Love takes a lot of different forms. There’s the love between a man and a woman, as exemplified by Adam and Eve. There’s love between two men, as exemplified by this Adam and Steve couple I’ve heard so much about lately. There’s love between women, Eve and Evie (they both used to go by “Eve”, but it’s too weird to date someone with the exact same name, so Evie made the switch). There’s love between like eight dudes named Chris, Jim, uh, Alvin, Simon, Theodore, Chip, Dale, and probably some other guy that was less memorable.
There are lots of different kinds of love, is what I’m saying.
And they’re all beautiful. Ish. Adam has been complaining that Steve has put on a few extra pounds lately. Don’t tell Steve.
If you want a REAL taste for the variety of loves out there, get yourself to the Kindle store. There you’ll find loves you never imagined. Types of love you thought were, perhaps, impossible. And chances are you’re very correct. A lot of this stuff violates not just social mores, but laws of time, space, and general logic.
I'm inviting you to join me on an erotic journey into the weird. Which means this is VERY NSFW. Unless your workplace is totally awesome, in which case, feel free to gather everyone around the computer because this is going to be super fun.
'The Charmer' by Tonara Cluric
Something I noticed right away when browsing for this column, you'll start looking through titles and see a lot of themes. And one of those themes is a tiny/huge thing. One person is tiny or the other is, the tiny person is dominant or the large person is. This stuff is all over the map in terms of how tiny, how large, and who plays what role.
From the great selection of tiny/huge options, I picked The Charmer. Because it's got pictures. Frightening pictures.
Here's the deal: Alphonse is a dwarf, but not like any kind of dwarf with which I'm familiar. He's this tiny, proportional, rail thin creature who seems to sort of understand English and sort of not. I'd say he's about the size of a 2-liter soda bottle.
Through a complicated series of events, Alphonse ends up hanging out with a woman, Erin, who is a personal trainer. Erin's put on a few pounds in recent months, and when she starts working out, she notices Alphonse is pretty interested in what she's doing.
Working out in front of Alphonse is, basically, like when you're doing something a little sexy and the cat is creeping from a chair in the living room or something. Which is bad, but creeping from the chair is better than the times the cat is RIGHT THERE, sitting on your foot, looking at you like Robert Redford staring down Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal.
Alphonse, it's discovered, has the magic power of getting women to work out really hard. He watches them exercise, and he licks their legs and stuff, and it has the side effect of getting them super-pumped.
Alphonse is like, imagine if you could take the motivation of the theme song from Rocky IV, distil it down into human form, and also it licked you.
It's a true rags-to-riches tale. Alphonse becomes a personal trainer, and all the women he works with look like Arnold circa Commando. Your classic American success story, but with really ripped women and tiny dudes with magic powers. Your Horatio Alger tale, as directed by Russ Meyer, screenplay by Robert Crumb.
[amazon B00SIKZQ4Y inline]
'The Littlest Astronaut' by Tonara Cluric
This one turned out to be almost the same as The Charmer, except the dude in it is SMALLER and an astronaut! How could I resist?
I can only recommend this book on two fronts:
1. The premise of this book is that if we could breed tiny astronauts, we could then send these tiny men into space at a far lower cost than we could normal men. I'm quite enchanted with the idea. Would it work? Would we be able to cheaply manufacture tiny rockets? How long could this little dude live off a Powerbar? It's a pretty interesting idea for a book where the climax is a tiny man crawling inside of a lady's lady parts.
2. The name is really cute. The Littlest Astronaut. If you told me to shelve this in a bookstore, sight unseen, and the only information I had was the title, I'd put it with the kids' picture books for sure. And boy would that result in some problems, not to mention some lifelong hang-ups for some little kids.
This also had the strangest, most out-of-nowhere ending I've seen in a long time. The lil' astronaut (Baxter) is crawling inside a lady while they're in her parked car:
Baxter knew exactly where to go and what to do, and the vagaries of life would continue unimpeded by mankind's expectations, with pleasure and esteem for some, sadness and regret for others.
What? None of the rest of this book sounded ANYTHING like this. Is it possible to rate this with question marks instead of stars? What the hell kind of ending is that?
[amazon B00OEM5Y5Q inline]
'Pimp Dino' by Tani Fredricks
This cover is a lie. Like most comic book covers, which promised epic battles and didn't deliver, this cover writes a check that even a dino-sized ass can't cash.
Yes, there's dinosaur-on-lady sex, and there's a weird, telepathic threesome between a lady, a dude, and a dinosaur named Timmy. But, the only pimp portion comes in when the woman, Shanna, IMAGINES Timmy the dinosaur as a pimp. That's it! She just thinks about "What if a dinosaur was dressed like a pimp?" she has a little laugh, and that's the extent of the pimping.
How could you come up with the concept of a dinosaur pimp and then just throw it in the garbage like this? This author does not recognize gold when it lands in her outstretched fingertips.
I'll say this, Timmy and Shanna have a pretty healthy relationship, all things considered. And there are a lot of things to consider here. Time travel, a giant diamond mine, telepathic dinosaurs.
Although Timmy makes a good point regarding whether his relationship with Shanna is is really all that special:
No other dinosaur throughout history has ever bonded with a human before. That's probably because, in my time, there are no other humans except Shanna.
Accurate AND disappointing.
[amazon B00UG85KMO inline]
'Wesley Crusher: Teenage F*** Machine' by Kitty Glitter
This was great. Stupid, and great.
Star Trek: The Next Generation's Wesley Crusher is on the holodeck with a buddy, doing weird sex stuff, when Captain Picard walks in:
'An orgy aboard the holodeck?' shouted Picard, 'This is an outrage!'
Prof. Moriarty suddenly materializes in front of Picard brandishing a silver pistol and shoots the Captain in his balls.
Is this not something we were all waiting for? You've been playing with fire for a long time when it comes to that damn holodeck, Picard. How long would it take before Moriarty escaped and concocted an evil scheme to take over the Enterprise, or maybe just shot you in the balls with a handgun?
Although this book has erotic moments, it's pretty light on them, and even lighter on the sex.
But it makes up for it in other ways. What does Wesley Crusher do when a Borg cube pulls up behind his ship and has its headlights blaring brightly? He grabs a football and spirals that shit right into the Borg headlight, smashing it.
There was also a hilarious description of a group of three women:
The three customers happened to be teenaged girls in bikinis. Two blondes and a brunette, all three were build either like Betty or Veronica or somewhere in between with faces to match.
Aren't Betty and Veronica physically identical other than their hair? I mean, look at this:
They have the same hash marks over their noses! Their hands are in the same position! They both have black lipstick, which is pretty metal for Riverdale!
To describe three girls as looking like either Betty or Veronica or something in between...I don't know what the difference is between the two, and the only thing I can picture less is the appearance of a woman that's half-way between these two.
This is definitely the dumbest book I read, but also the best. Which is the kind of review you'll never get from Michiko Kakutani.
[amazon B00EVUVEAK inline]
'Nostril F***** By The Micro Penis' by Fannie Tucker
Is it insane that this story is actually just a little bit sweet? Probably the most loving of the group here?
Yes.
Okay, we meet Chuck outside of a night club called Sex Flamingo. Chuck shows up in a giant truck sporting the license plate BIG-UN. He has on big cowboy boots, he's got a weightlifter's body, and he never goes home with any girls, ever. But he's never met Naomi, who is determined to head home with Chuck.
They banter a little, Naomi complimenting Chuck's truck, Chuck interjecting a very awkward, "I bench three-fifty."
And then Naomi says that she knows Chuck must be compensating for something, but she doesn't care. She's into it.
And actually, she is into it. What little of it there is.
Now, the part where the deed goes down isn't so sweet. And the part after when Chuck makes a joke about trying the other nostril sometime and Naomi laughs so hard "seed sprayed from her nose" is downright vile. But honestly, at the book's end, this couple is happy together:
Now that Chuck had nothing to compensate for, she thought he might just have promise.
A true "be yourself" message in an erotic tale of nostril sex.
[amazon B009QFSNS6 inline]
'Space Raptor Butt Invasion' by Chuck Tingle
This is what I was hoping for when I started this project. The third space-related book, by the way, and the second dinosaur. What I've learned about myself is that I'm most interested in pornography filmed in the science museum gift shop.
Here we go.
Lance is a guy up on a moon base, and he's going to be alone for the next year. Or so he thinks. After about half a day, a strange astronaut comes knocking.
Turns out, the new astronaut is Orion, a velociraptor from Earth 2, which is where the dinosaurs moved to get away from Earth. Orion is keeping tabs on the universe, and he stops by Lance's moon base just to see what's going on.
The two astronauts, human and dino, spacebro out for a while, play some space ping pong, and it's not long before Lance starts having feelings for Orion:
Despite being a bloodthirsty dinosaur carnivore, Orion is actually incredibly sweet and has a truly gentle soul. The longer we spend together, the more i find myself drawn to him, attracted even. Our difference in species surely couldn't classify me as gay, could it?
The sexually-charged nature of being stuck with a dinosaur in a space station comes bubbling to the surface. And then, the space buddies have this classic conversation:
'I mean, it's not gay if it's a dude raptor and a dude human, right?' I ask.
'Totally not gay.' Says the dinosaur.
Which is both a good and fundamentally stupid question.
If someone told me, "You know how I was on the moon? Well, when I was up there, I had sex with a dinosaur from an alternate Earth" my first 18,000 questions would not be about whether or not the dinosaur was male.
Shortly after discussing, as only spacebros can, what is and isn't gay, the raptor takes down his "space pants" and his "space briefs" and the two get down to business. Which the raptor is good at because his species was having sex "billions of years before you were even around."
There was a lot to like about this book. It's got space, it's got dinosaurs. And the dinosaur in THIS book was named Orion, which is a much better dino name than "Timmy."
It also gave me an idea.
NASA, if you're listening: space erotica. You all can throw up thousands of space erotica tales, all scientifically accurate, and make enough money to fund space exploration. You could fly in ships built by eroticism. Explore the galaxy, fueled by human sexuality. Think about it. Just take a minute, take off your judgment hat, and think about it, NASA.
[amazon B00S4B95RQ inline]
'Taken By Swarm: Seduced By WEREBEES' by AM Ball
Why do so many of these stories start with a description of the weather? I think fully half, if not three-quarters, of these stories start with something about the season and the temperature. Did we learn nothing from Snoopy's "dark and stormy night" gag?
This one was pretty confusing. I'm going to try and sum it up as best I can.
This lady stops in an unfamiliar town and goes into a diner. It's important that she likes cake, I guess, because it's mentioned like three times. The diner is full of men, and they bring her desserts, one after another, and then all of a sudden she's having sex with a swarm of bees somehow, and it's great. The sex. Not the description of the sex.
I think that the diner men are all bees who can transform? Or maybe they're men who can transform into bees? That's not super clear, but there's some kind of bee orgy that goes down, and then the announcement is made:
That's bingo, and a successful impregnation, boys. Well done all.
I can tell you my exact problem with this book. I had expectations going in, and those expectations were that men would turn into bees with the full moon, and those bees would all fly together and form giant sex parts, like the way in cartoons they would fly together and make a giant hammer or something.
Also, this is like a werewolf story, but without the transformation part. How can you not show that? If I'm seeing a werewolf movie, I wanna see Jack Nicholson run into the woods, tear open his shirt, I want to then be unclear whether the amount of chest hair is wolf-related or not, and then I want him to run down a deer and eat it. I don't want to see him go into another room and then a wolf man comes back.
I want to see werebess turn into bees, or dudes, or even both. But alas, sometimes love is a letdown.
[amazon B00FP7OIMO inline]
'The Unbirthing: An Age Regression Novella' by Mindi Flyth
This is possibly the strangest and least erotic entry.
The sexual part is up front and pretty standard. And then...The Unbirthing.
Maggie is some kind of weird creature who has sex with Trevor. After, Maggie sucks some kind of red mist from Trevor, and he's suddenly 5 years younger.
As Trevor gets younger, Maggie also gets younger. And more pregnant.
It's a lot more like a horror movie than an erotic tale. At least from this reader's perspective.
Also, Trevor is transformed into a girl as he de-ages. Which is just an added bonus, I suppose, an additional change along with the change of de-aging and becoming a baby again.
Most of the story is about Trevor trying to resist being sucked up into Maggie and becoming her baby, after which he'll be born again and...I guess live a new life as a girl? That part's not super clear.
If they renamed the show Black Mirror as Black Speculum, and if it sucked, this would make a great pilot episode.
[amazon B015L4WYS0 inline]
'Changed Into Her Pussy' by Mindi Flyth
Alex awoke to find that everything around him was a dark, pinkish blur.
This story wastes no time getting to the core. When we join our hero, Alex, he's already been transformed into a woman's bits. His girlfriend's bits, to be exact:
There's a lot you don't know about me, sweeite. Like, you never knew that I'm a witch.
That's a biggie.
Turns out Alex's transformation isn't the first for his girlfriend. She's got a dress made from her ex, a pair of underwear made from a dude who harassed her, and a bra made out of a girl who stole her boyfriend in college. Basically, if you cross this lady, chances are she'll make you into wardrobe, or maybe a chapstick if that's what she needs. I bet if she was running low on gas, she'd stop off somewhere and wait until someone pissed her off and then just transform the person into a couple gallons of fuel. And I bet her anger threshold gets lower the more she needs something. "Ugh, I really want a pizza right now. Hmm, that guy has a nObama bumper sticker. Good enough!"
Alex revolts, however, and finds that he's in control of the witch's entire body at some point, and it's not too long before he takes over.
He's a little freaked out about being a woman, but he gets over it pretty quickly. He says it's no weirder than being a vagina, which is a strange but accurate assessment of his situation.
For all the craziness, this story is not lazy. It poses some pretty good theories of what it'd be like to BE a vagina attached to a person, right down to the feeling of being exposed when unclothed and the difficulty of seeing where the hell you're going.
[amazon B00HJU8FMY inline]
Thus ends our erotic journey together. Thanks for reading. And if you've got a weird one I missed, list it below. Unless it's, like, REALLY weird. Beyond space dinosaur weird.
About the author
Peter Derk lives, writes, and works in Colorado. Buy him a drink and he'll talk books all day. Buy him two and he'll be happy to tell you about the horrors of being responsible for a public restroom.
