.'s picture
. December 6, 2011 - 5:21pm

@Averydoll haha I wish I could use that as a signature.

Dwayne's picture
Dwayne from Cincinnati, Ohio (suburbs) is reading books that rotate to often to keep this updated December 6, 2011 - 5:25pm

I've always wanted Silent Bob to be my hetero life partner.

Dan's picture
Dan from Santa Monica, CA is reading Beautiful You by Chuck Palahniuk December 6, 2011 - 5:35pm

I've asked this exact same question to a few gay men I know or met.

One said if he was in LA, he would always say "this is my partner." If out of LA, he would always say, "this is my friend."

Also, another gay friend told me that "boyfriend" is used only when dating. Becoming "partners" in his opinion, requires a long intimate conversation of what is expected from each other and is as close to getting married a gay couple could get.

Both answers were given years ago, before Prop 8 and all that stuff.

If married, I would assume "husband" would suffice.

So many gay couples rushed to get married before the voting of Prop 8. I remember gay guys complaining about all the money they had to drop on going to weddings in the months before the voting. But I guess it was worth it, because it passed (for the time being).

Oh, California.

ReneeAPickup's picture
Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig December 6, 2011 - 5:38pm

Dan--i'm confused by your last paragraph? You mean it was worth them rushing because they got in the legal window?

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters December 6, 2011 - 6:53pm

@Jacks - well you can't.  :P

.'s picture
. December 6, 2011 - 7:34pm

Fine, I'll quote you than on facebook sometime.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters December 6, 2011 - 7:45pm

FIne.  I can't just give this stuff away!  I only have a set number of good lines in me. 

.'s picture
. December 6, 2011 - 7:49pm

@Doll You should write a book of quotes. What is your name again by the way? I have a terrible memory.

 

So is it gay if you let a dude suck you off? I mean I'm not talking out of personal experience but I'm surprised nobody has asked this yet. The Hells Angels didn't seem to think so. Via Thompson's book if you need a citation. Well, I say it's gay. But how gay is it?

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters December 6, 2011 - 7:57pm

What is your name again by the way?

Who sent you? 

David Shepherd's picture
David Shepherd from shepherdsville, KY is reading Idoru by William Gibbson December 6, 2011 - 9:10pm

@jack It's still sexual relations with the same sex so yeah. Even a handy j would qaulify i think, if you dont have it in you your just not going to touch another mans penis in a sexual way. I think a better question would be if you see a guy sucking off another guy and get turned on are you gay?

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. December 6, 2011 - 9:54pm

I think a guy can be "straight" in his mind and still get sucked off by another guy.  Again, Kinsey scale, guys.  1-6, one being completely hetero, six being completely homosexual, 3 is bisexual.  Everyone falls into varying degrees.  So if you enjoy sex with a guy but would rather be in a relationship with a woman only, are you bi or straight or bicurious?  You would be surprised how many guys consider themselves straight but have gay experiences.  Haven't you ever heard the expression, "There are no straight men in a foxhole"? lol  In other words, if you were about to die in a zombie apocalypse and  you had one last chance for a sexual fling, would you tell the guy, "I can't, I'm a one on the Kinsey scale" or you would you just let him suck you off?   (Wow, this conversation got weird.  It's Dakota's fault)

David Shepherd's picture
David Shepherd from shepherdsville, KY is reading Idoru by William Gibbson December 6, 2011 - 11:02pm

I think things just got to complicated once they brought in the whole bi aspect, people aren't even satisfied with fucking one gender now, we have to do both. If I was about to die in a zombie apocalypse I'd be damned if I didn't go out balls deep in a zombie though. "hey how did you die?"
"I died serving my country."
"I died protecting my child."
"I died fucking a zombie."
It would just be to crazy to pass up.

R.Moon's picture
R.Moon from The City of Champions is reading The Last Thing He Wanted by Joan Didion; Story Structure Architect by Victoria Lynn Schimdt PH.D; Creating Characters by the editors of Writer's Digest December 6, 2011 - 11:12pm

Who sent you? 

- HAHA

@Liana: I live near Pittsburgh, in a small town. There are tons of homosexuals around here, I just don't know them.

I've had gay friends. I knew a guy in Florida, gayer than the night is dark, who was one of the coolest dudes I ever met. Watched him kick the crap outta some guy twice his size. Football player or some shit. Knocked his fucking teeth down his throat. I was blown away. Totally changed my view of gay men. But lesbians... I'm just saying that in real life, I have yet to see hot lesbians. I've known a few, and trust me, they were hard on the eyes. Have you seen Rosie's girlfriend? I mean come on, it's obvious money is the motivation in that relationship. And I wasn't joking, Portia De Rossi is fine.

R.Moon's picture
R.Moon from The City of Champions is reading The Last Thing He Wanted by Joan Didion; Story Structure Architect by Victoria Lynn Schimdt PH.D; Creating Characters by the editors of Writer's Digest December 6, 2011 - 11:15pm

There are a lot of people from Kentucky on the site. You're all fucking crazy, and I mean that in the most endearing, lovable way. I wouldn't want it any other way. :)

David Shepherd's picture
David Shepherd from shepherdsville, KY is reading Idoru by William Gibbson December 6, 2011 - 11:30pm

I grew up with hardcore Christians as parents and being from Kentucky to is just like a double dose of crazy. I know families here who still fuck eachother. I'm serious you ever want to know what it feels like to be in deliverance go to hazard Kentucky. Theres more meth addictions and incest than there are toothbrushes there. There is literally a creek where the entire community dumps their sewage. They call it shit creek and people swim and fish in it. With things like that here the chances of growing up sane are very slim.

.'s picture
. December 7, 2011 - 2:42am

@Doll Now I know what it must have felt like to talk to Hunter Thompson.

 

I've noticed a lot of people from Kentucky walk a weird way. Their feet point a different way. Every way but straight. I think too much inbreading.

 

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters December 7, 2011 - 4:47am

@ Jacks - Glad I could help you there!

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. December 7, 2011 - 6:47am

Inbreading? Is that when white and wheat bread make love?

.'s picture
. December 7, 2011 - 7:54am

SHIT. Yes thats what it is.

ReneeAPickup's picture
Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig December 7, 2011 - 11:50am

I think the Kinsey scale is kind of bullshit. Sexuality as a linear concept? We're human beings, so much more plays into it than our genitals. I think it's a lot more fluid and complex than Kinsey made it out to be, and I know the Kinsey Scale has been heavily criticized.

Anyway, no, I don't think getting your dick sucked by a guy makes you gay or bi. I think it means you like blowjobs. If a man fucks his wife in the ass, does that mean he's gay, because he likes anal? No, of course not. We have sex for pleasure, and I think a lot of people experiment with all sorts of things through out their life. Being gay or bi has much more to do with the attraction beyond the body parts. I wouldn't call a man gay if they liked anal, but couldn't ever see themselves in a romantic relationship with a man. He's just a guy that's into anal, IMO. And if porn is any indicator, there are guys out there that enjoy getting fucked in the ass by a woman wearing a strap on. So...

 

missesdash's picture
missesdash from Paris is reading The Informers December 7, 2011 - 11:57am

I've read a few studies that suggest female sexuality is much more fluid than male sexuality. Something lime 3/4 of the lesbians in the study either had identified as another orientation or did within a year of the study. Sort of similar, it's been shown that we have a much wider range of images that cause arousal (intentional and unintional) than men so, regardless of orientation. In the study on that, very few men responded to images of animals having sex, but most of the women did. Women also responded to two men, two women and sensual pictures of individuals.

Basically, I don't really think the Kinsey scale applies to men. That's just my opinion obviously. I really think sexuality should stop being viewed in terms of gender and instead we should have a word for someone attracted to men and another word for someone attracted to women. Makes more sense.