Entertainment : Real Life Sex Stories <NC-17 or XXX> 18 and over welcome or bring a parent.

I heard a pretty sick story from a friend. He is trying to date a girl who bit the cheek off of a guy because the dude lied and said he wore a condom. When she found out that he wasn't wearing a condom...mouth full of cheek and then he looks like 2 face. 

I don't get enough sex to have any really funny stories. Sad face.

 

Agreed. I'm to the point I've been trying to set up coffee dates with ex's. 

I had lunch at a mexican restaurant with my ex-girlfriend. I was dating her at the time but she brought her ex boyfriend with her. The entire time they discussed my sexual performance with nachos and salsa in their mouth. I don't know how my sexual performance was any business to her ex boyfriend or the waiter serving our food. 

I got back at her by getting a dozen handy j's from her sister. Small victories. Word.

Got another one still not hilarious.

My stubborn friend is coming back from a highschool football game, the guy is 19 and cant seem to get over highschool. Anyways THE GAME is over and its around 9 pm so the sun is down and he has this girl with him in his car, the guy also has horrible taste in women. They pull into an empty parking lot around a park then checks to make sure they're wasn't any hidden fuzz in the area. After the search he proceeded to go down on this girl in the passenger seat.

Five minutes in she says, "stop look!" he stops, wipes his lips, looks behind him and there's a nice police officer shining his flashlight inside the drivers window the dipshit left the window rolled down. The office can clearly see whats going on in the vehicle and starts this nice conversation. The O is the officer speaking apparently he's from the south and the D is when my dipshit friend is talking.

O "How you kids doin' here tonight?"

Awkward silence.

O "So what's goin' on in here?"

D "I think you know what's going on"

O "Yeah I can see that there."

O "So....you payin' her?"

D "What?"

O "Is she a whore?"

D " No"

O "She your girlfriend?"

D "She's gonna be."

O "Well son what you doin' around here treating her like a whore then? You gotta take her somewhere nice not in an empty parking lot waiting for a cop to come by and ruin your night like I'am"

Note: the girl is still in the passenger hearing this entire conversation.

O "Okay now listen here son I'm goin' let you pass this once alright? You can't do this in public its illegal."

D "Yes officer."

O "and you also remind me of myself when I was your age doin' the exact same things except worse."

D "Yes sir"

O "Please note son that if I were to take you in right now you would be a sexual predator for the rest of your life"

D "I understand"

O "Alright you kids stay safe ya hear?"

He still didn't get to lay with the girl later that night.

Another. Years ago.

I'm a part of this group of nice but naughty guys. We like our drugs. Weed, LSD.

You find places to go to do these drugs. One was a house this older guy had. He put up with us. A girl used to come round. I was twenty. She was fifteen. She liked me a lot.

No go.

A while later she'd moved into a flat. Just turned sixteen and she celebrated by running from her family.

I was in the pub, out of my mind on LSD. Just me and a few mates. Their girlfriends turned up. I start going bad. I'm alone. They're all sitting and laughing and being stroked by their respective others. I'm at the bar and sure my sleeves are wet.

I left without a word and I was going on a downer until I noticed her flat. I knocked and knocked. I wanted attention. I gave up and went to go and noticed her looking out of the window. Soon I was in. We shared a joint and went to bed. My cock was hard but numb. I was sweating. I stopped and she started going through her wardrobe, pulling dresses out and saying this is what I was wearing when I saw you that time, this is what I wore when you were at that party...

Weird as fuck so I gave the sex another go. It was dark and the trips were still strong. A baby started crying and a little bald head appeared at the side of the bed. I got off and was all wtf and she picked up the baby and put it between us in bed.

My head couldn't handle it. I was wearing a condom. It must have burst. I shouted at her that I wanted a paternity test. I got dressed and ran away.

When the drugs wore off I found out she was babysitting her nephew.

My mates never let me hear the end of it.

We call that story the Acid Baby.

Unfortunately, completely true.

PS, legal age in UK is sixteen. heh

I failed to mention that I was 14 and she was 18 so it was an awkward situation anyway. But let me go on record though that I also got half a blowie from her sister. Anybody who starts with the state name jokes is getting karate chopped.

Yes that was an awesome story gonzo. I've been abusing really strong mushrooms all week so I know what those situations are like.

The thread's a month old, but I've got one.  I was a total manwhore for a time.

I meet this girl that works with my mom.  I was recently divorced and not doing so well with the ladies.  She's got a great body, a runner's body, very well proportioned, fit, tone, the whole nine yards.  Kind of a beak nose but other than that attractive in the face. 

So we start hanging out, doing things, and I'm really into her.  We have mutual interests, she treats me like a king, I can't figure out why this chick is single.  Things move forward and she gives the best head I've ever had.  I mean the old measure of quality of fellatio had to be thrown out, she is now the standard by which others are judged.  It's just phenominal.  She claims she likes it, wants to get down there any chance she gets.  While I'm driving, at a wedding, public restrooms, holy shit this chick is dirty and it turns me on.

Then I notice I never get to return the favor, and we never have sex.  The bj's are so great that I'm pretty satisfied in that department, but I wonder why it goes no further.  I can't let it go.  And who doesn't want to fuck up a good thing, right?

So I press the issue one night.

Bitch has genital warts.  But at least she had the decency to keep them to herself.  A few months later, she dumps me.  Really?  She's got crotch-rot and she's dumping me?

But wait, there's more!

About a year later, I can't let it go.  I'm very invovled with a girl I worked with, and it's great.  She's very attractive, like minded, were a great match.  I probably would have married her.  But who doesn't want to fuck up a good thing?  So I go to my ex's house one night, drunk of course, and leave my number on her car.  Of course she calls, and we start hanging out.

On the down low, of course.  Strictly platonic this time around.  To this point, anyway.

Then one day, the ex is over at my place, and my girlfriend shows up.  And it's ugly and my girlfriend never speaks to me again.  It doesn't take long for my ex and I to fall back into our routine.  And it's as good as I remember it being.  We continue for a while, then drift apart for a while.

I get a girl knocked up.  I help my on again off again get a decent job, where I work.  We start hooking up again, still no sex.  Her junk is off limits.  Just after Valentine's day, she dumps me again.

Seriously.

And hooks up with my boss, whom she also works with (but not for). After him, another guy I work with.  I wonder if they knew her dirty little secret.  She left her job for another.  I left mine.  She married that guy.  And now it looks very likely that I will be working the same place she is. Again.

Am I the first girl with a ridiculous sex story?

Neat.

I have a million of them, but the one that people rag on me for to this day is as follows:

I met this pretty good looking ginger fellow one night after someone at the previous bar slipped a little something into my drink. The aforementioned ginger fellow found me staggering around like a maniac, and was quite an honourable gentleman, found some wonderful people who knew both of us to get me home safe. Very much appreciated to this day.

Eventually I tracked him down and we starting talking once in a while, and ended up at his place one afternoon when we both skipped work early. I couldn't figure out why it was such a disaster in his tiny apartment, like we're not talking just normal mess, we're talking like the skeltons of at least 6 bicycles strewn across the floor, garbage at least 6 inches high covering like 90% of the floorspace. I just figured the old "men are pigs" adage had been defined properly for once and chose to ignore it, we were having a good conversation, and listening to some crazy music, plus at the time, I was really in no position to be picky. We proceeded to get high, and had some pretty good sex on the couch.

He threw the condom into the trashcan that was the floor, and after like an hour of post-sex lounge-aroundery, I remembered I was supposed to be home because I had a new roommate moving in that day. Oops. (My memory is one of the many reasons I avoid drugs like the plague these days)

So i grabbed my clothes in a hurry, and my new playmate walked me down to the train station, since he lived in an area where walking around smelling like sex and being off your face alone as a girl wasn't exactly a brilliant idea. It was some time during this walk that I realized his teeth weren't real. Probably because he stuck them out at me through his lips and scared me half to death. And then he proceeded to tell me that he had in fact, stolen the dentures from another guy, because his own teeth had rotted out due to excessive meth use. (Which actually explained a lot about the state of his apartment.) Classy? Maybe not, but at least he was a gentleman...

So we're waiting for my train, and being still not quite of sound mind, we start making out like idiot teenagers, and people all around us are backing away, giving me dirty looks. I shrugged it off, thinking "Pffft, I'm young and stoned. If I want to make out with an old guy with no teeth, I'm GONNA." I got on the train. Then, I notice everyone on the train staring at me with their jaws dropping and whispering and pointing. Again, I shrugged it off, thinking I was being paranoid. So I ran home from the train, to find my roommate had already brought in all her stuff and was unpacking.

I ran upstairs to pee, and while I was sitting there, I noticed a used condom on the floor in front of me. I screamed for my roommate to come upstairs, which she did, and I said "What the fuck Jen, you moved in here like 4 hours ago and you're already fucking guys in the bathroom?? Jesus can't you keep it in your pants??"

She just stared at me horrified, and said "Umm... that's not mine. Maybe look at your pants."

I looked, and there was a HUGE jizz stain down the side of my calf. Apparently the damn thing had been stuck on my pants the entire trip home, and apparently, EVERYONE had seen it.

Really, really not my finest moment, but it was so hilarious I've never lost touch with that ginger guy.

pretty good looking ginger fellow....that exists!?

Firstly, I apologise for this... Because it is gross and long. Some of you just might have seen this before, but I can prove it was me, I am the first to write this (each time copied it was said the postee was the author). This is the forum post that set about the writing of the book ‘Malice in Blunderland’. The original post went viral, and ended up as far as Russia and the US. All from a small surfing site in a tiny corner of England.

My 3some...
My first excuse is I had just split with my girlfriend, and being shallow - needed to move on... fast. I had an all expenses hotel room for two bought and paid for by the company I worked for.
But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim. I mean woman. She was a friends mum. Back when I used to sleep over at my mates house as a kid,  I was 13 and thought she was hot as fuck. I used to wank obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'buff my trophy' inhaling the mushroomy sent. Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads. Russel, the friend below me was "Uh..... what you doin??"
"I'm, er, having an Epileptic fit. Stop talking you are ruining it... Oh and cover your eyes!" The friendship ended when I wiped my arse on his pillow.
Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. Very, very pissed. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a kid, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me. Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills!
The conference at the hotel I was staying at (& why I was there) - so was rammed with women, and I am hitting on every single one. I was on about my 50th 'fuck off' - then.... "OH MY GOD - is that you... it IS you.... hi yoooooooou"
Ashley - Russels mum. Time had not been kind to old Ashley.
She told me about her difficult break up... she said I hadn't aged a bit, but she had as she has liver failure, leaving her skin sallow.
Me – I’m very, very pissed, last thing I needed was memory lane. I told her I used to wank over her at 13, and stole her panties. So I am flirting, getting tweaky and being a twat, waiting for my 51st fuck off.
She - to my total shock is flirting back.
So, me, being all sensitive, I just wanted to shock a laugh out of her so I said, "How about you come upstairs and fuck me and my mate"
She said....."OK"
(didn't expect that)
........................................................"Seriously??"
"Yeah - why not" says she.
"Fuck yeah" shouts Bulldog.
"Shut up Bulldog" says I.
So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift.
"come on then" I said as I started walking.
"OK" she said... following me
"I'm serious" I said.
"Me too" she said.
"I'm not joking" I said.
"Good" she said.
"Me too" said Bulldog.
"Shut the fuck up bulldog"
I remember thinking 'Oh shit you've done it again - say your joking and stop this!'
By now - we had got to the lift. I had sobered up real fast. I am beginning to think this is a bad idea. It was a joke. After the Thailand debacle - I leaned that fantasy is better than reality. But I called it, and had way too much pride. You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em.
In the lift, with its harsh overhead lighting - she was not pretty, sagging skin and yellow liver failure eyes. In the mirrored walls I could see Bulldog shuffling about with excited tension, playing with himself through his trouser pocket. It was repulsive, right there I should have hit the alarm button and fucked off.
So, we get in my room. Of all the things you have read about me, this was by far the most awkward moment to date. My old mate's elderly, liver failing mum, drunk. My junkie mate looking like he is going to have a stroke and grinning like Forrest Gump, touching his cock through his pockets. And me. All looking at each other like a western gun fight is about to start. Nobody actually tells you how these things get going, you just start making random small talk.
I said "Chilly today isnt it"
Bulldog: "Huh??"
Ashley: "what? thats not very sexy"
I remember this next bit, as it is one of my epic FAILS. I had to say something sexy, and wild, but didn't know what to say - all nervous I honestly said the following.....
"Uh, yeaaaah..... my dick feels like a parsnip"
PARSNIP?? what the fuck was I thinking, parsnip? I panicked and said the first thing t come to mind and it was a root vegetable. Lucky for me - she didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah, let me put it in my oven"
....and thats how it started.
Bulldog was so amped his head went red with all the scars white, So - I thought, fuck it - get in first. We started kissing. Even that was awful, it was like a hovercraft drove over my face. Bulldog unbuttons his shirt, I get naked in a flash to beat him, go for the kill, bend Ashley over - cos I didn't want to do it face to face as she looked just like my 10 year old mate Russel - but with a vagina. I harpooned myself in, so far so good. I am hammering away. For a short while it feels good and you forget the circumstances. I open my eyes and Bulldog right next to me – like a foot away looking right in my face. Grinning. I didn't put any music on, so the only sound was like a dog walking through mud, only wetter, and my idiot mate right up in my face. So I whipered:
"Fuck off"
"What?"
"Fuck - off"
"Fuck yeahhhh"
"No - fuck off"
"My go!!"
"What"
"Gimme a go"
"I just started"
"Im gonna blow - let me go"
with that he shuffles off in the corner and I can see him out of the corner of my eye getting undressed 'FFLAPP' there was a wet slapping sound, as if someone hit Bulldog, I snap my head around to look... 'FUCK MEEEEEE'
It was Bulldogs cock. It was fucking huge. Like a comedy rubber, foot long, lady slaying monster dick. The noise was as it swung and slapped his thigh! He then starts wagging it about, trying to get blood in it cos it is too big to just 'wood up' like a normal-un.
You know that old footage of the girl in Viatnam - running down the street naked, all burned from Napalm and screaming - that is how I felt right there. How the fuck am I supposed to compete with that? I am flapping a sub-standard baby dick and he is packing a monster!! I know us guys are insecure about the size of our cocks, but fuck me!! This ugly, fucking fat retard looking idiot, is swinging a giant cock about.
Now, let me just clear up the size issue. It matters. A lot. Trust me. Want to know how I know? Go into a sex shop. All the dildo's are thick 9+ inches or more of monster cock. Never has a woman gone "Uhh, yeah - do you happen to have a sub-average size dildo?" Would never happen. NEVER HAPPEN. The only time you could by a cock my size, all small and ugly with an awkward kink like mine, it would be a novelty bottle opener.
"my go" Bulldog says again
I hadn't realised I had stopped moving. Just standing there, losing my erection while looking at his - and still in mates mum. So I pull out. Something about my idiot mate and his giant cock killed the moment for me.
Now - you think everyone fucks like you. You base your basic 'fuck technique' on porn, medium speed regular half second piston-like pumps. Well.... they don’t. Bulldong as I now call him is naked but for shoes and socks. Still wagging it like he is going to smash her about the head with it. He closes in behind Ashley... Him grappling the monster with both hands, it so big it would bend in the middle, Flop out and swing around. He'd grab it again. it was like watching a guy try to post a python through a letterbox.
Then Ashley whent ooOOOOOHHHH SHIT yeah - oh yeah.
Needless to say - she didn't say anything like that with me. I felt so shit. Curse my button mushroom-like cock. I didn’t want to be there and my pride had just been flamed.
Then he started fucking - Christ it was awful to see. Grunting and squeels, and hammering away like it was a race, like three hits a second machine gun on auto, frenzy fuck. Bulldog is a big fatty fat, fat. He looked like a giant baby with a monster cock, fucking my mates mum. An image I will never forget - and the most traumatic I have yet to see. All I could think is 'I forgot to make noises! Are you supposed to make noises? He's doing the sex noises and she seems to like it - not only has he a fantastic cock - he does noises!' After only about 4 minutes Bulldog starts making loud grunts, pulls out the massive beast, it slaps on her back 'thud' and he then blows his load - all over her back. He then, like cave man, went 'Uunnhhhhhnnnghhhhuuuhhhhhhhhhggghh' and flopped on the bed, like a grizzly bear shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.
I honestly thought, when pulled it all of that out of her - her liver would have shlopped out with it.
So - there I am. My freak mate, naked but for shoes - asleep on a bed. My mates mum bent over expecting me to perform, and me, in a hotel room. I wanted to die. Ashley looks over her shoulder at me "Come on baby - fuck me - gimmie that Turnip" I look at her pussy. Bulldog had ruined it. It was huge and stretched out of shape like she had just given birth. I could have stuck both my hands in and still had enough room to shuffle a deck of cards! How the hell am I going to follow that?
So I position myself behind her grab her ass, and eyes shut, I am thinking of as many sexy things as I can. Just get hard - ignore what’s going on, even morning piss-wood would do. Me trying to fuck her right there was like pushing a marsh mellow into a kebab. I'm as hard as jelly. Then my hand slips. Bulldogs Junk is all over her and I have just put my hand in it!
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRGH'
It looks like a badly iced ring doughnut. So I grab her skirt, pretending to massage her ass, and scoop it out of the way. No - nooooo nooooooooooo NO!!
I have another mans cum on my hand. I was either going to me sick or cry.
I just stared at it, horrified. I must have been there a while, as she turned around. I didn’t even see her get up!! She then started to blow my tiny baby cock - and that took my mind off it. In fact, a blowjob will pretty much take my mind off anything. I had restored some pride. So, Ashley bends over and I'm in. It's OK - feels good, I am doing the noises, working away. She is making noises - probably sympathy noises but who cares, I am fucking.
I was just getting into it, blocking out what I have just seen by remembering the best bits from my porn collection.
'Bang' something hard hit the wall. I was all 'What the fuck was that?' I look about, and it was a shoe. Bulldogs shoe. Did he throw a shoe at me? "Bulldog what the fuuuh....."
I look over and he is naked - socks and shoes now gone, and he is doing something.
He has his back to me, but I can see he is up to something, fussing hard doing... something.
So absorbed at what he was trying to do - I stopped moving again. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see.
Bulldog turns around. His cock looked even bigger but horrible! Dark purple and blue, bulging with veins. All swollen, I though it might explode. Around the bottom, he had tied his shoe lace!
"Bulldog - what the fuck??" - I look at the shoe that hit the wall and, as I expected - no laces.
"Make shift cock ring" says Bulldog. Standing there - with his cock presented with a big shoe lace bow at the base. All the skin where tied was puckered up and white, then bulging twisted viens and engorged. It was grotesque, like a giant purple gherkin. How the hell did he get hard again so soon? Must have been 5 minutes...
So again I am out. Bulldog - eyes bulging, just ramms it in. And then goes fucking nuts. Fucking like a psycho, angry fucking, grunting and shouting. "Uhhhhhhh?..." I am standing there like a twat
Bulldog gets worse and starts making animal noises and biting her neck - Ashley looks scared. He is biting hard - I can see the tooth marks, and hammering so hard I can see AND HEAR his turkey-neck nut sacks mash into her ass.
I try to grab his attention - and whisper "Bulldog"
"Nnnagghh ahhhhhh, uuuuugh"
"Bulldog"
"GNhhhaarrr, uhh, UUUHHH, Arrrrrr"
"BULLDOG"
He looks up - only one eye open like a crazy fucked up pirate. All red n sweaty with glowing white scars. It spooked the fuck out of me. So I screamed. Like a little girl, "EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhh"
I have no Idea why I screamed - probably fear, but I am sure I had never screamed before. It was loud enough that Ashley stood up.
'Shhhlop' over a foot of Bulldog fell out. 'What?' said Ashley.
Me - feeling an even bigger twat "Oh...nothing"
So, as Bulldog was standing there, already, she sat on the edge of the bed and tried to fit the purple monster in her gob. I had become a spectator. So - I tried to tell em 'I fold - I'm out, fuck this, you are both fuckin freaks' but what I actually said was "Err... hellooooooo?"
With that Ashley flopped the giant cock from her mouth, stood up and tried to kiss me. Right after smoking Bulldog's mutant pole! FUCK THAT!! She got close enough that I could smell Bulldog's onion knob stench on her breath! So I pushed her off - harder than I meant, she fell back onto the bed and bounced off, onto the floor, smashing a lamp. Letting out the loudest fanny fart I have ever.  I am sure it splashed my face.
Enough was enough. The whole affair was a nightmare. I grabbed my jeans and slept in the car. Nothing like porn. Not even close!

Red heads come in two flavors; stunningly hot and beastly, there is no in between.

. This one looked a little like a younger (though probably not significantly younger)

Sadly, so did mine!

@mutter
I always try to get my girlfriend to fight me during sex, like really just slug it out, but so far I can't even get her to choke me out. We dont have sex anymore and unless she's willing to pull a weapon on me I doubt we ever will. Is it really so wrong to ask your lover to punch you? Not really a story but all mine are boring. Happens when you spend your highschool years too fucked up on pills to even want to fuck though. Or just not being able to get any haha.

To each their own, some girls make a lot of money beating the shit out of guys. If a guy asked me to punch him I would, just because I never really punched anyone before.

I don't have any good stories either, all my sex stories are sexy, not funny. Although I lost my virginity in the back of truck and the cops showed up, that was pretty funny. I was hanging out with a hot Romanian guy once and in his sexy accent he told me he could kill me and no one would ever know, though that was really more scary than anything else.

I stopped having sex in highschool for a couple years because there was a terrible syphilis outbreak in my school. (Well, at least I stopped having sex with highschoolers.) Gotta love Winnipeg.

Ahh Meatseeker that was very possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. I burst out laughing at the description of 'the scream'.

I have lots of 'sex stories', but my 'funny stories' don't come close to any of these, but I'll contribute for the sake of being part of the group.

I was going through a 'public sex is awesome' phase. So I'm thinking of all these fun places to 'do it', you know: movie theatres, car parked on the side of the street, airplanes, the middle of my primary school's soccer oval.

I decide I want to 'get closer to nature', so we decide to hit up the national park by my house. It's a pretty popular place, so we end up hiking for an hour, looking for a relatively deserted area to do the deed in. By the time we find a suitable place, we are sweating, panting, feeling like we are about to die, because said suitable place is on the top of a massive hill. There are trees and shrub all around, but the top seems to have some sort of clearing--this means maximum privacy and minimum risk of insect and snake attack.

So my boyfriend lies down and takes off his clothes, lies down on them so he doesn't get dirt all over his back. I hike up my dress and hop on top of him and we start going at it. About three minutes in, I notice movement in my peripheral vision. It's a bunny! It hops closer. It starts eating grass by my boyfriend's head. Another rabbit appears. It too comes right up next to us, sniffing around. I look around. There are at least twelve fluffy white rabbits hopping about in close proximity. They seem to be dodging in and out of holes in the ground. It appears we decided to have sex on top of a rabbit warren.

That in itself would have been fine, except that it also appears we decided to have directly next to a bike path. As evidenced by the fact that by the five minutes of sex mark, two cyclists have already passed us. Luckily, they weren't looking down. We grit our teeth and keep going: challenge accepted. We wanted to get back to nature, right? Nothing more natural than being surrounded by bunnies and being coated in the dust that is flying off the bike track as people ride past us. The next cyclist to pass notices us. He's going fast and I only get to see the 'o' form on his face by the time he's gone. The next people to come by are a large group of cyclists. A few notice. One person cheers. My boyfriend finishes, possibly to the sound of cheering. I'm sure the bunnies were applauding in their own way.

We got up, dusted ourselves off, made the hike back home. Made for a lovely day in the park, certainly. Mission accomplished.

My first blowjob was on my bed when I was 16 years old. Nothing too crazy.

Once I had consensual sex... in the missionary position.

I know, I feel ill just thinking about it. I was a different person back then, much more wild.