The Purator

Good idea, but the story moves too fast and there are too many oblique references to peripheral details in the new world. Why do I need to know that "three Tel Aviv technologists" sold the Purging Pools to Blue Lagoon? Or that Axel O targeted nuclear bases, and that a computer virus was named D'Artagnan?

The number of facts is overwhelming, and they don't seem to be central to Nadeem's experience. I think you could successfully bring us into the future world with far fewer details, but ones that have a more direct impact on why Nadeem does what he does.

Finally, I think there's too much "telling" of the story. The stories of the first two Purator subjects seem disconnected from the action, as if some narrator feels the need to inform us. Perhaps Nadeem could be watching the old videos, and reacting to them, as preparation for his own challenge.

With some more work, this could be a great story! Go for it!

You have an interesting plot line in which a leader clone has his inner thinking revealed to himself and to the world of humans and clones.  The reaction to that revelation by the female clone who so depended on your protagonist is a good ending.

The text would benefit from a good editor, someone with a skill for bringing what you have into compliance with the rules.  Direct address, for example, is set off by commas.  When your character talks to himself, that is indicated by italics (without "he thought") and quoted phrases are in double quotes.  Eschew other uses of italics.

There are some craft issues, such as telling too much back story.  This could be abbreviated, broken up, and slipped in as part of present action.  The opening in present action is good, but I was confused about who Adrian was talking to.  Usine "Nadeem" invites confusion with the feminine "Nadeen."  Look for added on phrases that are not needed for meaning.

This is definitely an apple worth polishing.  Good luck.

I agree with above criticisms. Very interesting and thoughtful concept u definitly need to develope this it has great potential. Perhaps more focus on a direct plot line (cause and effect) and more balance between exposition and dialogue would help the pace thumbs up i think u got a gem here tho

I can see a lot of potential for this story but sadly the execution just isnt quite right.

First off, and the thing most everyone has stated already is this would benefit from a really good edit.

Secondly, I honest to god got bored reading this, there was far too much telling and not nearly enough doing and I cannot read a story that is all info and no action. I found myself leaving the story over and over again to look at other things and then coming back because I wanted to give it a chance because it has SUCH potential. 

I really dont like being negative but I just couldnt love this story and for that reason I have to give it a thumbs down. If you ever revise and post a new version I would love to read it because (and I cannot stress this enough) I think you have a really good idea here, it just needs to be tightened up and edited quite a bit. Good luck and please, keep writing!

Some good concepts here and it has potential. It needs a few more edits to smooth it over a little, as has been noted by others. There's a lot of exposition in the middle section that you need to iron out - a lot can come out completely, the rest needs to be drip fed as opposed to info dumped. That said I did like it, it kept my attention all the way through.