"I'm on my period."
"He was so hairy, she was pulling pubes out of her teeth for a week."
"He turned her over gently and sodomized her without lube."
"The sex would have been better if she was conscious."
"The cocaine made it hard for him to keep an erection"
"He lifted up his fat roll and penetrated her."
"Through the window, the neighborhood children watched."
"I'm pregnant."
"I think we should get a divorce."
Your turn!
She took out her dentures, and gave the best "gummer" he'd ever had.
"Just so you know, I'm lactating."
After lifting her skirt over her hips, he was now face to face with the largest boil he had ever seen, right there on her thigh. Looking at him.
"Okay, now slide it... no, not there- to the- no, to the left. the other left. Can you, just, move your hand from under. No, I liked that, not that hand the other left. No the OTHER left."
I couldn't tell if the stench was from her unwashed vagina or the oozing herpes lining her asshole. No matter it's source I shoved my hands into her and scooped out handful after handful of a pudding like substance that I was sure was some sort of rancid cum.
She wasn't sexy at all. In other words, I didn't want to have sex with her. The whole thing was entirely unerotic.
"Her purple lips were as small as a humming birds vagina, but now nanna's mouth looked like an ice ring doughnut..."
"With each thrust she let out a yelp of ecsacy... and her wagging tail carressed my chest"
"Most like it doggy style, but if you flip the sheeps hoofs over your shoulders, you don't have to miss out on all that kissing"
From my book 'Malice in Blunderland:
'Her genitals had thick industrial lips, like pickled cow tongues. You could stick both your hands in there and still have enough room to shuffle a deck of cards'
Panting, eyes squeezed shut, he told her, "This is way better than how we did it in prison."
The absinthe was wearing off. Just before I came I realized I was fucking Rosie O'Donnel.
@Jonny: The sheep one was fucking hilarious! Shit. No pun intended.
@David--again, disgustingly genius.
@Jonny-love the one from your book. I'll definetly be picking up a copy as soon as I get some money rolling in.
@utah--Rosie O'Donell, thats horrifying. Even lesbians don't find her attractive.
Jake tucked his jeans in his boots so he could put the sheep's legs in his boots to prevent it from escaping it's fate.
I pulled out and her sphincter loosened, letting out a baritone fart followed by a lost anal bead that blocked a month's worth of stockpiled shit. The shit stained my brand new white nikes and the tape couldn't keep her nut sack taped to her stomach.
Yeah, well baby brontosauruses probably didn't find T Rex all that attractive either. Didn't keep T Rex from eating them.
Extrapolate.
Vomit.
He bent her over to take her from behind, lifting her firm, smooth ass.
"Let's do anal," she said, "I'm really constipated."
He unbuckled his pants to show her his gargantuan member, it was throbbing.
She started to laugh, "That's it, really?"
Dave stripped down the two twins and exposed their large silicone breasts.
They giggled and undid his pants.
They paused for a moment, "We have oral herpes, is that okay?"
"But you know what really turns me on is scabies."
"Let me just insert this Harry Potter DVD to get in the mood."
One more....
We went to the bedroom and she stroked my cock through my jeans then took off her top, showing me her firm tits. I started to suck on them and she moaned, stroking me off. She took off my pants and exposed my thick cock, took it in her mouth and swirled her tongue around the tip.
"You like that?" She said.
"Oh yeah."
"So did your Dad."
"Mom, stop!"
The teacher closed the blinds of the blinds of the creche "ok children, this game is called 'Who's mouth am i in"
He thought she was turned on this time, as she was wet. Then he noticed her cyst had burst.
Ok, so there was a smell of rotting onions, but there was no way Grandpa would let him eat his ass if he were still alive.
"Fuckin help me!" My manager screamed at me, rubbing his penis furiously into his ex-wife's latte. Red faced and sweaty he stopped and closed the door. The supply closet door clicked from being locked and I walked back to the counter.
"Can I get extra creamer in my latte?" The woman said.
"I think that can be arranged." I say.
At one of the tables, a yuppie sips his coffee and leaves it at the table before walking out. I still need to grocery shop and pay off the rest of my student loans but that will have to wait. My manager's ex-wife stares at me, staring at the empty tip jar.
