David Paul's picture
David Paul from Greenwich, CT is reading The Raw Shark Text January 3, 2012 - 8:19am

If some of your favorite authors had penned this supernatural love-triangle, here is how it would have read:

http://io9.com/5872490/if-famous-writers-had-written-twilight

Fylh's picture
Fylh from from from is reading is from is reading is reading is reading reading is reading January 3, 2012 - 8:20am

I was hoping for actual pastiche. Ah well.

Dwayne's picture
Dwayne from Cincinnati, Ohio (suburbs) is reading books that rotate to often to keep this updated January 3, 2012 - 9:18am

Very funny, good find.

PopeyeDoyle's picture
PopeyeDoyle from Rio Grande Valley, TX is reading Chronology of Water January 3, 2012 - 9:23am

Cormac McCarthy

In the opening scene, Edward dashes Bella's head against a rock and rapes her corpse. Then he and Jacob take off on an unexplained rampage through the West.

LOL - Sounds about right.

Flaminia Ferina's picture
Flaminia Ferina from Umbria is reading stuff January 3, 2012 - 9:44am

If a random facebook user had written Twilight:

 

Fylh's picture
Fylh from from from is reading is from is reading is reading is reading reading is reading January 3, 2012 - 9:53am

The pity is that the article begins by telling us that "When you get right down to it, the trouble is that the writing is terrible" — but instead of providing us with examples of how other famous writers might have written Twilight, it just picks the most obvious aspects of other authors' writing and merges them with Twilight. Kind of frustrating.

Profunda Saint-Sylvain's picture
Profunda Saint-... from Calgary, AB is reading Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy Series January 3, 2012 - 9:58am

That was cute. My favourite was the Dr Seuss one.

jl85's picture
jl85 from originally East Tennessee now Southern California is reading everything I can January 3, 2012 - 6:02pm

I really like the Cormac McCarthy one lol.

R.Moon's picture
R.Moon from The City of Champions is reading The Last Thing He Wanted by Joan Didion; Story Structure Architect by Victoria Lynn Schimdt PH.D; Creating Characters by the editors of Writer's Digest January 3, 2012 - 9:10pm

'Edward saves me from a runaway van, after that Edward's pushing his cock in my muff and saying, the first step to eternal life is you have to be bitten.'

- Chuck Palahniuk (added by R.Moon)

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. January 3, 2012 - 9:16pm

If it was Anne Rice, Bella would have had a hot threeway with Edward and Jacob and then they would have experimented with each other....and her father would have been watching from inside the closet.  LITERALLY!

I would guess at how Stephen King would write it but he wouldn't.  He doesn't write romance or relationships that much and he views vamps as monsters like in Salem's Lot.  In other words, he is a real horror writer.

Laramore Black's picture
Laramore Black from Joplin, Missouri is reading Mario Kart 8 January 4, 2012 - 7:47am

"Within my book Edward the vampire was obviously the sparkling entity of the cliche macho male depicted in American television, that is quite literally sucking the life out of our young females today. Bella depicts the new aged women that are sexist against themselves. Jacob is the nice guy that is always there, but overlooked because he is not a glorified douche. Just like I had foreseen, the kids of today just ate this trash up"

- George Orwell, Twilight

Dave's picture
Dave from a city near you is reading constantly January 4, 2012 - 10:43am

'Edward saves me from a runaway van, after that Edward's pushing his cock in my muff and saying, the first step to eternal life is you have to be bitten.'

- Chuck Palahniuk (added by R.Moon)
 

LOVE IT!

 

Typewriter Demigod's picture
Typewriter Demigod from London is reading "White Noise" by DeLilo, "Moby-Dick" by Hermann Mellivile and "Uylsses" by Joyce January 4, 2012 - 3:50pm

"After Edward's torn out my trachea with his   teeth and fucked the hole, and as the cum spurts out of my mouth, I'm thinking: So this is what love is."

-Danny Gonzales

 

:D

Nighty Nite's picture
Nighty Nite from NJ is reading Grimscribe: His Lives and Works January 4, 2012 - 5:39pm

Mark Z. Danielewski

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. January 4, 2012 - 9:52pm

@Nighty Nite--That was so spot on. Fuckin' Danielewski.  I know people like him on here but I hate the way he writes.

@Typewriter--you are terrible!  Thanks! lol  I'm glad I have my own distinctive style of grotesque.

 

Actually I would write it like this:

"Touch him," Bella said as she watched and pleasured herself.

Edward put his cold, dead fingers on Jacob's nipple and stroked him. Jacob trembled from the dead flesh touching him, feeling a bit like a necrophiliac but also felt himself flush with excitement as his cock grew and throbbed angrily against his thigh.

"I want to watch you guys fuck," Bella said and spread her legs.

Suddenly Edward's sparkly skin grew extra twinkly and he bared actual fangs like a real vampire and ripped into Jacob's throat. Jacob cried out in shock and excitement, his ab muscles tightening. He started to transform into a lycan, half-man, half-wolf, Edward took him from behind and ran his hands over his taut flesh. "Would you die for me?" he asked.

"I would die for both of you," Jacob whispered and Edward ripped open the flesh of his wrist, blood dribbling down.  "Drink and become a were-pire," he said.  Bella fingered her clit and moaned as her nipples hardened.

 

Bisexual porn. That's what it would end up as.

R.Moon's picture
R.Moon from The City of Champions is reading The Last Thing He Wanted by Joan Didion; Story Structure Architect by Victoria Lynn Schimdt PH.D; Creating Characters by the editors of Writer's Digest January 4, 2012 - 9:58pm

I'm not sure that's bi-sexual... Maybe tri-sexual? We've got half-man half-wolf getting it on with a vampire... Personally, I'd like to see Alice in the corner, legs spread, her fingers searching for the meaning of life. But, that's just my opinion.

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. January 4, 2012 - 10:05pm

I think it's technically necrophiliac beastiality, that is so something I would write about.

I'll tell you what, you let me have the hot threeway and you can have Alice and Bella having lesbian sex together.

R.Moon's picture
R.Moon from The City of Champions is reading The Last Thing He Wanted by Joan Didion; Story Structure Architect by Victoria Lynn Schimdt PH.D; Creating Characters by the editors of Writer's Digest January 4, 2012 - 10:49pm

I'll tell you what, you let me have the hot threeway and you can have Alice and Bella having lesbian sex together.

- Perfect. Of course, I may kick Bella out, I want Alice all to myself... LOL

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch January 5, 2012 - 1:02am

I'll do a McCarthy:

"As they held hands they spoke of life in such a wild place as the virginal forest, wild surrogate home where not long before such people as Bella had seen a bivouacked creature and never again, not in the same way as the first time the spastic retina of her one eye of awareness, the mere corner of it, had taken charge of the glimpse, that one glimpse that was with her no longer. She was now encased in longing, never again virginal look into virginal forest, Bella traversing the space in the parking lot to where he sat on the car, while random vile epithets drifted down from the silhouettes around the car, which she did not hear, nor did she see the random scattered shadows, because the light coming from his eyes which the others observed like roadside spectators, she now took in as a thirsty pilgrim in search for -- for what? As he rose from the car with his shadow now behind him, he lurched onward out of that whirlwind and he did not see, and she did not see, that the wolf-now-man was watching, perhaps with a voice inside saying stop, just stop before the bloodless and the blood-giver become one."

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. January 5, 2012 - 2:08am

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters January 5, 2012 - 7:07am

Alien - I might have read your version.  I can't endorse a sparkling vampire, but a were-pire....I see possibilities there. 

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. January 5, 2012 - 5:36pm

The movies are cheesy but by god, look at those abs!  Who cares if he can act!

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters January 5, 2012 - 5:59pm

But his face....he looks twelve.  I can't deal.  It's a turn off for me.

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch January 5, 2012 - 7:34pm

I have no problem with that.

Typewriter Demigod's picture
Typewriter Demigod from London is reading "White Noise" by DeLilo, "Moby-Dick" by Hermann Mellivile and "Uylsses" by Joyce January 6, 2012 - 3:46pm

Oh Aylee, I can one up you on cute men/boys.

Profunda Saint-Sylvain's picture
Profunda Saint-... from Calgary, AB is reading Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy Series January 6, 2012 - 3:51pm

All the boys are getting too young for me these days. The only celebrities I lust after are dead. But not sparkly and undead...

Typewriter Demigod's picture
Typewriter Demigod from London is reading "White Noise" by DeLilo, "Moby-Dick" by Hermann Mellivile and "Uylsses" by Joyce January 6, 2012 - 3:54pm

Did you look at the picture? He's so fucking cute....

Profunda Saint-Sylvain's picture
Profunda Saint-... from Calgary, AB is reading Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy Series January 6, 2012 - 4:00pm

Oh I won't argue that he's a looker, but cute little boys don't do anything for me. I'm a sucker for an ugly mug. Or a handsome one covered with nasty scars and tattoos. No wonder my mother is disappointed. Haha.

Typewriter Demigod's picture
Typewriter Demigod from London is reading "White Noise" by DeLilo, "Moby-Dick" by Hermann Mellivile and "Uylsses" by Joyce January 6, 2012 - 4:04pm

cute little boys are everything for me, because I can seduce them. ^___^

Profunda Saint-Sylvain's picture
Profunda Saint-... from Calgary, AB is reading Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy Series January 6, 2012 - 4:07pm

Then keep doing it, my man! When I'm a cougar I'll be envious!

Typewriter Demigod's picture
Typewriter Demigod from London is reading "White Noise" by DeLilo, "Moby-Dick" by Hermann Mellivile and "Uylsses" by Joyce January 6, 2012 - 4:09pm

Well irl I'm kinda grizzled. Neck-long black bush-hair and bags under my eyes and a sorta beige-ish skin colour. I know I'm not attractive. :D But...but that doesn't imply at all that you aren;t. I',m sure you're ravishing. I mean, one kinda has to be to fuck half an apartment of guys..

R.Moon's picture
R.Moon from The City of Champions is reading The Last Thing He Wanted by Joan Didion; Story Structure Architect by Victoria Lynn Schimdt PH.D; Creating Characters by the editors of Writer's Digest January 6, 2012 - 4:21pm

This thread got real weird...

Profunda Saint-Sylvain's picture
Profunda Saint-... from Calgary, AB is reading Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy Series January 6, 2012 - 4:36pm

Hahaha didn't you hear? Grizzled is the new pretty. ;) Thanks for the assumed compliment, haha. I do ok.

ReneeAPickup's picture
Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig January 6, 2012 - 8:32pm

I'm with R.Moon...and I am troubled that I didn't view the were-pire threesome as the point in which it "got weird".

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters January 6, 2012 - 8:35pm

Oh yeah - that part seemed really normal. 

Rethinking my ideas on normal...

ReneeAPickup's picture
Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig January 6, 2012 - 8:42pm

This forum does things to people, Avery.

Liana's picture
Liana from Romania and Texas is reading Naked Lunch January 6, 2012 - 8:45pm

I tried to keep the thread serious but then alien posted that picture and we all drowned in drool.

Profunda Saint-Sylvain's picture
Profunda Saint-... from Calgary, AB is reading Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy Series January 6, 2012 - 11:34pm

Sorry... I'm bad for hijacking things. ;)

Nick Wilczynski's picture
Nick Wilczynski from Greensboro, NC is reading A Dance with Dragons by George R.R. Martin January 6, 2012 - 11:43pm

Hunter S Thompson: There is the occassional mention of some sort of love story between a girl and a vampire but it is mostly explained in metaphor and abstract by an outside observer. Most of the story has to do with drinking/cocaine.

William Faulkner: The entire lineage of both love interests is heavily explored and it reads like the book of Numbers from the old testament.

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. January 7, 2012 - 12:23am

If Twilight was written by Shakespeare, Bella would kill herself because she couldn't decide between either man and then they would dual to the death.  Then some court jester would deliver a monologue about the tragedy of love and the folly of man holding a human skull.

If Sylvia Plath wrote it, Bella would still have killed herself but only after getting married to Edward and realizing the emptiness of her lilfe. Her suicide note would say, "I cannot become death for you but I shall belong to the ages, the blackened skulls of my ancestors call to me. Take your vampire children and shove them in the freezer, Jacob was a better lover."  The End!

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. January 7, 2012 - 12:28am

If Charlie Kaufman wrote Twilight, it would be the story of a lonely Mormon wife who writes a vampire novel to escape her lonely life and then starts to meet men who are like the men in the novel, her fiction would start to become reality until the lines blurred so much that she becomes convinced that she is becoming a vampire at the end then goes on a psychic journey inside her own mind where she flees both men until she finds a door that opens into someone else's mind and finds her psyche inside the body of a teenage girl who is reading her book.

avery of the dead's picture
avery of the dead from Kentucky is reading Cipher Sisters January 7, 2012 - 6:49am

I would read the Plath version too.  

ReneeAPickup's picture
Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig January 7, 2012 - 10:20am

Danny, you forgot the green cocaine.

aliensoul77's picture
aliensoul77 from a cold distant star is reading the writing on the wall. January 7, 2012 - 7:06pm

ReneeAPickup's picture
Class Facilitator
ReneeAPickup from Southern California is reading Wanderers by Chuck Wendig January 7, 2012 - 8:24pm

To that, I defer to Craig Ferguson:

There’s rivalry between the Harry Potter fans and the Twilight fans.  And Twilight fans think they’re much cooler than the Harry Potter fans.  And I’m like, “I dunno why… they’d all get their ass kicked by the Doctor Who fans.”

 

.'s picture
. January 7, 2012 - 8:37pm

Wow, typewriter, that kid is definitely what Hitler had in mind.