Dorian Grey's picture
Dorian Grey from Transexual, Transylvania is reading "East of Eden" by John Steinbeck May 1, 2012 - 2:52pm

I just finished The Godfather by Mario Puzo, and when I got to the part where Sonny bangs Lucy Mancini at the wedding, I felt like I was transported into a dime-store romance novel.

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. May 1, 2012 - 3:11pm

I prefer to keep my stuff classy.

"His manly phallus penetrated her womanly divide with such fervor that even the neighbors would remark that they had certainly made a spectacle of one's self. Once orgasm was acheived, they lay down firmly and waited for fertilization to occur. He offered to make her a spot of tea and she dressed herself quickly and complied."

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. May 1, 2012 - 3:15pm

Or really crude...

"His huge cock went in her fuckhole and slammed so deep that her pussy made farting noises. It was like a slush factory down there and the sheets were drenched in semen and pussy juice. He pulled out of her cunt and stuck it in her asshole raw. She moaned like a whore in heat then she took his shit covered prick in her mouth and she sucked every last chunk of spunk out of his collosal meat stick."

bryanhowie's picture
bryanhowie from FW, ID is reading East of Eden. Steinbeck is FUCKING AMAZING. May 1, 2012 - 3:48pm

.'s picture
. May 1, 2012 - 4:16pm

Where does one find one of these? Besides the local gas station.

Howard Litchfield's picture
Howard Litchfield from Bristol UK is reading Jay McRoy - Japanese Horror Cinema May 1, 2012 - 4:28pm

Over here, we have actually have an award for bad literary sex - you can read last year's nominations here . By strange coincidence the Christos Tsiolkas one mentions slush.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters May 1, 2012 - 4:45pm

I really want a slushie now.

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter May 1, 2012 - 4:48pm

I want a slushie with a fat pepperoni straw.

ReneeAPickup's picture
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ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig May 1, 2012 - 7:06pm

I like the one in The Gunslinger, he writes that she puts her hand on her "belly" and talks about her masturbating...her belly.

 

I don't know if i've been doing it wrong, but rubbing my belly has never really done much for me.

wickedvoodoo's picture
wickedvoodoo from Mansfield, England is reading stuff. May 3, 2012 - 3:50am

I mentioned this in another thread, but the 'unnecessary sex scenes' in many horror books are pretty darn laughable.

King actually does it better than most horror authors, and thankfully avoids it a lot of the time. From what I've read of Ketchum, he isn't too bad either.

But try Richard Layman. Or James Herbert. Damn those two get cringeworthy. I used to read Layman's stuff when I was younger but gave up on him, largely because of the repetitive and frankly lame sex stuff. 

Clive Barker is another. Though he is a damn fine writer of suspense so I let him off with it.

Howard Litchfield's picture
Howard Litchfield from Bristol UK is reading Jay McRoy - Japanese Horror Cinema May 3, 2012 - 5:13am

Oh yeah - James Herbert - I remember copies of Lair and The Fog being passed round the playground at school. You could always find the sex scenes and gory bits no problem because they always automatically fell open at those pages. Never looked at a pair of garden shears the same way again.

Sean May's picture
Sean May from Indianapolis, IN is reading Writing Down The Bones May 3, 2012 - 6:19am

I've always found sex scenes in books to be more than a little strange, and awkward. It seems like any kind of talent the writer has just dissolves when their characters jump into bed. In my writing, I prefer to show the lead-up and the aftermath, but skip the actual sex...I really don't want to work out how big my protagonist's dick is, to be honest, and I think the actual plot point that the sex represents can be explained more than sufficently before and after the act instead of the narrator having a revelation that she's in love with her lab partner while getting railed on top of a gurney, in exacting detail.

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter May 3, 2012 - 7:39am

I read somewhere about sex being more about how it affects the characters than it is about the act itself.  It's just not something that reads off a page the same way it looks on camera.  The simpler, the better, and that's always the way I write my sex scenes. 

As for some laughable ones I've come across...sadly I haven't found many. :(

ReneeAPickup's picture
Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig May 3, 2012 - 10:05am

I just did the sex and death class here on LitReactor with Lidia Yuknavitch and it has really, really changed how I view sex in my own writing. I always focused on the before and after, and the emotions--but finding ways to connect the emotions to the body is a really amazing experience as a writer, and hopefully it translates to a wonderful experience for the reader.

That said, I'm still mostly against sex for sex's sake in books. It seems like it is often used to spice up a "boring" part of the narrative or thrown in because we need some concrete way to know these characters have fallen for each other. Laaaammmmmme. The sex scenes should do the same thing every other scene does, move the story forward, build your characters, give some meaning. Not just happen. Especially since it's rarely done in a way that is really going to get the reader's panties wet.

jyh's picture
jyh from VA is reading whatever he feels like May 3, 2012 - 1:21pm

I'm going to write a sex scene.  Here goes --

The clocks stopped at 1:17. A long sheer of light and then a series of low concussions.

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. May 3, 2012 - 1:57pm

I purposely write my sex scenes as awkward and disgusting. Mostly because I feel that way before and after sex.

Dwayne's picture
Dwayne from Cincinnati, Ohio (suburbs) is reading books that rotate to often to keep this updated May 4, 2012 - 7:44am

I don't write sex, just cuddling. 

 

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter May 4, 2012 - 9:33am

Christian cups the side of my head, and I run my tongue over the tip, tasting the small bead of dew on the end.

I've been reading this all day.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters May 4, 2012 - 9:41am

Beka - thanks for wasting my whole day.  Sincerely. 

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter May 4, 2012 - 10:11am

"Hold tight, baby,” he murmurs, and magically produces a foil packet that he holds in front of my mouth. I take it between my teeth, and he tugs, so that between us, we rip it open.

I get the whole idea that there's a lack of the use of contraceptives in fiction sex scenes, but just like real life, there's just no way to make it sexy.

Also, you're welcome, Avery.

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter May 4, 2012 - 10:11am

Also, how do you murmer the words "hold tight"?

bryanhowie's picture
bryanhowie from FW, ID is reading East of Eden. Steinbeck is FUCKING AMAZING. May 4, 2012 - 10:23am

Sexy condom use:

"Don't move," I said, reaching over to the nightstand.  I mounted her stomach and slid over her until my dick lodged in her throat.  Not down her throat, but stabbed her in the throat.  She choked and, I hope, instinctively struck out in response to the sudden penile attack.  She slapped my junk, ringing my balls together like a clapper.  

I was undeterred.  I pulled out the condom as she grabbed her neck and made the universal sign for choking.  I pulled the slippery condom over my cock, feeling the first contractions of an orgasm from the manual stimulation, and said, "You ready to rock?"

bryanhowie's picture
bryanhowie from FW, ID is reading East of Eden. Steinbeck is FUCKING AMAZING. May 4, 2012 - 10:25am

I guess what I'm saying is that when I reach for a condom I don't say "Hold tight."  I say, "Move and I'll stab you with my dick."

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter May 4, 2012 - 10:26am

Ugh, the dialogue!

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter May 4, 2012 - 10:27am

Don't try to make unsexy things sexy:

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string – what?! – and gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck.

 

 

bryanhowie's picture
bryanhowie from FW, ID is reading East of Eden. Steinbeck is FUCKING AMAZING. May 4, 2012 - 10:32am

Yup, that guy sucks.  You only EVER pull out a tampon with your teeth.  That's fucking LOVE!

Pretty Spry for a Dead Guy's picture
Pretty Spry for... May 4, 2012 - 10:55am

@JY
That was brilliant.

@Howard
I've always heard Guterson was particularly bad at sex scenes. "You're my only" and such.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters May 4, 2012 - 11:00am

It’s only just not painful.
Fifty Shades of Grey, p. 233.

Ah.

 

I see.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters May 4, 2012 - 11:06am

No fisting, you say. Anything else you object to?” he asks softly.
I swallow.
“Anal intercourse doesn’t exactly float my boat.”
“I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia. But we’ll wait for that. Besides, it’s not something we can dive into,” he smirks at me. “Your ass will need training.”
“Training?” I whisper.
“Oh yes. It’ll need careful preparation.
Fifty Shades of Grey, p. 186.

I can't stop laughing.  

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter May 4, 2012 - 11:07am

I love that one.  It's so terrible.

bryanhowie's picture
bryanhowie from FW, ID is reading East of Eden. Steinbeck is FUCKING AMAZING. May 4, 2012 - 11:26am

I bet he fists her.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters May 4, 2012 - 11:41am

It seems inevitable.

His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.
 

I might never feel bad about anything I write ever again.  I'm CURED!

 

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter May 4, 2012 - 11:44am

When you have to try that hard to describe how sexy a dude's voice is, it's just not worth it. 

 

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter May 4, 2012 - 11:52am

Also, the Christian Grey flavoured popsicle line is the worst thing ever because it makes no sense.  Maybe if it was "Christian Grey flavoured corn dog" would be more appropriate...because hard dicks are usually warm, not ice cold.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters May 4, 2012 - 11:59am

Yes.  Also, when i suck a popsicle it generally shrinks.  Right? 

 

 

That is all. 

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter May 4, 2012 - 12:37pm

There's this British show called "Pulling" about three single women in their 30's that used to be on Netflix, and in one episode this girl approaches a friend about a business idea to make cock popsicles called "Cockloleeze".  There isn't even a clip of it on the Internet that I can find.

It makes me so sad.

Dave's picture
Dave from a city near you is reading constantly May 4, 2012 - 12:40pm

I'm going to go take a cold shower.

 

 

Thanks.

ReneeAPickup's picture
Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig May 4, 2012 - 12:47pm

I'm....

I...

uh...um...

WHAT THE FUCK?

Howard Litchfield's picture
Howard Litchfield from Bristol UK is reading Jay McRoy - Japanese Horror Cinema May 4, 2012 - 6:37pm

@Bret - Oh aye, never read any Guterson, but I'm sorely tempted after that extract just for laughs. I mean:

" Apollo with his modest marble membrum virile, otherwise known, in her village, as a skin flute"

Hmm, might try "skin flute" on the bloke in a romantic moment just to see if he can keep a straight face.

@Avery - I can see that 50 Shades... becoming the erotica equivalent of The Eye of Argon.

@Beka - Pulling was outstanding, excruciating humour of humiliation. Critics loved it, got nominated for awards, audience loved it, so of course the BBC, um, cancelled it. Twats.

ReneeAPickup's picture
Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig May 4, 2012 - 8:47pm

OMFG, Bek. I am addicted to that blog. I am cracking up over the "come on girls, let's throw some shapes!" quote.

Bekanator's picture
Bekanator from Kamloops, British Columbia is reading Ugly Girls by Lindsay Hunter May 4, 2012 - 10:06pm

Is the author of 50 Shades British?

@Howard - The cancellation of Pulling is a sad thing.  There were a couple of decent moments in the "special" they made to finish the story lines, but overall it was disappointing. 

ReneeAPickup's picture
Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig May 4, 2012 - 11:28pm

She is.

 

jyh's picture
jyh from VA is reading whatever he feels like May 5, 2012 - 8:32am

EDIT - for some reason this video of Dr Drew vs Some Cougars over 50 Shades won't post.

bryanhowie's picture
bryanhowie from FW, ID is reading East of Eden. Steinbeck is FUCKING AMAZING. May 5, 2012 - 8:33am

I've written a few sex scenes... two of which I think work pretty well.  One of which is... messy.  But very literary.  Yup.  Lit-err-a-turrre.

Batflower's picture
Batflower from Stillwater, Oklahoma is reading A Clash of Kings by George R. R. Martin May 5, 2012 - 10:20am

I've been considering writing erotica to pay off student loans and I was worried I'd have to invest actual money to research this Fifty Shades thing. Now I can spend that money on the alcohol I'm going to need to be able write sex scenes. Thanks, Bekanator!

Batflower's picture
Batflower from Stillwater, Oklahoma is reading A Clash of Kings by George R. R. Martin May 5, 2012 - 10:23am

He runs his teeth along my chin

 

HAWT

ReneeAPickup's picture
Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig May 5, 2012 - 11:07am

JY--is it on youtube? Because it sounds like something I need to see.

jyh's picture
jyh from VA is reading whatever he feels like May 5, 2012 - 12:56pm

SpStrk - Yes it is.  And when you asked I remembered I could just put up a link

Dr. Ravani Durvasula seems especially fired up.

ReneeAPickup's picture
Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig May 5, 2012 - 2:05pm

I love Dr. Drew. I always DVR his show and then forget to watch it. I read the entirety of that blog Bek posted, and from what I can see, he is right. I know a few people who are into BDSM and I don't have a problem with it, I think it can be fun to experiment with--but excusing an adult woman sexually abusing a vulnerable teenager because the teenager grows up to be a "great lover" is...well...not okay.

Batflower's picture
Batflower from Stillwater, Oklahoma is reading A Clash of Kings by George R. R. Martin May 5, 2012 - 3:04pm

I read the comments on that video and the outraged housewives made me both chuckle and want to end humanity. That's what I get for reading comments on YouTube. . .

Alex Kane's picture
Alex Kane from west-central Illinois is reading Dark Orbit May 5, 2012 - 3:16pm

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the great William Gibson (never really sure what I think of this one -- it's at once both great and laughably awful):

Now she straddled him again, took his hand, and closed it over her, his thumb along the cleft of her buttocks, his fingers spread across the labia. As she began to lower herself, the images came pulsing back, the faces, fragments of neon arriving and receding. She slid down around him and his back arched convulsively. She rode him that way, impaling herself, slipping down on him again and again, until they both had come, his orgasm flaring blue in a timeless space, a vastness like the matrix, where the faces were shredded and blown away down hurricane corridors, and her inner thights were strong and wet against his hips.